250+ Best The Angry Video Game Nerd Quotes

Angry Video Game Nerd Funny Moments

These are my favorite episodes. The ones where James gets to tell me about stuff I didn’t know or didn’t experience as a kid. Where I get a feel of what the past was like.

These are great Angry Video Game Nerd moments and I love the destruction of the crash dummies and that he cut the TMNT 3 tape in half with a sword and I like it when James Rolfe destroyed the Winter Games video game on the NES

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
What a sh*t load of f***.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[playing Friday the 13th] That’s what’s awesome about this game: it’s logic free. Logic is for pussies!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Cowabunga?

[as one word]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Cowa-f***ing-piece-of-dog-sh*t! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a f***ing ooze infested dirty f***ing sewer rat sh*t! I had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder’s my ass and Splinter’s my balls!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It f***in’ sucks, it suckin’ f***s, it f***in’ blows, it’s a piece of sh*t, and I don’t like it.

[repeated line]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
What were they thinking?

Kyle Justin:
[singing] He’s gonna take you back to the past to play the shitty games that suck ass. He’d rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear. He’d rather eat the rotten a**hole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer. He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard. He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd. He’s the Angry Atari Sega Nerd. He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd.

[repeated line]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
THIS is the reason Game Genie was invented.

[repeated line]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s like in Castlevania…

[repeated line]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s like in Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde…

Freddy Krueger:
[Freddy resembles the Nerd] Whoa, look at me. I’m a f***ing nerd. What a piece of sh*t. Buffalo diarrhea f*** farts.

Freddy Krueger:
You see, Nerd, nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So you’re your own damn nightmare. Now, you’re gonna die.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Go yank your cock through your ass, you f***ing butt mongrel. I got the Power Glove!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
This game IS my f***ing nightmare! It’s a frustrating, incoherent pile of vomit and sh*t! Even the first screen is kinda weird, because it shows Freddy without his glove, but his knifes are still coming out of the fingers. Now, I think I might actually have an explaination for this. In the movie, Nightmare Part 2… nah, they just f***ed up.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
What the f*** are these? Lollipop ghosts with stick arms? Were the enemies in this game designed by some kindergarten kid for Halloween? I’m surprised they don’t have skeletons too!… They actually do have skeletons. What the f***? Could the villains be anymore stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy, what kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spides, skeletons and “frankensteins” for the kiddies. Could it be anymore uncreative then that? Like, why don’t they just add some witches, black cats and flying jack-o-lanterns? They should have just called the game, “Boo! Haunted House”. Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought “No, wait! Make it about Freddy! We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let’s do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street”. And that’s right, it’s by the same company! We’re not gonna say who it is, but it stands for Laughin’ Jokin’ Numbnuts!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #4:
[pulls out the game] What should we do with the cartridge?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
How about we smash it with a hammer?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #4:
Nah, that’s not good enough.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #3:
I know, let’s drop it out the window!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #4:
No, come on, be creative!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #2:
I say we take a sh*t on it!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #4:
Good, do it! Empty your ass all over it!

Freddy Krueger:
Ya like “Nintendo”?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Uh-huh.

Freddy Krueger:
Ya like to play shitty games?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
No. No!

Freddy Krueger:
Ha ha! Ya f***in’ nerd. Ya wanna play some “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
No. No!

Freddy Krueger:
Or do ya wanna play my game, b*tch?

Freddy Krueger:
Yeah! Play that shitty game!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
The hell with that sh*t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #2:
The hell with that damn sh*t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #3:
The hell with that damn f***ing sh*t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #4:
The hell with that goddamn, motherf***ing bullshit!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #3:
Relax.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #4:
Who’s gotta take a sh*t?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
I gotta take a sh*t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #4:
Then take that sh*t!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[squats over the game] Bombs away.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd #3:
[the other Nerds recoil in disgust] You diarrhea fiend.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[about the music] Sounds familiar, right? Sounds it was recycled from Who the F*** Framed Roger Rabbit, another piece of garbage they made.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
This game is my f***ing nightmare. It’s a frustrating incoherent pile of vomit and sh*t. Even the first screen is kind of weird because it shows Freddy without his glove but his knives are still coming out of his fingers. Now I think I might actually have an explanation for this, in the movie Nightmare par 2… Nah they just f***ed up.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay, whoever came up with this is…

[the in-game Nerd’s text says:
“Whoever came up with this level is an a**hole!”]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Exactly. They read my mind, they’re an a**hole! Which means the a**hole who made this game acknowledged that they’re an a**hole, and that I called them an a**hole! You a**hole.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can play as hidden characters, like the Bullshit Man, is that guy dead again?

[Referring to Guitar Guy appearing as a skeleton in-game]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And Mike… Who the f*** is Mike? I don’t know anyone like that.

Board James:
Well, isn’t that awesome? Somebody made a Monopoly game about you! Everybody’s gotta have a Monopoly game, even AC/DC has a Monopoly game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, that’s cool, but… how’d you get here? Aren’t you supposed to be in jail?

Board James:
Oh, well… I used the “Get Out of Jail Free” card! [He makes a silly face at the audience]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, but, didn’t you kill your friends or somethin’?

Board James:
[suddenly turns angry] That wasn’t me, that wasn’t me! That was the F***ING PHONE! God… F*** you! F*** everyone! [storms out]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
OK. Y’know, that guy looks familiar.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m just sittin’ around, minding my own business, when a zombie gingerbread man bursts in. I hate it when that happens.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And don’t you love the intentional typos? “Conglaturation!” Is that the new, hip way to spell it? Is what the kids are doing now?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And at the heart of it all, the final boss: my arch-nemesis. It’s… IT’S… Fred Fuchs. It’s the programmer motherf***ing Fred F***s! Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, f*** you, Fred F***s! URGH! F***s you, Fred F***! Ahhhhh! Got ‘im!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Unlike a majority of the games I rip apart, these were made by independent game developers. Usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughing Joking Numbnuts ever could.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, anyway, the first AVGN game we’re gonna look at is: The Angry Video Game by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That’s how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s me, throwing beer bottles. I have to admit, I’ve done that before, but if I had that many beers, I wouldn’t throw ’em, I’d drink ’em.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The stage boss… is a helicopter/guitar. And I wish I didn’t already call the cannons Scrotum Cannons, because now, the game is just mocking me. Have you ever seen the AVGN episode where a giant helicopter/guitar comes flying in, and pisses all over me?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So, basically, it’s Mega Man 2, but instead of Mega Man, it’s me. I’m in Mega Man 2, one of the best games ever made, and I’m in it. If I could’ve foreseen that as a kid, I would have sh*t my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game. So, if you thought the game wasn’t hard enough, and it needed The F***in’ Nerd in it, then this is for you.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Great, do I really need to be reminded of Silver Surfer again? Why does everything look like a dick? Oh, no, not the “Where’d you learn to fly?” b*tch! Then, there’s the happy land where everything is smiling. No matter where I die, or how I die, there’s always one of these things making fun of me.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Next is a level based entirely on the Atari Porn games. Who would do that? Don’t look, kids.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Then, there’s Blizzard of Balls, a Christmas snow level. Nothing says “Christmas” like shittin’ chickens. The best part is killing Santa, and using his body as a sled. On the polar opposite: we have the Hell level: Thy Farts Consumed, where you fight Caca-demons. And ride on a shark shooting lasers. This is ridiculous. Then, of course, you fight the Devil himself.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me. It’s like I shared all my horrible experiences. It’s all my fault! F*** this game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s a Nintoaster. And yes, it works.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time, like this one right here: “Action 52. F*** this game. Please do a review on it… You a**hole. Thanks.” Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Let’s start with the cartridge. It’s the freak misfit of the NES library. Games came in grey, black, blue, silver, gold, but clear? You can tell just by looking at it this is a game so bad it has nothing to hide.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Not only is this game crap, but it’s crap that comes with a price! $199.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If I was an intergalactic vaccum cleaner, I’d be like, “Oh, God! There’s a menora shooting q-tips! Get out of the way!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who wants to play a game that’s pitch black? It’s so black I can see my reflection in the screen! The question is how much more black can this be? And the answer is none.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is this? An inside-out dolphin shooting at roadkill toads? I don’t know, I’m just using my imagination. That’s all you have when you play this miserable pile of goat sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Whenever you go back to the menu, it always starts at “Ooze”. Is that the programmer’s recommendation? Well, so far, every one of these games is a bomb, but out of 52, I’m sure we’ll eventually find one that’s decent… I hope.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, green, green, and more green. What is this? A cabbage patch on a golf course infested with killer scrodums? This is a disgrace to the NES, the same console that gave us classics like Legend of Zelda! Silver Sword. The sword isn’t even silver. Maybe it’s coroted.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Critical Bypass. It’s critical that you bypass this game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, there’s no game here. What happened? Did the programmers pass out, or did they figure nobody would check all 52 games? Well, that’s four dollars wasted, but I guess I can’t say I’m really too excited over playing a game called “Alfredo”, also known as “Alfred and the Fettuc”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Dam Busters. Those damn busters!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You’re shitting me! This game is shitting me.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What are these objects here? I’m running out of imagination, here. I can’t decipher anythi… [the game gets scrambled]… Especially when the game starts having a f***ing seizure!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Out of the way, you f***ing ghosts! Here comes Mrs. Tits! Jumping like she’s on the moon! Die, you onion-faced balloon-floating um… thing!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game doesn’t even care it sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Another space shooter? Flying through McDonald’s arches? No thanks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
A rabbit in a hat? What does that do? Nothing at all. A bag of money? How about that? It turns into a green frowning face. Is that supposed to teach you a lesson like stealing money is greedy?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, then the game crashes. Good!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These must have been the easiest games to make. Make a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It’s getting old!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yay! I’ve always wanted to play a game where I’m a little girl shooting bubbles!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game has no rules.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there won’t be any more shitty games left to make? Out of all of these games, there’s gotta be one that’s at least tollerable!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, kill those cows! Turn them into a bowl of cereal with a puppy dog!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Isn’t that an appropriate title? Everything about these games is non human! Except for that very human-like face.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know you’re playing a shitty game when you can’t jump over a hole. You can try all day, but you’ll just end up falling into the purple dimension of green faces.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
By now, you’d be crying, because this game is mocking you.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I guess this guy doesn’t understand the concept of a hooker. You’re supposed to f*** her, not f*** her up.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Television makes a lot of sense.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The one f***ing game that doesn’t end crashes when you try to quit!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve been playing this game so long that I’ve sort of adapted to it’s crap factor! I swear, the next time I play a regular platformer, I’m gonna try jumping with B.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I can understand dying when you jump from a very high point, but can’t they at least make you die when you hit the ground?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I can think of some really bad games like Little Red Hood. That’s a horrible game, but at least it’s one horrible game, not 52! You know what’s better than playing Action 52? Playing 52 Pickup!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now I’m getting tired of this. Can someone at least try to kill me?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, I’m glad they spelled lazer with a Z, because that’s how you say it. You don’t say “laser”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Of course, I should have known. In Action 52, you cannot jump down. You will hit the air so hard you will die!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is this? Reject sprites of other video games thrown together?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who would think that “Boss” means a frog running around with a gun getting ambushed by bombs?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You’re an ant trying to make other ants dead ants like the Pink Panther. [sings the “Pink Panther” theme by saying “Dead Ant”]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What makes this ant different from the other ants? Oh, it’s pink, and anything pink in this game sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
A pig version of Rambo? No, that would have been too clever.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Time?” When you kill things, it says “Time?” What does that mean? Time to play another f***ing game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Robbie the Robot… more like Robbie the sunglass-wearing Bart Simpson look-alike in a blue dress.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I can’t believe they sold this shitfest for $199! That’s about how much it costs for a video game console! You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You’d rather do anything than spend it on a broken down, disfunctional disaster of video-game-programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping controls, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportions, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can’t win, games you can’t lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus and a f*** ton of other things, it should have been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid f*** for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn’t they have tried to make one good game as opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity. That’s our lesson here.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Fuzz Power. Well, fuzz is right. You’re some guy with a big nose, big feet, and lots of fuzz. You roll around fighting blow dryers and hair combs. What’s that? Popcorn? Oh no! I’m getting hit! I’m losing my fuzz! Now I’m… naked. Yeah. Whoever came up with this is an a**hole! [the screen shows The Angry Video Game Nerd on television. Below the television is a caption that reads TV Version] Whoever came up with this is an ass [bleep] Ass!… Hole? Ass [bleep] ! Television makes a lot of sense.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What kind of town is this where there’s a pedophile on every block in broad daylight?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they’re dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying “Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don’t wanna hurt you, I just wanna… grope your little alien ass.” Get out of my kitchen, you f***ing sicko!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Do you wish to continue playing? I love how the first choice is no.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s like sticking your dick in a glory hole without knowing what’s on the other side. Did that analogy make any sense? Whatever. I just compared a glory hole to an NES game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The game was nothing more than an advertisement for the movie, and how shameless is that to do something to promote something else? [in sotto voice] Monster Madness.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There was no quality assurance with this shitload of f***. This game is as much fun as a witch’s c*nt.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It may not be a pile of goat puke smothered in buffalo diarrhea, it’s just a pile of goat puke. Hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don’t even know if buffaloes GET diarrhea!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game has as much to do with the movie as the Space Hunter Nebula M has to do with Lake Titicaca.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Are these face-huggers? They look so funky. The face-huggers in Super Contra looked more like the ones from the movie. And that wasn’t even an Alien game. Here, they look like… Thing from Addams Family dragging a dildo. Just another addition to this game’s museum of anomalies: Ripley’s Believe it or Go F*** Yourself.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game does not hold your hand. Instead, it reaches down, grabs your dick and jerks you around. I promise, that’s my last dick joke. And when you pause the game, the music doesn’t stop. That really ties my dick in a knot. Okay, now I promise. No more dicking around.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If you make it all the way to the end, this is what you’ll get: “As Ripley leaves Fury 161, she turns back one last time.” Did they see the movie? She never leaves the planet. She drops herself into the fire and dies as the last alien hatches out of her chest. It’s the thing anybody would remember best from the movie! Then the credits start. “Quality Ass”. Quality Ass? That sums up the whole thing. There was no quality assurance with this shitload of f***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ah, what happened? I thought these were stairs. No, they’re just blue balls. Ha, what was I thinking? Stairs. They’ll beat you around like pinball flippers. I thought I was playing Alien, not Ripley Pinball.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can’t go in the doors either. It’s just part of the graphics. There’s no reason to have a door there if you can’t go in. The background did not need a door. If that door weren’t there, would you be confused? Would you be wondering, oh, gee, where am I? Is this supposed to be a jungle or something? No. This could not have been an artistic decision. They put it there to piss you off. Doesn’t it bother you not knowing what’s happening on the other side of that door? I know what: it’s this game’s mom bent over and getting f***ed!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait, actually I take it back. There WERE some good alien games on NES. They’re called Contra and Metroid!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[after playing, and losing, Home Alone 2] Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal. Ya miserable, f***ing c*nt piece of sh*t! Shitty games. All my life, shitty f***ing games. I hate shitty f***ing games! And I hate shitty f***ing Christmas ’cause shitty f***ing Christmas just means more shitty f***ing games! Humbug! *Bah!* F***ing humbug it to hell!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[has received Home Alone 2 on Nintendo] Wow, thanks for sending me this crappy game. Coal woulda been nice, or even better, a bag of poop. So thanks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Home Alone 2 on the N-E-f***ing-S.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Greetings, Nerd. Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Shaq Fu. Even the name makes people cringe, like you don’t even wanna go there.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The rotten core where this game stank bullshit stems from is its god forsaken control. The controls are mutilated. F***ing atrocious!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Just the fact that they can release a fighting game starring Shaquille O’Neal and call it Shaq Fu, pretty much proves that you can put ‘fu’ at the end of anything. How about ‘Robin Williams Fu’ or ‘U2-Fu’. I mean, who came up with this sh*t? What, were they smoking crack up their ass?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s Christmas! It’s Christmas. What a glorious Christmas day. Look at all these games! I think I’ll play Super Mario World. F*** yeah, this game is awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on…[quickly grows angry and ejects the game] Man, f*** that. [grabs a Virtual Boy] let’s play some shitty ones.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[flips him off] See this?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
I do see it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[moves his hand around] You’re not looking at it.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
But I see it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’d rather drink diarrhea sauce!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[as old man] Now, I got this bullshit f*** game called Farcry Vengenace. Now, you put ‘vengeance’ at the end of anything, and it’s sure to suck.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who are you?

Ghost of Christmas Present:
I’m the Ghost of Christmas Present, b*tch.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What do you want?

Ghost of Christmas Present:
I just wanted to remind you of the fond memories you had with Super Nintendo. Remember Metroid, Zelda, Mario? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you’re doing right now?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Talking to you?

Ghost of Christmas Present:
No, this is out of body, don’t you get it? Right now, you’re looking back at one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look, Ghost, why come to me?

Ghost of Christmas Past:
To take you back to the past.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
To play the shitty games that suck ass? No thanks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[as old man] Remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that’s what they called it. But, it was very revolutionary when it first came out, but looking at it now, it’s like a baby’s toy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing “Shaq Fu”] So, you’re wandering around, fighting everybody you meet, including a goblin sort of thing, some crazy cat-b*tch, a Persian prince, I guess, and all kinds of weird aliens and a mummy warrior. I never even heard of such a thing! I just don’t know about this. It’s really weird. I kind of liked “Full House: Tournament Fighter”. At least that had more appropriate characters.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Because I wasn’t ready to go completely insane tonight.

Ghost of Christmas Past:
But you’re already there, drowning in your own misery and intolerance.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[looking back on his childhood] I remember nothing but torture.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This controller is a piece of sh*t. What’s the most important aspect of a video game? Well, being able to f***ing play it! And what do you need to play it with? A f***ing controller! So, what do you do if the controller doesn’t work? You’re f***ed! In the name of God, Heaven and Hell, everything else in between, every living creature on earth, by the outer rims of the Universe, every Megaverse in the Ultraverse, let it be known! Let the word be known! This controller is f***ing horrible!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Then there are all these numeric buttons. I mean, what is this for? Is this thing a phone? Like, is this used for talking to intergalactic space aliens, or flying f***ernauts or astrobastards?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There is one alternative, the track ball, but it’s an ungodly abomination that begs for an apocalypse. Look at it. It’s as big as a VCR or DVD player. It’s big enough to be the game system, let alone the controller! It’s almost as big as the Nintendo… No, wait, it’s actually bigger than the Nintendo! What a beast! But the ultimate question is: does it work? Well, does it? [tries it out on a game] No, it doesn’t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Atari. Ah, yes. A golden time people remember from history. A time when there were no Internet, no cell phones, just electronic video games. Okay, it was the dark age.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This began a little trend I like to call “the Bit Wars”. Nobody ever knew about bits before then, and nobody really cared. I mean, what are bits, anyway? Try explaining that to your parents. “I want a Super Nintendo for Christmas!” “Don’t you already have Nintendo?” “Yeah, but this one’s 16 bit!” “What’s that?” “I don’t know.”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The graphics are nothing special. Where’d the other 48 bits go?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, let’s play some Jag!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Was there any reason not to have music? Did they run out of time? Some may say it makes it scarier that way, but it would be nice if they had the option. I call this one “Silent Doom”, so just turn on your Slayer, and you’re all set to go.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is the weirdest game I’ve ever played. I mean, it’s not bad if you’re drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this sh*t? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about you’re a shark, and you gotta shake palm trees til trains fall down, and you put the trains in an apple, and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls, and to get them down, you have collect monkey butts, so you drop the monkey butts on powerlines, and… [immitates his head exploding]

Green Face:
Where did you learn to fly?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[zaps the face away with the Super Scope] Where’d you learn to be an a**hole?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
We’ve played some good games, some bad games, and overall… it makes me want to puke… like a cat.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s a fine looking design. It looks like a toilet! Yeah, it’s a f***ing toilet! What a perfect analogy!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[after Richard’s failed attempt] Well, thanks for trying, and thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting edge snarling Jaguar doesn’t? There’s something wrong here, and you know, I blew $250 on this thing, so you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah. And guess what. It doesn’t work either! So that’s about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars! And these things are rare, so when the only two that I’m able to get my hands on don’t work, that means to me that these things are most definately self-aware! They don’t want to work! You can’t make them! They just refuse to be reviewed! And I’ve never had that happen! So, The End. I gotta take a sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[when the Jaguar logo beings to attack him, to his cat] Sick it, death kitty! [his black cat begins to chase the logo]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Can you imagine just sitting around, minding your own business and all of a sudden, some naked chick breaks in and starts humping the crap out of you? [looks expectedly at the door; no one comes] You know, that’s really not fair. I get Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger and Spider-Man, Bugs Bunny, but no naked chick. F*** this sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Remember the old commercial, “have you played Atari today?” Well f*** yeah I did, but you don’t wanna know what I was playing.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about Philly Flasher] This game really disturbs me, but I don’t get it. Is this supposed to be erotic? I don’t know about you, but I’m not at all turned on by some old, wrinkly, shitty witch titties! That’s f***in’ nasty, man! What sick f*** came up with this? What were they thinking?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Philly Flasher? Like, are they referring to Philadelphia? Now, let me ask you this: What do you think of when you think of Philadelphia? Ben Franklin? The Liberty Bell? Rocky? Cheesesteak? A witch shooting milk out of her tits?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What sicko came up with this game? Okay, guys, let’s have some naked, big-breasted chick hanging from a helicopter trying to put out fire with a naked guy in the middle and some cannibal b*tches, I guess, throwing sh*t at you!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now if you think that’s crazy that there exists a pornographic Atari game, well, guess what? There’s tons of them, and Atari had nothing to do with it. See, today this would never be allowed but back then, anybody could make a game for the Atari 2600 and sell it. So, wanna see more? You sick bastards.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game was nothing more than a joke. It stirred up a lot of outcry when it came out in 1982. Native Americans were offended. Women’s activists were offended. Parents were offended if their kids got a hold of it, and I’m offended, because this game’s a f***ing piece of sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Here we have Jungle Fever. I like to call it Jungle C*nt.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, what can you say? Atari and porn. Witches, door to door prostitutes, cowboy rapists, rooftop beaters, what more can you ask for?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Football! Don’t even get me started! And I’m not talking about the kind of game where they actually use their foot. I mean the kind where they actually slam into each other like a bunch of barbarians! What I don’t understand is why everything always has to be bowl. What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know what the Super Bowl is; it’s the most anticipated football game of the season, and with so much testone and high energy going around, why is the half-time show always some p*ssy pop group? Get Metallica up there or something! It doesn’t make any sense!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If I’m going to do sports games, I’m going to start with Atari. These are what you call real sports games. Look at these f***ing titles. Baseball, Basketball, Football, none of this Madden sh*t. Just plain old, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee’s pet goldfish, no quarterback, dimeback, nickelback! Simple, ordinary, unembelished, unmistakeable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blood as an atom bomb, one common word! It’s motherf***ing, god damn, sons of bitching, f*** f*** f***ing football!… and it’s one of the worst games I’ve ever played in my life.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is this? Geodude fighting Mr. Game & Watch in the middle of a baseball field?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
International Soccer! Have 45 minutes to spare? Then I don’t recommend it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They punch each other so hard, the sounds of their impacts resignate of the sound of a cannon blast!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I guess I gotta go downstairs to home plate.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Sports games have been around since video games first existed. How do I ignore it? I can’t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t know anything about sports! I’m a f***ing nerd!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is this? Purple Men Can’t Jump?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The player looks like the letter G that’s been stepped on or something.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even though I know nothing about sports, I can tell you one thing… There’s only one pitcher in baseball! What the hell is going on here? They eat the other players, just like how Pac Man eats the ghosts.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Super Challenge Baseball is slightly advanced. By slightly advanced, I mean it’s like a bunch of restroom signs got loose and got together to play baseball.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Have you ever seen a baseball game where the catcher goes after the ball? By the time he gets it, the runner had already gone to first base, had a cup of coffee, and watched the whole Godfather trilogy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I like how you’re dribbling a square. Yeah, this was before circles were invented.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why is it surrounded by blue? It looks like water, like it’s on an island. Yeah, it’s Football Island. In other words, Hell!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This person golfing looks like Mimal the Elf. Now, I must explain: Mimal is like an acronym for Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas and Louisiana, and together, they’re shaped like an elf. Minnesota is the hat, and Louisiana is the foot. And this is Mimal playing golf. But am I talking about video games here or world geography?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look at all the baseball games! I don’t know where to begin! Major League, all-stars, always named after athletes, sequels… What the hell is different this time? It’s baseball!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
All the football games, it’s Madden, Madden, Madden! Madden ’91, Madden ’92, Madden ’93, Madden ’94, Madden ’95, Madden ’96, Madden ’97, Madden ’98, Madden ’99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003! Who the f*** is John Madden anyway? He doesn’t even look like a f***ing athlete!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why is the batter naked? I’m not trying to be funny. He is naked. You can see all the other players wearing shirts and pants. The batter is naked, and they gave him a dick. Maybe it’s a knee, but where’s the other knee? It’s a dick. The batter is naked. Concluded.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Grand Pricks. Yeah, I know it’s Prix, but it looks like Pricks. It’s a bunch of kazoos driving through a cabbage patch. It’s a fun game. But try out Math Grand Prix! You can’t make your car move until you answer a math question! You wouldn’t wish this game on your worst enemies.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s with your legs? They’re multi-jointed! It looks like a Combo! Yeah, you know, those little pretzel bites with cheese in the middle? Yeah, I know, I’m stretching it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is that sound supposed to be? Is that the sound of the bat cutting through space and time?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the hell, man? It’s like the characters from Pong went to play golf! Oh, God, it’s killing me! It’s like you’re a square pushing a smaller square towards another square! I don’t even know what to say about this game! Just look at it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That is the sound of all-encompassing negativity.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
This game is so bad, I *really* don’t wanna play it. But Darth Vader came from the planet Vulcan and said that he’ll melt my brain if I don’t, so I don’t have a choice.

[last lines]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
There’s gotta be one good thing about this game, and I know what it is. It fits in a toaster.

[the Nerd inserts the game pack inside his toaster and blows the game up]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You gotta love that music. Sound just like the movie right? And that’s it! It just loops over and over again. And you’re not gonna believe it, but that’s all you hear the entire game. Yep, from the title screen all the way to the end, same f***ing music. I’d rather have a f***ing buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear then subject them to this horrendous garbage!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You know what’s the worse thing about this game? It’s that it bears the name “Back to the Future”, a movie well worth putting more time and effort into making a decent game. And the movie came out in ’85, the game in ’89. There’s no excuse. No f***in’ excuse. Just suddenly orders are past, Quick! Make a shitty game, name it after a big movie, and just spit into stores for all the kids to buy for 50 bucks! Yeah, 50 f***ing bucks! There’s no internet to look up reviews back then, it was just, you know, you buy a game and hope for the best. With Back to the Future, how could you go wrong? Oh yeah, you can go f***in’ wrong all right. Like if I just shat into a bag and wrote “Back to the Future” on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of sh*t! It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of sh*t! I’ll never play again either, this is my last time. I’d rather eat out the rotten a**hole of a roadkilled skunk then play this game ever again. I’m dead serious too.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
I wish I could go back in time to prevent this game from being made.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Jumping is useless. Try jumping over the bench, you’ll never make it. So, what’s the point of having a jump button, if it doesn’t help at all?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Why does she wanna kill Marty anyway?

Marty McFly:
He’s an a**hole.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Sh*t soup!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[trying to land the plane in Top Gun, the plane flies off the TV, through the window and keeps on going] Um, if anybody sees that plane, let me know.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[after playing Back to the Future Part II on Super Famicon] A GOOD Back to the Future game? Somebody made a good Back to the Future game… and it was only in Japan? What the f*** is wrong with this f***ing world? We get THESE shitty games, but not that one? Well, why would you do that? It’s good. I mean, it’s not great, but its the best goddamn Back to the Future game I ever played. It’s actually a game. Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people who have suffered through these f***ing f***heaps. People have developed f***ititis from this sh*t. People who have gone on to lead horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you’d have went back in time and said to people, “hey, hey, there’s a good Back to the Future game. So put this sh*t down and go to Japan.” They would have looked at you like… you were telling them to go teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. So thank you for taking a f***ing sh*t on us all.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why does LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn’t they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness: PURPLE for putrid game play, BLUE for bad musical abominations, GREEN for graphical farts and garlic, YELLOW for piss poor lack of loyalty to source material, ORANGE for “orange you a f***ing idiot?”, and RED for high-stress, anger-inducing masochism. Put that all together, you got all the colors of the sh*t rainbow. Hooray LJN.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I was never really satisfied with my older videos, I always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The McKids video for example, I feel should have had a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald and Grimace and the Hamburglar, Dracula and Skelator. I’d also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as sh*t, and give them some new enhancements. In the Friday the 13th video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head. That made me look like a cold-blooded killer, I always felt Jason should have shot first. I’m just kidding, I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Top Gun] Your final target is a space shuttle. That didn’t even happen in the movie. Why are we destroying the space shuttle? Can’t let those f***ers go to space.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s time to go back to the past to go back to Back to the Future.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
One thing I didn’t elaborate on before was that Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can’t stop walking. You’d think this was a goddamn flying game ’cause you can’t stop. Imagine the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk throughout eternity.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s the most literal interpretation of a movie. It’s about time, so let’s have clocks. It’s about romance, so let’s have hearts. Was this game designed by a human being; or did they feed the movie into a computer to process and then sh*t out this nonsensical f*** poop?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how you play it, and that’s where things get really interesting.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I could do something more productive with my time. I could learn a new foreign language. I could study microbiology. I could train Siberian tigers. Instead, I’m degenerating my brain cells into 8-bit pixels.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, that f***ing song. I am so sick of hearing that. Next time I hear “Ghost Riders in the Sky,” I’m gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse, jumping crates and getting shot at and sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[on Back to the Future on NES] I revisited this miserable sh*t-turd from my childhood, and now it’s time to revisit my revisiting of it. I wasn’t satisfied with my incomplete review of it and my lack of attention to the sequels. I guess you could say I was a slacker.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And what about the music? Wouldn’t this have been an opportune time to hear Earth Angel or Johnnie B. Goode? Okay, wait a minute, it IS Johnnie B. Goode… on crack. If they can make the DuckTales theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now that we’ve seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has… *some* relation to the movie, but it doesn’t have any of the familiar music cues. And don’t tell me it was some sort of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So after all that bullshit, you finally get the item and now you have to find out where to take it. I know where the game designers can take it, but that’s another story.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m f***ing pissed enough, but we’ve got one more game: Back to the Future III on Sega Genesis. Believe it or not, it has the Back to the Future theme, but it sounds like ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You f***ing processing, stop being so blast!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are there for decoration, like this underwear.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Guess what? There’s no save feature. Who came up with this? We’re not even allowed to turn off our Nintendo? We have to beat the whole game in one clean shot? Don’t be so f***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[putting it in the toaster] Hey! I’m having deja vu here!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
As a kid, I’ve spent hours on this part, and after 20 years, it hasn’t gotten any easier!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You have to collect music notes. What did you expect? Well, it’s certainly no “Guitar Hero” or “Rock Band”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow. The number has definately changed, and we now have a Nintendo game that gives a phone number to a sex talk hotline. That is f***ing awesome.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Don’t pay attention to those flashing instructions! Tell them to go f*** their face!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Every level looks the same, just with different colors. No effort was put into this. Just change the colors for the different levels, and kids will think it’s different. Do they think we’re idiots?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s time to go back… to the past… again.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why bury the gem and dig up the sh*t?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I like how it says “Back to the Future” at the bottom of the screen, just to remind you of what you’re playing. Otherwise, you’d forget it has anything to do with “Back to the Future”!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The intro scenes follow the movie quite well, but then the game starts, and you see all these dinosaurs, snails, and runaway trash cans. What the hell happened here? It couldn’t possibly be any *more* different from the film! In this timeline, when Biff brought the sports almanac to 1955, it somehow created a world full of piranha plants, killer clouds, and evil Marties.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Remember when I was the Angry Nintendo Nerd, reliving the frustrating games from my youth?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[in 2006] Ass! F***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, not much has changed.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, this one get’s the offical “Bat Stamp of sh*t”. Onto the next game, but first, gotta tell it I’m Batman. [holds up game] I’m Batmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Next up, ‘Batman Forever’ for the Super Nintendo. Now we’re in deep sh*t, because this game is triceratop testicles.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***! Sh*t! Get up there! This is f***ing bullshit! You’d think to shoot up, you’d just press up, but *no*! It jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck, until I found out that, okay, this is how it works. To shoot up, you press select and up in a very specific way. You have to press select slightly before you press jump, if you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump. That’s a good reason why the jump button should not be up! Why can’t it be one of the f***ing buttons? Having the f***ing jump button be up is f***ing f***ed up!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, look at that! Chainsaw to the dick!

[repeated line]

The Angry Video Game nerd:
I’m Batman!

The Angry Video Game nerd:
It sucked back then, and it sucked forever!

The Angry Video Game nerd:
This is f***ed beyond belief!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s also interesting to note that you have the option of playing as Robin. Well who’d do that? I wanna be Batman.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’d rather have a diarrhea dog take a lava dump all over the screen.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s the thing about the Commodore, it only works when it wants to.

[to The Joker]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m gonna shove these f***ing games up your ass!

The Joker:
Oh, would you like to play a bad game, Batman? How about the Gameboy version, The Return of The Joker. Have fun motherf***er!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe it’s ass on a eagle.

[the Joker is laughing loudly]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Shut Up!

The Joker:
F*** you, motherf***er!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What, do they just die whenever they feel like it?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker.

The Joker:
What are you playing, Return of the Joker? Didn’t you just play Return of the Joker? Return of the Joker, Return of the Joker… how about Revenge of the Joker for the Sega Genesis.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m gonna shove these f***ing games up your ass! [literally does it. The Joker screams in pain with each game] Batman: Revenge of the Joker! Batman: Return of the Joker! Batman Forever! Batman: Return of the Joker on Game Boy! And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64! [wedges it in]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Holy bat sh*t!

Kyle Justin:
The hell with this sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The hell with this *f***ing* sh*t.

Kyle Justin:
The hell with this banana buffalo wearing… bastard bullshit!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, now you’re talking! Well anyway, Battletoads…

Kyle Justin:
I’m going behind the couch.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, go bunker yourself from all these, like, shitty games.

Kyle Justin:
How are we supposed to work as a team when you keep killing me?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hey, you killed me.

Kyle Justin:
Sorry.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Level 3, we’re real lucky we made it this far.

Kyle Justin:
[singing] He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You bet your ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s not fair. You kill me then you take my 1up?

Kyle Justin:
Hey I let you try to get it. It’s not my fault you f***ed up.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
People were wondering, like, what is this? Some cheap Ninja Turtles knock-off? But it was actually pretty good… [notices Kyle had sat down next to him] Who the f*** are you?

Kyle Justin:
I’m your guitar guy. [AVGN stares at him] I play your theme song… from behind the couch.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well go back behind the damn couch! Geez.

Kyle Justin:
You know that’s not really the welcome I expected.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why are you always behind my couch anyway?

Kyle Justin:
There are no other couches to go behind.

Kyle Justin:
Why can’t I review the game with you?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why can’t you… because that’s not how it works. I play the games and you… get your ass back behind the F***ING COUCH!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Game over? That’s game over for you, not for me.

Kyle Justin:
Uh, I don’t know.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What? You’ve gotta be kidding me. You died, but we both have to start back at the beginning.

Kyle Justin:
Sorry.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Rash, Pimple and Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts and Gonorrhea?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[Kyle’s player kills his] Oh you f***er!

Kyle Justin:
I didn’t mean to do it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh that’s really a problem. You shouldn’t be able to hit each other. That’s f***ing BULLSHIT!

Kyle Justin:
What the f***?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I SWEAR I didn’t mean to do that. I was just trying to get the guy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, fine, you can sit here just this one time.

Kyle Justin:
Thank you.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You happy?

Kyle Justin:
I’m very happy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Very good. Okay, Battletoads on the NES… put that down. [Kyle picks up the second controller] Put it down, drop it! You can’t f***ing play the game with me.

Kyle Justin:
Why not?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Because it’s not even a two player game.

Kyle Justin:
Yeah it is.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No it’s not, look, you see two players? Push start, that’s it. Alright, so anyway, the game begins… [sees two players] How’d you do that?

Kyle Justin:
I pushed start.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ohhhh, so it’s arcade style.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Don’t get hit. Dumbass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
When you pause the game, you get this catchy beat. [beat plays. AVGN and Kyle dance to it] What’s the point of that? When you pause the game, it should just be quiet.

Kyle Justin:
I don’t ever get to do anything. You don’t even use my song that much anymore.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So, “Battletoads” is *not* a two-player game. Having a second player is as convenient as having a Siamese bulldog attached to your anus! It’s just, like, with one player it’s hard, but with two, it’s virtually unplayable!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Of course! It was made by LJN. “Made by LJN.” You know, that’s something everyone is always trying to correct me about. LJN was not a game developer, they were a publisher that contracted other companies to develop the games. I know that, but that doesn’t change the fact that every time this logo appears on a game, it’s guaranteed to be ass! If LJN published it, they still made it; it’s an LJN game. So technically, this one was developed by Rare, meaning it’s a Rare f***in’ day when LJN makes a game that’s not a 12-foot tall mountain of dog sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So, how does Beetlejuice hold up? Let’s turn on the juice and see what shakes loose!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Nope, no, not fun, game sucks. That’s all you need to know. F***in’ Beetlejuice. You know, what I’d rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush ’em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn’t say anything about drinkin’ it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a few cutscenes but they’re very brief, so it’s like they almost tried to be faithful to the film. I mean, come on! Beetlejuice can’t say “Nice f***in’ model!” and honk his crotch in an NES game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
In conclusion, I could say the game is ass, it’s a steaming pile goat sh*t, horrible abomination, but the perfect way to sum it up is it’s an LJN game. It doesn’t matter who actually developed it, they were hired by LJN. The welcome letter probably said something like this. “Welcome to our team of Laughing Joking Numbnuts. Here at LJN, we strive in creating the world’s leading shitfests and providing to our customers the greatest raping of all their favourite films. We value your addition in helping us continue to grow the Black Plague of today’s generation of gaming. Enclosed you will find our handbook of policies and procedures in developing games with Bouncing Bullshit, Perpendicular Dick Ploys, B*tch Barriers, Inanimate Anal Assassinations, Fruitless Farts, Diarrhetic Diversions, Freeform F***ery, Pinpoint Piss Taking, Rat Trap Crapshoots, and Bad Music. We are proud to have you on board.” Well, f*** this game, watch it go!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, I have to say I like that you play as Beetlejuice, the Goofy Ghoul himself, and not one of the main human characters in the movie. But for a guy who’s supposed to be the Ghost with the Most, he really sucks the most.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And the holes, by the way: the only place where you’re allowed to fall down are only one screen deep. You think you’re supposed to keep going down? No: you die. So you have to go back out the hole. Yeah, how ’bout out my a**hole, ya f***s!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You never know what you’re supposed to do! You’ll come to an apparent dead-end, only to realize later that you have to get this cloud to move; it’ll only move after the beehive is destroyed, and the only way to do that is to get the skeleton power-up and use it to shoot a fireball at it! That’s the kinda sh*t that would never make sense in any other context; say that to someone in a sentence: “To get a cloud to move, I had to get a skeleton to shoot a fireball at a beehive.” When did that ever happen in the movie? And we’re talking about a movie that’s batshit insane, but this makes the movie look like something out of the ordinary! You know, most game stick to certain traditions that ignore the strange and the unusual… but this game itself is strange and unusual.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Isn’t it nice how every time you try to move the screen down, you die? In most games, falling down pits is common; you fall, you die. That’s fair, but here, if you advance the screen up and try to jump back down to where you once were, you still die. To get the screen to scroll back down, you have to gradually descend, hopping along lower platforms. Simply put, the edge of the screen is death. It’s a good way to box the player in like a rat, forcing them to move about in the most unconventional ways, and insulting their intelligence at the same time. This will be known as the B*tch Barrier, and the player is the b*tch.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
All he can do is jump on enemies, but unlike a famous Italian plumber, all it does is stun the enemies and toss you back a hundred miles like you just bounced off a trampoline.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’d rather f*** a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ass. I’d rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog’s anus hole. It’s just a bunch of poopy, diarrhea doo-doo ass sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So, who knows? Call it whatever you want. Call it Super 3D F*** Farts, if you want.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Noah, man. Nobody f***s with him, not even Chuck Norris.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Have you ever tried lifting a horse? It’s not that easy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Those sheep are a b*tch the carry, especially if you’re trying to get past the lion. That lion hates sheep and anybody who carries sheep. However, if you go past him without the sheep, they don’t give a sh*t. I can even pick the lion up, and it doesn’t care. Sure, try that in real life! Pick up a lion and see what happens! And while you’re at it, just try to punch that lion right in the nuts! Yeah, right in the f***in’ nuts!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about the game music] You’d rather listen to your only infant child puking to death, or choking on his own puke chunks…that’s disgusting. I apologize.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What other game can you say “I just threw Baby Moses into the water”? For some reason, I can’t stop saying Baby Moses. Baby Moses, Baby Moses. When you get to the end of the level it says “Good work, but you forgot Baby Moses”. I didn’t forget him, I just didn’t want him!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Is that how Noah did it? He did it all by himself by picking the animals up? Well according to Bible Adventures, that’s how it happened.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Noah man nobody f***s with him not even Chuck Norris.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Welcome back to another sacrilegious Christmas f***fest!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I’d be pissed!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow. Quite a lot of instructions just to start the damn game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You play as Moses, I guess on his way to the promised land. He had to go through labyrinths shooting W’s at everything and collecting sacks with the letter M.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Kill All Babies”? I’m playing an NES games that says “Kill All Babies”?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If Noah and all the animals can turn into fish, they wouldn’t need the f***ing ark.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about “Raid 2020”] Maybe I’ll review that in the year, 2020.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Seriously, is that the best they could come up with? I would think she’d die of starvation before her clothes start to rot.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hey, we’ve got this shitty ass game, but there’s this girl taking her clothes off, so you gotta keep playing it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What does catching parachuting fish and shooting them up at an electric eel have to do with the Bible?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who are these atheists trying to stop you from getting to church? It’s bad enough that the entire neighborhood is after you, but what’s with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What’s this guy’s problem? Like why does everybody want him dead? I’d say he’s having quite a day, and the funny thing is he probably gets to church and doesn’t even mention it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The only other thing that changed are some of the enemies. Ninjas are now kids and these Elvis-looking dudes are now plumbers. I guess ninjas were too violent, and Elvis’ devilish rock was too much for this game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why does a bird come out everytime you kill someone, and why do they go from white to black? Kinda like a reverse Michael Jackson.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Time to flick the sh*t switch, turn up the diarrhea dial, IT’S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I! Yeaaaah! We’re living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why is “Moses and Me” graffitied on a wall?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[trying to color] What the hell is this? Leprosy? That’s real nice.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The final game, Samson, has a game called the Riddler’s Race. So was the Riddler in the Bible? I didn’t know that!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good f***ing night.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas f***fest.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why do they turn from white to black? Kinda like a reverse Michael Jackson.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
In the beginning, a game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unliscenced games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, “Let there be sh*t.” And there was sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Goodliest? Who the f*** uses a word like that? Blessedness? Of course. They’re all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that’s about the extent of that. I marvel at this game’s shitliness.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Of course, you can read the Bible, that is if you want to use your Game Boy as an old fashion eBook reader.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, you’re not supposed to catch the monkeys? You’re supposed to catch the fruit they’re throwing at you. How was I supposed to know that? So the monkeys are supposed to die in the flood afterall.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Another thing you could do is look up specific words. Like, for example, let’s look up the word, “ass”. Okay, I had no idea there’d be this many results. “Then they rent their clothes, and laded every man his ass?” “Lose his ox or his ass?” “Whose ass have I taken?” “Deliver unto his neighbor an ass?” “Which of you shall have an ass?” “He had found a young ass?” “The dumb ass?” It says “dumbass” in the Bible! “Saddled his ass?” “Opened his sack to give his ass?” “The lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass?” “Riding upon his ass?” Oh, I’m going to Hell!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hot selling! Yeah, right.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Out of all the games on this cartridge, this is probably the most original. They sure did put a new twist on the story. Instead of Adam and Eve being a man and a woman, they’re now asexual twins. Take a guess which is which: the one with green hair, or the one with red skin? Are they aliens or something? Is that why there’s space in the background?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What kind of bird lays eggs while it’s flying? That’s like a human mother running a marathon and then dropping out a baby.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wouldn’t know what to think to make a game based off of Adam and Eve, but I would never think to make the Forbidden Fruit count as points. What were they thinking when they were trying to come up with this? I guess they were just trying to be really original. Well, nope. It’s actually a complete rip-off of Balloon Fight.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So basically, the game has nothing to do with the Bible, so why am I including it as part of Bible Games? Well, here’s a better question: Why the f*** did they call it Adam & Eve?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Not much to illiterate here. Just going around blasting giant cheese puffs.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Then there’s David & Goliath, which might as well be called David and the F***ing Sheep, because that’s all you do is carry sheep from one stage to the next. Man, who the f*** is able to carry three sheep and climb a tree at the same time?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes! Indiana Jones wouldn’t do that! He thinks Noah’s a snake-saving-sh*t-sucker! Pee Wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That’s right, in order of manliness: Indiana Jones, then Pee Wee, and then f***ing Noah!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Noah also has to be able to identify all the male and female animals, so how does he have a keen instinct for this? I’m no bird expert, but does the Toucan exhibit any signs of its gender? If it’s a female, does Noah look at it and go, “Look at the cans on that toucan”?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The graphics are dull. Why is there so much brown? The ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why does everything have to be the color of sh*t? It might as well be sh*t. Yeah, the trees are like logs of sh*t coming out of God’s ass! It’s holy sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I could end things now, but I really don’t want there to be a Bible Games 4, so there’s a bit of unfinished business.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about “The Wise Men”] That means it’s the only Christmas game. Isn’t that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I bother doing all these other Bible games? I guess when I decide to do bad games, I go above and beyond.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Every pixel in this game is a sin!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t get the title. “Flight to Egypt”? You’re not flying. You’re riding on a donkey… or ass if you prefer. What airline is this? Ass Express?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Your only attack is this embarrassing dinky little kick which can’t harm anything unless it’s right up in your ass. Or I should say your ass’s ass, not your ass that’s sitting upon your ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[the ending to “Flight to Egypt”] “They arrive safely in Egypt, and an angel visits Joseph. [It goes back to the title screen] And that’s it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick to his stomach? Did the donkey stomp them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed a certain button by mistake and canceled out the rest of the ending, but no! I’ve actually beaten the game multiple times just to solve this mystery, and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I’m aware the last screen is supposed to be a blank screen with text that says, “Give your heart to Jesus”, but I’m not seeing it, so I’m assuming I have to beat all three games to see the true ending, and I’m not going through all that trouble! Although, I will give my heart to Jesus. [pulls out his heart] Oh! Oh, Jesus!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s as if the water is trying to exist, but can’t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m not trying to find glitches. It just so happens the whole game is a glitch. Look at this picture here! The hill turned into nothing! The tail lights are flying off the truck! And the bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are so close to touching the ground, but don’t.

Commercial Punk:
Never lose a race again! You’re always winner!

Commercial Punk:
BIG RIGS. Over the Road Racing. Above the road, under the road, who knows? BIG RIIIGS!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Light speed. Ludicrous speed! We’ve gone to plaid!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You’re a ghost trucker. Are you Large Marge?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, let’s go in reverse. [He drives in reverse and is shocked to find that he continues to accelerate infinitely. He drives off the map] Um… Ladies and gentlemen, the truck has left the game. The game is so f***ing bad they programmed a way to escape it! And it’s not a secret trick or anything like that. All you have to do is keep driving in one direction and soon enough, you’re in Limbo!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
But wait, w-w-wait. Let me comprehend one thing at a time here, alright? First of all, why does the truck go faster in reverse than it does going forward? It seems like it accelerates infinitely. How many times have I rolled the speedometer over? I must be going a thousand miles per hour right now! In reverse! In a big ass truck! I’m so far away, I can’t even find my way back to the game. I’ve never been this far outside the boundaries of a video game. How did they let you do that? Even in the shittiest games I’ve ever played, even they stop you when you reach the gray wall of nothing. Even LJN games don’t do this sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is not even close to a finished game. If you can call it a game, it’s the worst game ever made. And I’ve played a lot, what is this, Episode 118? So, that is a big statement, but I’m dead f***ing serious. It isn’t as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. No, no, it’s not as bad an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
By the year 2003, wouldn’t there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70’s had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. I-i-it couldn’t have been sold in stores! But apparently, it did. This is the box! It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Somebody from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“You’re Winner” is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It’s the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It’s already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it’s been corrected to “You win.” Disappointing, I know.

Commercial Punk:
Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as not to interrupt the racing experience! Nothing stands in your way when you’re BIIIIG RIIIIIGS! Rear-spinning tires with warp drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!

Commercial Punk:
Hey kids! Strap yourself in for some action-packed racing! It’s Big Rigs. 18 wheels of thunder! And we got trucks! Yeah, trucks. Big Rigs. Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Imagine buying this game, thinking it’s gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this! It’s like a cruel prank! They should’ve recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of f***! I wonder what it would’ve been like.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it. Certain light posts are given strange colors that stick out from the rest of the game. The Arc de Triomphe appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area. Trucks are referred to as cars. The Ultranav points you get from crossing checkpoints don’t always go in order. I mean what the f*** is Ultranav anyway? The timer goes outside the box, and on top of all that, the box that the game comes in is a complete lie! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork that would be excusable, but the back says “you’ll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law.” “Deliver your load to its destination.” What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game delivers a load, alright. Load of f***ing sh*t! I’ll deliver a load all over this f***ing game! It’s not even a game. It doesn’t count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can’t! It’s nothing but win! “You’re winner!” It’s like the game feels sorry for you!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You play as either Bill or Ted. They don’t interact on-screen together, which is pretty shitty for a game with such a recognizable duo. So, we’re looking for Rembrandt. And you know what? I dare to say, they missed the opportunity to make this an educational game. It didn’t have to go overboard – it could have still been an action adventure game, with some informative elements. It’s all about finding the historical dude, but there’s no aspect of the game where you return them to where they belong! Wouldn’t it be nice if they at least had a little description there to tell you who Rembrandt is, instead of just his f***ing phone number?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And all these time periods are so vague. They’re mostly just graphical redesigns of the same stage, over and over again! They don’t tell where or when any of this is supposed to be. There’s games that are educational, but suck as a game, but this game… just sucks both ways!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is among the most annoying things in video gaming history! This is like, the f***ing bombs in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the narrow jumps in Ninja Turtles, the snipers in Dick Tracy, the stairs in Ghostbusters, the pits in E… [shudders at the thought of E.T] Ugh!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
All the weapons have the same range: they just fly about ten miles away! There’s no straight attack! How about give me a crossbow or something? No. You know what you’re using? You know what this weapon is? It’s a textbook! A f***ing textbook that explodes! By the way, this won’t change history at all. Let’s go around, blowing people up. Let’s kill some ancestors. That’s real great. As long as it doesn’t affect the Wyld Stallyns’ concert! When they come back to the present, it’s going to be some kind of Planet of the Apes sh*t. They’re going to be playing to an audience full of intelligent sloths!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And Bill & Ted… might even be… The worst LJN game on the NES! It doesn’t just have some “flaws”, there’s no good and bad, this game is ALL BAD! Like, I’m impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? “Bad” doesn’t even describe it! It’s disgraceful’! It’s putrid! In fact, I looked up the word “putrid” in the dictionary. There’s no definition. It’s just a picture of Bill & Ted on NES!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wait… it’s automatic? You just… do nothing? Yeah. If you wait long enough, the phone booth will go through the circuits on its own. The drawback: if you let it do that, it costs coins. If you run out of coins, you’re far past f***ed; the game is over. So you obviously want to save as many as possible. That’s the only advantage to blasting yourself outside the circuits: free time travel.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I finally found Rembrandt. And for one dialogue box, you have to hit B instead of A, again changing the rules around. You have to choose which item to give him. There’s only one correct choice. Let’s say I give him the skull. That’s the wrong one, so I have to start over. The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure. And here’s where the game couold have been somewhat educational… but instead, it’s a joke! For example, for Julius Caesar, you’re supposed to give him salad dressing – hur hur hur! For Thomas Edison, you’re supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let’s not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card! For Elvis, a gravestone! Here you go, Elvis! Here’s your f***ing gravestone! You’re gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you’re going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence! Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You’re going to give Jesse James a f***ing Uzi? You’re going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don’t know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh wait, I forgot to mention: as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey f*** and it’s a worthless pitiful pile of snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, wet steaming mound of buffalo butt dump! Mere descriptions can’t even describe the inane lack of common sense that even a child would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk! I can’t even come up with a description that’s foul and disgusting enough to even come CLOSE to this rancid abomination! Can’t describe it. I’m done – for real this time. [walks out. Runs back in, screaming] This game is diarrhea coming out of an old woman’s bleeding vagina! It’s f***ing terrible! What were they thinking? I know, they WEREN’T thinking.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m losing my faith in the NES library! Was there… any quality control here – you know, that, that, um, Seal of Quality – did that mean anything? Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB’s and Toys “R” Us? How many of these games are worthless? All the LJN ones, I can tell you that! But there are good games here, there are. Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Contra, Castlevania, Mega Man, but then, a big f***ing shitstorm hit it! A shitstorm of HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of sh*t! LJN!

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, what’s up, Doc?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s like deliberately keeping me in the game so I can’t stop.

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, what’s up f***-cock vagina f*** f***?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Just shut up!

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, ain’t I a f***ing stinker, motherf***er?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ain’t you a goddamn f***ing piece of sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Sometimes you’re supposed to break the blocks to get to where you’re supposed to go which is tedious as all hell…

[his character dies]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What a shitty-ass load of goddamn bullf***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Making a birthday themed game is one of the worst concepts imaginable, even with a big name like Bugs Bunny. He’s one of the greatest cartoon characters of all time, but his leap to the Nintendo Entertainment System was just a total f***ing sh*t bomb!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow, how awesome can this be? Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout. Well, it was a blowout alright. Blow out your ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout? How about Bugs Bunny’s Birthday BEATING?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[imitating Porky Pig] Th-th-that’s all, f***s.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Get out here. Come on, come on. You little Tweety f***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You want a Shoryuken!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
‘Bugs Bunny finally arrives at his party. He’s greeted by thunderous cheers and applaus from his loving friends. To Bugs’ surprise, he finds all his Looney Tunes pals there, who had just moments ago been playing some very funny tricks.’ [turns to Bugs] I’ll show YOU some funny tricks!

Bugs Bunny:
Eh what’s up, cock?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ll show you what’s up, you f***ing bunny piece of sh*t. Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout. How about Bugs Bunny’s Birthday BEATING?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So as you probably guessed, all the bosses are Looney Tunes characters, like Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester, Foghorn Leghorne, Elmer f***ing Fudd, and Pepe LeShit.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh my God, it’s Bugs Bunny!

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, what’s up, doc?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[runs over to him and hops up and down] Can’t believe it, in my own house. Bugs Bunny. Bugs… f***ing… Bunny! [sucker punches him]

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, what’s all the hubub, bub? [Nerd tackles him]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Here’s Sam beating the sh*t balls out of me.

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, play the game, Doc.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m not playing this sh*t!

Bugs Bunny:
Come on, Doc! Stick it in the Nintendo!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How about sticking it up your rabbit hole?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Aww, he went the other way! F***ing sh*t nugget!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s about as much fun as this game is. It’s like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don’t do it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is crazy! I’m not playing this!

Bugs Bunny:
But you wanna play it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No, I don’t wanna.

Bugs Bunny:
You do wanna.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t wanna.

Bugs Bunny:
You do wanna.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t wanna!

Bugs Bunny:
You do wanna.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t wanna!

Bugs Bunny:
You don’t wanna!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I do wanna!

Bugs Bunny:
You don’t wanna!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I do wanna!

Bugs Bunny:
You don’t wanna!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I do wanna!

Bugs Bunny:
You don’t wanna!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I do wanna!

Bugs Bunny:
You don’t wanna!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I do wanna! And you’re not gonna stop me!

The Guitar Guy:
F***ing Nintendo Dork! You broke my f***ing couch!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Come on! I thought you toons liked to get beat up.

Bugs Bunny:
We do, Doc. But you know what we don’t like? Getting sh*t on the f***ing face!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That was two years ago!

Bugs Bunny:
Well, now, it’s your turn, Doc!

[Bugs beats up the Nerd]

Bugs Bunny:
Geronimo! Motherf***ing Nerd!

[Bugs leaves droppings all over the Nerd]

Bugs Bunny:
Eh… ain’t I a stinker?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now I think I understand the relevance of the title. It’s f***ing crazy that there’s so many sequels!

The Guitar Guy:
Come on! Get him! He’s the one who broke the couch!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Actually, it was a futon.

The Guitar Guy:
I don’t care what it is! Get him! Boil his bunny balls!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Of course, the game has to remind us that the “C” stands for “Crazy” and not “Carrot” like we’re f***ing idiots. This is only the fourth game, right?

The Guitar Guy:
Great. Now, I guess I’ll have to get another couch *and* another guitar.

Bugs Bunny:
Let me pull this game out of my ass, Doc!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wondered where this sh*t comes from.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You like to play with bombs, eh? Well, bombs away, you Woody-Bunny-f***ing piece of sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***ing coyote c*nt, he’s got me against the wall.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Crazy Castle 4? How many of these f***ing games could there possibly be?

Bugs Bunny:
You better play it, Doc, before I ram my rabbit fist right up your motherf***in’ ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Crazy Castle 4] What am I supposed to say? It’s so hard to even imagine that this game exists, and I’m trying to review it. It’s like trying to review a pink porcupine with a monkey’s head up its butt eating a buffalo’s ball sac. Should I describe what it looks like and analyze it? Or should I be so f***ing shocked that the thing even exists?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, that’s it! I’m done with this game! I’d rather press my face against a Hippopotamus’ butt while it ‘muck-spreads’! That’s when a hippo takes a sh*t, rather than allowing the sh*t to drop from it’s anus, it presses it’s tail against it’s own ass-crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the sh*t all over the place! That’s how much fun this game is! Like putting a turd in a fan or a band-saw, you just don’t do it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
At first, I thought this game would be interesting, because you play as Zelda. You know, the one who’s in the title of every Zelda game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Link is only seen briefly in these shitty cut scenes. Way more corny then the TV series. But these cut scenes are only the icing on the sh*t cake.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The status screen is the only way you can pause the game. Sometimes, I forget or don’t realize I’m in front of a door, so I try to bring up the status screen, and I get up to take a piss only to realize I’m in another room getting my ass handed to me!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why does Zelda have to carry twenty f***ing ropes? Why can’t she use the same one?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why is everybody so twisted and scary?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even though the enemies in this game are so hard, the boss battles are ridiculously easy if you know which weapon to use, and when you beat them, you get these amusing cut scenes.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I can’t quit yet, because I’m up to Gannon. He looks like a joke. He makes the Gannon from the cartoon series look badass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Some might call it a mixed bag. But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag: it’s a trash bag that’s had a bad day. Let’s say, your mom cleans out the cat litter, fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. Then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. Then your brother comes home piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right in the bag. Now, I’m not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation and what it all comes down to is that is a NASTY bag. But I’d rather take that sh*t out to the garbage than have to deal with this piece of f***. F*** this game, get it out of my face!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Man, those fairies really like Link!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s time to start dropping some F Bombs!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m really up Sh*t Creek without a paddle, and that means I’m paddling through the sh*t with my hands.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Talking to people is such a strange deal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That doesn’t count? I still get the dramatic death scene, but I’m back outside the castle. F***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m here to rescue your royal ass! Get the f*** up!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Damn CD load time! Look at this! That’s when you grab your beer.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I fill the bottle, and then it mysteriously disappears from Zelda’s hands and reappears behind her to the left. What?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I got a flute, and I was told to use it against a snake. So, I use the flute, and what happens? It kills the snake, but not before freezing me making me momentarily helpless while the snake nearly kills me! Thanks!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd on a frying pan! Put some buffalo puke and cat piss all over it, and you have a sh*t sandwich that is Zelda CD-i!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[after playing “Zelda Adventure] I don’t believe this. Like, I seriously don’t believe this. [drinks beer] That’s it. That’s all I can take. How could they f*** up Zelda this bad? It’s not a Zelda game. I wouldn’t call it that. [mocks someone arguing against his statement] Oh, but it is. It has Zelda. It has Link. [goes back to his statement] Yeah, you know what? That’s a pointless argument right there. That’s like if your dad says, “I f***ed your mom.” It’s like, “I can’t argue with that.” Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd on a frying pan. [Piles CD-i games on his hand] Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a sh*t sandwich that is Zelda CD-i. [Proceeds to angrily throw games one by one] This game f***ing sucks! F***ing sucks! F***ing sucks! [grabs “Hotel Mario”] Oh, yeah. And the Mario game? That one sucks, too! [throws “Hotel Mario”] CD-i sucks!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These games are notorious for their legendary ass-suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad Zelda game, let alone three of them, and on a console that’s not Nintendo? Well, if you haven’t heard of them, you may think you’re living under a rock, but let me tell you… it’s a rock worth living under!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about “Hotel Mario”] The price on this one, I gotta be honest, was zero, because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey. You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tin foil.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
As the game begins, you get a ridiculous cut-scene.

Mario:
Nice of the Princess to invite us over for a picnic, eh Luigi?

Luigi:
I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Reminds me of “The Super Mario Brothers Super Show”, but *way* more cheesy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The game is not what you’d expect. I mean, with a title like “Hotel Mario”, I guess I really didn’t *know* what to expect, but not this!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
“The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night.” How about vanquish this horrible game?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[first line of the series] This game sucks.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
The ending sucks too.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is the reason Game Genie was invented. But I’m not doing that, because I’m gonna do this legit. Now where’s that extra life code?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
But how in the holy goddamn mother sh*t f***ing Christ of c*nt f*** am I supposed to attack the enemy when the f***ing floor is falling down?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If you’re on the stairs, your ass is f***ed.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s sucks monkey f*** like all the f***ing rest!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Whoa, watch the gonads!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Cheetahmen are fighting for a kid who got sucked into a TV? Whom we never refer to again?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s this? A crotch burglar? Yeah, it burgles your crotch.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, you gotta go right before you go up. I get it. Just because the screen didn’t move right away.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow. The f***-nuggets who made this game thought they were going to make action figures, and it was going to be the next best thing to Ninja Turtles?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If they made Cheetahmen versus Chester Cheetah, that game would be the motherf***ing ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f***? I went up off the screen, came out the bottom and died? You could say that I should deserve it for cheating, but come on! It’s not like I fall through the bottom, come out the ceiling and live.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I got a 1-up, and it skipped me to the next level? Ah, kick f***ing ass! Life is kinda cool sometimes.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s like the only way to beat this game is to cheat! Guess that’s why it’s called “Cheetahmen”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That music is so Genesis!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How many hits do I have? A half, and two, and a half?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t know if I should consider myself luck or unlucky, but here it is: the Unholy Grail of Gaming.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s a true story… Only thing is that the real story was a little less dramatic than that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Whoa! Speaking of monkey f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know what, game? All this sh*t you put me through the first two levels? Well now it’s my turn! Yeah! You wanna play dumbass? Well, double-dumbass on you, motherf***er! You swine! You son of a motherless goat!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You gotta jiggle back and forth just to get the screen oriented properly.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Next time there’s a tornado roaming through town, just shoot an arrow at it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is Limbo! This is Purgatory! The only thing I can do now is reset the f***ing game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Tell me, if you’re programming a video game, and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, rolling trashcans, open manholes… Of all the things you can possibly put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They must have been really hard-pressed to try to come up with 52 games. This one, called “Appleseed”, is just a farmer catching apples. [in southern drawl] Well, sh*t, motherf***ers, damn apples come out of trees so fast! Motherf***ers!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, look! Segaville, next exit… again, and again, and again. For a non-existant exit, it sure has a lot of signs!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The first game? Like it’s the first video game ever made? That’s debatable.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The tank game is called “Norman’. Is Norman the name of the guy in the tank?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why can’t the cheetah fall down the hole instead of exploding in to four glowing orbs?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Have you ever seen a boxing game where somebody jumped? Let alone 10 to 20 feet in the air?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as you can possibly go before it f***s out!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I can’t believe it! This is even more unplayable than the NES version! If they had found out, they’d come back down to earth and unf*** themselves!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Final Fantasy series is a fine example. Not being a fan, I’m gonna try to explain it to the best of my knowledge. From what I understand, Final Fantasy II at the time of its Japanese release, was not released in the U.S. Neither was Final Fantasy III. But Final Fantasy IV came out here and because we didn’t have II or III, it wouldn’t have made sense to call it IV, so what do they do? They call it II. Now, Final Fantasy V wasn’t released her either. So when VI came out, they called it III. Final Fantasy III also happens to be one of my all-time favorite games on the Super Nintendo. I remember that after that, Squaresoft started releasing the next Final Fantasy games on PlayStation. Things changed. There was no more f***ing around with the titles anymore. When Final Fantasy VII came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII, and that’s where the confusion began. I wondered what the f*** happened to IV, V and VI, but what I should have been wondering, little did I know, is what the f*** happened to II, III and V? Once I figured that out, I was like, ‘there are other Final Fantasy games we didn’t know about? I was playing VI all along and not III? What a bunch of f***ing bullf***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Let me take you back to when Campcom’s Street Fighter II came out. I never heard of the first one, but hey, this is a pretty awesome game. Can’t wait for Street Fighter III. Then comes Street Fighter II; The Champion Edition. Oh, cool. Street Fighter III’s next, right? Nope, Street Fighter II Turbo. Okay, awsome. Can’t wait for Street Fighter III. Super Street Fighter II. Uh, cool. Street Fighter III? Super Street Fighter II Turbo. What the f***? At first I thought all these updates were nice to hold you over, but how many times can you update the same f***ing game? It’s getting ridiculous. I’m not gonna buy it again. Well, then, finally comes, Street Fighter Alpha, then then Street Fighter Alpha 2. And after that, I honestly lost track. There eventually was a Street Fighter III, like 9 million versions of it. But there was also Street Fighter Zero, Street Fighter EX, EX 2 and EX Plus. Not to mention, way back on the NES, there was Street Fighter 2010. I couldn’t tell you where that fits in.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
One of the things that really brings my piss to a boil is when there’s a movie that has a whole bunch of sequels, all conviently numbered, but then they suddenly decide to stop numbering them. Take Halloween for example. Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween III, Halloween 4, Halloween 5, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween H20, and Halloween Resurrection, oh God. If they continue like this, years from now, future generations aren’t gonna know in what order these films came in, unless they do a little research first. But what I wanna know is why was it okay to number the first five, but not after that? Like they were embarrassed they made so many. Not to mention, each one just sucks harder and harder.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Whatever happened to The Naked Gun movies? First off, why is the sequel called The Naked Gun 2 1/2? What’s half about it? I always assumed they incorporated half the script from the third movie into it and therefore includes half of the next movie. I guess that makes sense, except for the fact I never saw Naked Gun 3. Or 4, or 5 or any of them up until Naked Gun 33 1/3. How the f*** did I miss that many sequels? I couldn’t even find them anywhere. They aren’t even listed in Leslie Nielsen’s filmography, so I guess he wasn’t in those. Somebody help me. I can’t find them anywhere. Where’s the other half of Naked Gun 3? And all the others up until 32? I can’t f***ing find them. Where are they? I think it’s pretty impressive if they’re all numbered and that’s gotta be a record for the amount of sequels to a comedy, but damn, that one just blows my mind. Wow, I gotta calm down now. That’s enough of my gripes. Thanks for listening to my rants, and good f***ing night… by the way, I’m just f***in’ around.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I always praised the Rocky movies. What a perfect string of sequel titles: Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, and Rocky V. No subtitles, all Roman numbers, consistent, perfect. But now they’re gonna f*** it all up by calling the new one Rocky Balboa. Seriously? Are you kidding? Rocky Balboa? Why can’t it be Rocky VI? Rocky Balboa sounds like it’s the first one by just adding his last name. What if they made another one? Would they include his middle initial and then his date of birth? What a shitload of f***. What kind of stupid excuse is this? Revealing more of the character’s name. It’s like making a prequel to Forrest Gump and just calling it Forrest. Now with talk of Rambo 4 coming out, what are they gonna do, call it John Rambo?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Alien series is also pretty f***ed up. They start with Alien, then Aliens, which makes sense. First there was one alien, now there’s many. The title is consistent with the plot and it works. But then, uh oh, they make a third one. Oh gee, what are we gonna call it? Can’t be Alienses. That won’t work, and besides, there’s only one alien again. So let’s just call it Alien 3. That works. There’s really not much else they could’ve called it. But now you’d think it’s time to start numbering the sequels from now on. You think? Or would that just be too traditional? Well, the next one is called Alien Resurrection. At first I thought it was a f***ing joke, apart from Resurrection being one of the most overused words to be found in a sequel, there’s no reason not to use the number four. I mean, you numbered the last movie. Why can’t you number this one? So what do you wanna do, do you wanna number’em, or use cliche words? I don’t care which, but make up your f***in’ minds. You don’t start numbering sequels and then go back to not numbering them. And there’s more than one alien again, so why isn’t the title plural like in Aliens? What were they thinking?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now there’s 10 of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered, but when they stopped using the original cast from the show, and started using the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers of the films and called them Star Trek: Generations, Star Trek: First Contact, Star Trek: Insurrection, and Star Trek: Nemesis. Okay, that’s fine, but where’d the f***in’ numbers go? If they couldn’t call Star Trek: Generations Star Trek VII, then why didn’t they just call it Star Trek: The Next Generation off the show, and then call the next one Star Trek: The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels? But hey, some of the original cast was in Star Trek: Generations, so instead, they should call it Star Trek VII/The Next Generation Part I.

Spock:
Most illogical.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Actually, never mind. Just f*** it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Mega Man 64. Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64’s stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every f***ing title.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Speakin’ of Rambo, that’s a series that somehow changed its title. The first one was called First Blood. That’s it, First Blood. The second one was called Rambo: First Blood Part II. And then the third one was called Rambo III. What, they just forgot about First Blood?

Rambo:
F***’em!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The correct title would be Rambo II: First Blood Part III.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Mega Man is another series where the numbering become confusing. There’s Mega Man I-VI on Nintendo, but then on the Super Nintendo, there’s Mega Man X, which at the time I thought it meant Mega Man 10. But then came Mega Man X2 and X3. Strangely enough, there was a Mega Man 7 on Super Nintendo after all. That’s right, two different series going on at the same time. Then on the PlayStation consoles, there was Mega Man X4, X5, X6, X7 and X8. There was even a Mega Man 8. A regular Mega Man 8 on PlayStation. Now if only they made a Mega Man 9, it would come full circle. Doesn’t end there either. What’s this? Mega Man Battle Network series? Mega Man 64? Did they really make it that far? No, it was just the Nintendo 64’s stupid gimmick putting the number 64 at the end of every f***in’ title.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Because it sucks diarrhea sh*t from an a**hole fountain.

James Rolfe:
To this day, whenever somebody asks me if I beat Contra, I say “I beat Contra before breakfast”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This broke the sh*t scale, this is a whole new higher level. First there’s poop, then there’s sh*t, and then there’s… DEFECATION!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who found this gem and put it on a Sega Genesis cartridge with a case? The sh*t diggers. They dig for sh*t. It’s like finding somebody’s garbage and then packaging it up for the world to see.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
CrazyBus man, don’t forget it. Say it: One word, not crazy bus. It’s CrazyBus, and it’s f***ing crazy! WHOA! We’re driving a bus here! It’s f***ing crazy! Oh my God I can’t take it, it’s so f***ing crazy! CrazyBus! CrazyBus! Crazybus! WHOA! [laughing while honking the horn] The driver fell asleep on the wheel.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Do you find any Venezuelan buses in Super Mario World? No. So you can’t argue, this is the definitive Venezuelan bus game. I mean, come on, right? You get these great photos of the buses and you get to look at the photos and drive the bus at the same time. You can even go backwards, you can honk the horn. What more could you want? When the digits are the same color as the background, that gives you an added challenge of trying to read the timer.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, that’s neat. Graffiti on the walls. “Gamers rule” and *what?* “Saddam was here”? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin’ goin’ around writing on castle walls? And “Gamers rule”? That’s the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Anything you do, you’re f***ed! Try this, you’re f***ed; try that, you’re f***ed; you’re f***ed; you’re f***ed; you’re f***ed; you’re f***ed; you’re f***ed; you’re f***ed; you’re f***ed!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, let’s flick that sh*t switch and crank up that diarrhea dial, I got Dark Castle on C… D… I!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, a platform dropped. You mean because I stood there for too long? You mean you can’t stand still for more than two seconds?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Easy? It’s on easy? That’s their idea of f***ing easy? Are they out of their f***ing minds?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This one says “BK”. What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I keep dying on the first screen! I can’t even move an inch before I get bombarded with the Space Invaders ensemble of bats!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You press down to duck, but to stay ducking, you have to press up and B! Yep, pressing up to duck is pretty f***ed up, but other than that, I just can’t describe how this control feels! It is so awkward and stiff that I honestly thought something was wrong with my controller! That is inexcusable when the challenge of the game is not in the game itself, but in handicapping the player! You’d have better luck playing Silver Surfer with the Power Glove!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The control… Oh… My… God! It’s even worse! You cannot control this game! You have more control over the weather than you do over the guy in this f***ing game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This dizzy problem should only be reserved for fighting games like Street Fighter, but even there, I think it’s annoying. It gives the other player a free shot. But at least it makes sense as you’re getting hit in the head. This guy, it doesn’t even matter! He gets touched on the foot, he gets dizzy!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The way you throw them defies all common sense when it comes to gaming!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why are there so many crappy games on the NES? I mean, they had a lot of great classic games as well, but it’s precious library was being used by all these half-assed game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game has sucked it’s fair share of ass, but now it’s going for more!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. Isn’t that the f***est thing you’ve ever heard? Didn’t anybody test this sh*t out?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And if that’s not enough, the game also has the nerve to obliterate your ears with obnoxious sound effects! It’s as if the game is litterally making fun of you!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Genesis version was bad, but this one f***s you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing sh*t with turds! It’s the most haneously anus thing consumed by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the torture of the damned!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I got it, Mad Max. It was made by Mindscape, proving that not every NES movie based game was made by LJN. See, LJN was like a cat and the NES library was it’s litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty, the cat shits somewhere else. Now I’m on track. Well, you drive around, you run around shooting people, you drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I wish it were LJN because they would’ve given me more to talk about.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I remember the show, but I’m not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I’ve played some of the most horrible games that are humanly possible to make: Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties, Big Rigs, Hong Kong 97. I think I’ve set the bar too high, or too low, depending on which way you look at it. So now, let’s go into some more sensible territory, let’s get serious. Or should I say, “Let’s get dangerous”?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s the whole game ahead of me. F*** the D; the D can suck my dick!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, at least you can duck. You are a duck. I don’t know what kind of f***ed up duck can’t f***in’ duck.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh I see, you bounce on the skateboarding penguin’s heads. How can I be so casual when I say skateboarding penguins?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh no! It’s time to play another shitty game for the 98th time!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh no! It’s made by Hal! Don’t trust anything with the name, Hal! Actually, it’s made by the same company that made Kirby and developed Super Smash Bros. So maybe it’ll be good. [the game says “awesome” in a cheesy voice] Oh no! I just jinxed the whole thing!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So he’s gotta get the pencil back? Man, that’s some epic storyline right there!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why does he care so much about a f***ing pencil? Is he gonna take it home after school and shove it up his ass or something?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So he tells the teacher that he was lost in a forest, like the f***ing teacher’s gonna believe him.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So the teacher says it’s time for art class, and she tells you to draw. Draw! Draw like it’s a chore! What? He goes to sleep again? He falls asleep again? That’s the one time in school I wouldn’t fall asleep! I mean, during my days in class, I would be drawing on the pages of my math book and sh*t. That’s the whole point! You draw when you’re bored of school! He should have fallen asleep during math class or something boring! Did the game programmers not really know the difference between something the kids like and something they don’t like?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s vultures shitting bloddy explosive diarhea. Oh, gross!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can’t walk behind the store? That makes no sense.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, sorry. I was just daydreaming about playing a better f***ing game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why would a kid be buying guns and going after a criminal? Well, it’s his fantasy, whatever. It’s not that common in games nowadays. Imagine playing Call of Duty where you’re a 7-year-old.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The game tricked me into thinking a circular object was something I needed. Come on! Why not have a sign that says, “Not the Shield”?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I guess it’s a shield. It looks more like a bullseye or Daisy Duck’s nipple or something.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is the guy you’re supposed to touch. If you kill him, the shield dies with him. Makes a lot of sense.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Don’t you love games with totally spiratic difficulty?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he want to measure his turds? Then the teacher says, “What are you doing? You’re going to see the principal for this!” Um… for what? For measuring his turds in class?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is he on medication or something? Why can’t he stay awake?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, now I’m in Hell. Literally! I’m in Hell!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[after taking out the robber with the dynamite] Well, that worked, but it’s a little excessive, like blowing up a bank with an atom bomb.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s this? A hooker? She asks if I need some help? Really! There is a Nintendo game where a hooker asks to sell herself to a kid! Now this whole thing is worth it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What? I’m at the beginning of the stage? That’s not what I chose, you lying sack of sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Then you finish her and pick up her head. You know what would be really funny here? If Davey woke up and had the Teacher’s decapitated head in his hands! Yeah!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Classic video game logic! If you didn’t actually see the spear hit, then it didn’t happen!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I had to take a leap of faith earlier, but now the Holy Grail? If only there was a big fight on top of an army tank.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now Davey’s actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does that make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Kreuger came out and clawed his f***ing face off!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The assholians bow down to this game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s like saying, “buddy, if you play this game, you’re gonna get f***ed up the a**hole with a porcupine! Good f***ing luck, douchebag!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’d rather suck the dried sh*t out of Chewbacca’s ass fur.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that’s currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant, and according to an urban dictionary, ludder means cheap-ass hoe. So therefore, we’re already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we’re doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The last time I saw towers this deadly is when they decided the horses needed more fiber in their diets.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game is so f***ing hard, it’s easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing “Old MacDonald”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Stay away from this horrible piece of sh*t-encrusted f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game isn’t just your average turd. It’s the kind of putrid, rancid, disgusting turd that sits in a truck stop bathroom for 20 years until even the flies won’t get near it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is so bad, Satan wouldn’t even accept it if you offered it with your soul.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F*** this game. No, better yet, don’t f*** this game. Don’t let your friends f*** it. It’s un-f***worthy!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Dieses Spiel ist Schei?e. Dieses Spiel fickt dich h?rter als das Leben.

[Translates to:
“This game is sh*t. This game f***s you harder than life.”]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game’s a chicken lickin’, finger f***in’ son of a b*tch!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
In other words, this game sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’d rather suck farts out of a dog’s ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game is ball cider.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This must be why the attacks are so slow, our hero must pass the sword out of his cock.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s games like this that make me regret ever having picked up an NES controller.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is the most sadistic thing ever! There’s no fun factor whatsoever, this makes Big Rigs look like a f***ing party. Big Rigs isn’t even a game, it has no challenge whatsoever, but here, the challenge comes from trying to stay awake from boredom. For the past 10 years, I’ve been on a mission to warn the world of shitty games, and in all those years, this one takes the cake. I think I’ve finally hit the bottom of the barrel! The fact that a game like this could come into existence and that people have played it and suffered through it and even adapted it into an Atari 2600 game means that I failed. I’ve done everything I can. It’s time to retire.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve had so many adventures within these four walls. I need to take the adventure outside! I need to go do something bigger! Something to top everything that I’ve already done, but how do I do that?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve heard that every once in a while, a bug will splat on your windshield. I’d be happy just to see that. I’m suffering from so much sensory deprivation that anything to break up the monotony would be amazing. If a bug came and splat on this windshield, that would blow my f***ing mind, but I’ll never have the patience to get that far, I’ll never get a single point.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is the game: You drive, drive, and drive. There is nothing out there except road and sand. Occasionally, there’s a rock or a sign, but that’s it. There’s no passengers to interact with, no music on the radio, nothing to keep you occupied, the road never turns, there’s no other vehicles, there is absolutely nothing. You can open the door with the B button, basically it makes a sound effect. That’s a little something you can do to entertain yourself.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s no pause. You just have to keep driving. I wonder how many people have pissed their pants while playing this. You can’t even stop to get something to eat. The manual, and yes there is a manual, says “No, it’s not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?” [the Nerd begins to sarcastically laugh and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it away] I’m driving.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What? What? What the f***? It’s stuck, the bus is stuck in the sand. They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. They thought of everything, goddamn you, Penn & Teller. You have to sit here and drive the bus, just like in real life and real life f***ing sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve wanted to see that clue ever since I first played this. I’ve complained about it. Did uh… Did my… my complaints ring a bell? Did… Did uh… Was… wuh… Has the word of the Nerd been heard? Have I contributed to how we look back at bad games? I’ve done it! It’s not in vain! There is no retirement, the show must go on! I must continue reviewing shitty games because that’s what the world needs, but where do I go from here?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The bus can’t go any faster than forty-five miles per hour. I don’t know why. Maybe Dennis Hopper has a bomb on it or something.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Penn and Teller make it clear right before the game starts that the whole point was to make a game that’s just like real life.

Penn Jillette:
There are simulators. Games stupefyingly like reality.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve read in various interviews with Penn that this was in response to all the controversies at the time about all the hyper-violent video games. So, instead of something imaginary and fun, here’s the real-life mundane task of driving a f***in’ bus for eight hours!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Stupid banana raincoat wearing dick.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name “Dick Tracy” and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy d*cks. Well, if this game is dick, then we were the balls.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I guess I’m just a sucker for Dick Tracy. Sucker for dick? That didn’t sound right.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I didn’t say ‘horseshit’ I said ‘whore sh*t’, like a whore taking a sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
When this movie came out, I never said dick so much in my life. Every kid on the block was running around going “Dick Tracy, Dick Tracy, dick this and dick that”. My dad said ‘can’t you just call him Richard Tracy?’

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Everybody went from “who’s Dick Tracy” to “Whoa! Dick Tracy’s the sh*t!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s wrong with Dickard? Looks like he’s got a bad sun tan.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Dick Van Dyke’s in the movie. You think that’s enough d*cks?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wanted to give it a chance because I kinda liked the idea of finding clues and figuring out where to go like it made you think like a detective… but one guy? No continues? Like, seriously! Give me a reason why there’s no continues!

[screaming]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why are there no continues? WHY ARE THERE NO F***ING CONTINUES? WHY?

[drinks Rolling Rock, screams into his pillow, and then goes berserk]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Remember when you were a little kid, it was f***in’ Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store, and this was it. This was your whole weekend. This one game. You didn’t have anything else to do, so you had no choice but to keep playing that first part of the game over and over and over again! And it’s like, you know what? I want to see the rest of the game! You can’t just let the game f***ing win like that! So that’s why you don’t give up!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why wouldn’t a detective bring the notepad with him? Dumb Dick!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Bam! There he goes down the steps! Still going… what the hell? Were they trying to be serious with this sh*t?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, I got a rock in my trick or treat bag… just like Charlie Brown.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How is Dick short for Richard? It’s like Bill and William, or Jim and James. Well, at least Bill and Will rhyme and Jim and James both start with a J… but Richard and Dick? Nobody ever says Dickard.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[the nerd is trying to reach a clue that is seemingly unreachable] You mother… f***. F***! F***! FUUUCK! Could they have put this clue in a more unreachable spot?

[suddenly Dick jumps and grabs the clue]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What? I got it? I’ve been jumping at it for five minutes and now all of a sudden I got it? What did I do different?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
But once you leave that screen, you better remember 9th & F, because you’re not going to be told again, and Dickard doesn’t write it in the notepad. What kind of detective is that?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Anyway, I’m gonna tell you all about the NES game, and boy, is it an experience. Now, I’m just gonna give you my impression of it, and I’m not really gonna go all out and, like, dress up like Dickard or anything like that. I already did that for Halloween when I was ten.

Young James:
[flashback] I got a rock.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, I got a rock. Just like Charlie Brown. That sums the whole thing up. I was laughing back then, but I’m not f***ing laughing now.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
But even going into this place with full health, it’s hard to survive to the end. It’s hard as dick.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I was so obsessed with Dickard that when the game came out, I was like, “oh boy, I gotta play that. Dick Tracy on Nintendo, that’s gotta be a treat. There’s no way I could let that pass.” But it was a big disappointment, like a rock landing in my trick or treat bag.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[John McClane refuses to jump off roof] Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say “No, I’m not gonna do that”? Going back to Mario again, what if Mario just said “You know, I’m really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks”? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won’t climb down with a rope, but he’ll jump out a window and f***ing kill himself?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s guys around every corner, there’s guys coming out of the elevator, there’s guys comin’ outta your ass! It’s crazy!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yippie-ki-yay, motherf***er!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You start off the 2-player mode seeing both dragons: Billy and Jimmy Lee. Wait… *Bimmy* and Jimmy? How’d they make a mistake like this? Bimmy isn’t even a real name! How’d this happen? They didn’t even proofread this shitty game before they released it? *Bimmy* and Jimmy? I’m sorry, I just can’t get over that. Bimmy and Jimmy. There’s a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a f***ing Double Dragon game, and it’s only the first screen.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
What a f***ing piece of goddamn sh*t. F***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Sh*t the f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wipe my ass on this game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is a video game controller, not a phone!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The cartridges just barely fit into the system. It’s like trying to stick your dick in a cheerio.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Next, uh… let’s try Mission X. More like Mission Ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Did I just call that white box a bomb? See? That’s using your imagination!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Thin Ice. You’re a penguin skating around collecting torches, or they could be McDonald French fries. Who knows?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What are those? Jacks? Can I pick them up? I guess not.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Space Spartains? What the hell is a Space Spartain? Is that a Spartain in space? Was Marvin the Martian a Space Spartain?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Microsurgeon. The picture reminds me of Slim Goodbody. I can’t believe I’m making that kind of reference. You’re basically controlling a barely visible dot exploring the human body. You basically travel through the blood stream, and I doubt this game’s medically accurate. You see all the guts, making this the goriest game ever, and it only goes so far; I guess the piss and sh*t zone didn’t cut it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Space Hawk. Man, everything begins with Space!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[imitating the voice module] Beeeeeeeee-Seventeeen Bawmber!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You were seen putting your shoes on before your pants? Okay, well, who the hell was watching me get dressed? If I want to put my shoes on first, that’s my own goddamn business!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, man, that pilot’s drunk as sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Man, all this violence going on, but the sun is just smiling away.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How can you go wrong with a game about the Smurfs? All you do is just keep going right. Nobody’s trying to kill you. Everything’s fine and dandy. What a nice game. This is the happiest game ever made.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
War Games. I’m assuming it’s based off the movie since they both came out in 1983. You’re stopping missiles from blowing up the whole world. It’s kinda serious, but there’s another one called War Room, which is a similar game, except this one has some comedic relief… because it has giant mutant chickens!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wonder if the Adams Family had an Adam computer.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I know we mainly talked about the shitty aspects, but let me tell you… That’s the name of the game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s right, I’m playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would *never* happen today. That’s like if Sony said ‘okay, we’re going to come out with a new expansion module for the PlayStation 3. You’re gonna be able to play Xbox games on it.’ There would be law suits up the ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now the fourth connection module connects the system to a dishwasher. And the fifth one connects it to your ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness of negative Earth? A towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers? Or, a giant monolith of death, hell-bent on the annihalation of humankind, time, and all matter? No, it’s the AC adapter for a ColecoVision!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[struggles to pick the enourmous AC adapter up] What the f*** were they thinking?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Robin Hood. I guess you’re Robin Hood and you shoot the f*** out of people with your arrows.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[Talking about the Colecovision’s massive AC adapter] Is this necessary? Look, I can’t fit this godforsaken piece of sh*t in the electrical outlet, unless there’s nothing next to it! Whatta f***in’ hog. That’s what it is; a self-indulgant glutton of a power hog!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What happened? I killed a bee? I killed something! The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it’s a little, tiny, stupid, *f***ing bee*!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Did you know that this game was created by Toho, the company that made the Godzilla films? No wonder Godzilla’s been pissed off lately!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I guess the Japanese version is better? Kinda like eating a skunk is like eating a skunk with a little salt on it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Geez, wouldn’t this be a good reason to call off the wedding? I mean, he has had quite a day. Wonder how the bride’s been doing? She’s probably worried about, I dunno, her dress or the color of the f***ing flowers or some sh*t. Next thing, the groom shows up covered in bomb ashes and bird sh*t. “Sorry, honey, I’m late! I had quite a day. The whole, all living creatures in the whole f***ing town tried to kill me, that’s all!” What makes him think the church is going to be any better? Is the priest gonna throw candles at him? Is Jesus going to climb off the cross and start hitting him with it?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called “Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde”. I made it clear, “Do not play this game!” But from what I understand, people have played it. They didn’t listen, but it wasn’t their fault. I only showed about 1 minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn’t do any good.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I called it a piece of sh*t, but I was only honoring it. I could have taken a sh*t on it, but my own sh*t would have been offended to be laying on this loathesome piece of filth! Just the thought of covering it in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ah, help! I can’t walk backward! I’m getting scrolled!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Robert Louis Stevenson! You’ve ruined my life!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You don’t walk slow, you walk normally, but everyone comes flying at you with all this killer sh*t! What did Dr. Jeckyl do to cause all this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Birds sh*t little white splatter pellets, not big brown coiled-up poop mounds.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These people don’t want to talk to you, oh no. They want you dead. Why they want you dead, I have no explanation.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I know, I’m just delaying the inevitable.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why can’t the bomb kill anyone else? Is the rest of the town immune to bombs? Even the spiders don’t die from it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right, that is a horrible concoction!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Is that statue taking a piss? It’s taking a piss! And now the bird’s taking a sh*t into the fountain. How appropriate. Look at this picture! This picture sums up the whole game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I think I get it. Why, it’s the best game ever made! It’s more than a game! It exposes the duel nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jeckyl, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot sh*t. You see, it’s a constant battle against good and evil! Jeckyl must stay farther along his path than Hyde, so if Hyde takes the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that’s the true conflict of the human soul! And to deny the evil completely would be to move it into the subconcious to the human mind like a city broken into different social classes. People don’t want to step outside their own boundaries, like Jeckyl walking into the wrong section of town. He’s unwelcomed! Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature. No wonder the cane doesn’t work! The game does not reward you among your malevolent intentions! It’s a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed through real life! It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward stability and inward lust! It’s a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation! It alludes the froid theory of depression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the unconscious!… Or you could just say, the game f***ing sucks!

Skeleton:
[flips AVGN the bird] F*** you. I am THE DEVIL! [cackles] Now go play Dr. Jekyll and MR. HYDE! Ha ha ha ha!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What did the good doctor do to make everybody so upset? I can see the townspeople sittin’ at the local pub, talkin’ about him all day. “Yeah, ya see Jekyll, ya see him? Ya see him walkin’, he just keeps f***in’ walking! I don’t like him. Think he’s an a**hole. He wears his underwear backwards. He has eyeballs for testicles!”

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
“Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest” might be a pretty bad game, but it is God compared to “Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde”.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
This game is f***ing horrible! It’s f***ing horrible!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Don’t even buy it for a penny. That little copper coin might be worth a fortune someday if not spent on this awful piece of sh*t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
This game is so horrible, and I am not joking. I am dead f***ing serious. Dead… f***ing… serious!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Then for no reason you just die. Lightning will strike, like spontaneously, and then you’re dead, and then the game’s over. What the f*** is that sh*t?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You’d rather super glue your a**hole shut. You’d rather drown in gasoline.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You’ll be wishing for the rest of your life that you could invent a time machine so you could go back to the day you played that game and just f***ing kill yourself.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
If you ever see this game, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it until every tiny fragment is so small, it’s like invisible.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You think I’m joking, like I’m trying to be funny or something. But no, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Bats are the most annoying enemy in every game! Why does every game have to have so many f***ing bats? I f***ing hate bats!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s up with Dracula? He’s got a big head, and his face, he’s like, “Duh!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Go North. [game responds] “Okay, what now?” Go East? [game responds] “Okay, what now?” Uh… go East… again? [game responds] “Use only two words.” Okay, I’ll give you two words! F*** you! [game responds] “Don’t know how to f*** something.”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[reading credits of Bram Stoker’s Dracula] Wait, who’s this? Fred Fuch… Fred Fuchs? Fred… FUCHS? Fred Fuchs. Oh my God! Fred Fuchs? Oh my God. Fred Fuchs.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The music is just a scrambled mess of 8-bit chaos!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Your sword is a joke. It’s about as effective as a butter knife.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about “The Count’s Countdown”] Why am I playing this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about to play “Dracula: Crazy Vampire”] What kind of title is that? I know Dracula’s a vampire, and he’s crazy, sure. [title music starts] Sounds like Phantom of the Opera… which sounds like Pink Floyd!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even though it pisses me off, I can’t complain because the game was never released. It’s like someone took a sh*t and buried it and then someone else dug it up. What did you expect?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s that all about? He thinks of a weapon? Can you read minds?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I actually did manage to make it ton Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he does in the movie.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Well, my man, I say you’ve got some grave problems!” Who would call Dracula “my man”?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay? So I ate the pillow? I wasn’t expecting that!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Let’s try “climb”. [game responds] “Can’t do that… yet!” Oh, so you’re teasing me!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The graphics are non-existent, because it’s a text game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look at that cartridge. That’s what you call a game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ah, F! I mean, f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Another night. Shitty games! That’s all I do is play shitty, and I have so f***ing many that I’ll probably be playing until the dawn! It’s a sacrifice to the soul, and it’s sucking me dry, and how appropriate, because tonight, it’s Dracula.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you! That’s what I call a power-up, and that’s what I call a promotion! Rebok Pumps: You ain’t sh*t without it! Pump it up and air it out!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Man, f*** this game, man! Man, Jesus Christ. I’d rather f***ing 69 a grizzly bear while shoving King Kong up my ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F*** this game, f*** it to hell, f*** it to oblivian, f*** it to damn nation of mankind!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game is all about trial and error. The only way to get good at it is to memorize everything that happens. Now, once again, I’d like to stress… What’s the point of having an energy bar when everything kills you with one hit? One f***ing hit!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
To quote Full Metal Jacket: “It’s all one big sh*t sandwich, and we all gotta take a bite.”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s with this backwards-ass bull sh*t?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The control is so stiff you’ll wonder if your f***ing controller is broken, though I heard that the Pal version is much smoother. I may have saved myself a few hundred emails by mentioning that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game is like a cruel joke you play on your friends. It’s like, “Here, you want to play a game? Here you go, you f***ers!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The decisions to this game are similar to if… say you’re standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck, then somebody comes in with a bucket full of sh*t to dump on your head. Do you dive down under the piss, or do you just stay up and take on the sh*t?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why does the door stay open the whole time, but once you’re in range, it comes down? What a tease! How the hell does the f***ing thing kill you, anyway? I don’t care if it’s a door or a medival gate or whatever the hell it is, but it’s certainly not an electrical fence or something like that, so why is it like deadly to the touch? The rules in this game make no sense! What were they thinking?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Son of a ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Did I just die from walking into the f***ing door? Yes, everything kills you in this game. Literally.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Did I just die by walking into the f***ing DOOR?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Do you stand or do you duck? Either way, you’re f***ed.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve heard that the PAL version is much smoother. I probably saved myself a few hundred e-mails by mentioning that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, he’s Scrooge McDuck, I guess he can do whatever the f*** he wants.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I mean, I wish I could call it a shitload of f***, but it’s actually a pretty damn good game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
E.T. on Atari 2600. To begin with, its not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it’s no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game… IT STILL F***ING SUCKS!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
All these zones, and the phone pieces, everything, they’re always hidden in a different spot every time you start the game. Some have spoken out in defense of this game, saying that it’s different every time you play it. Kinda like how every time I take a sh*t, it’s always different.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***! How come they can pass over a hole and you can’t? Yeah, yeah, go ahead, pass over the hole again, yeah f*** you. I’m gonna pass over your mom’s hole. Even if you find the pieces, it’s worth jack and sh*t, and Jack left town.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a way to catch yourself before you fall down, but you’ll never be expecting it when you fall. Oh, look! Sh*t! The human brain can’t react that fast. I don’t know who can pull off that trick? Maybe ninjas that take speed and sit around play Atari all day.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So, is it really the worst game of all time? Umm… I don’t think so. It’s frustrating, it’s challenging, and it’s a brainteaser, but that’s what makes it so addicting and considering it was made in such a short period of time, it’s more sophisticated than anything of its’ era. Raiders of the Lost Ark was just as strange and cryptic and that game was met with glowing praise. Both of these games came with instruction manuals. Now I can understand kids just wanting to pick up a game and enjoy it without having to read anything, but if you could understand Raiders, you could understand E.T. So what was it that gave this game such a reputation? I can’t answer that. It’s just something that happened, it’s something we needed. Is there something mystical about the game? [the Nerd nods] There is. It’s a floor plan to Area 51 as well as an access key and every cartridge contained a piece of the alien ship. Sure, but, forget about all of that. The mystical thing about all these old craptastic games is that they somehow hold a place in our hearts and bring us back to that special time when we were kids, and that’s the power of the classics and the not-so classics that we love to hate.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Were you expecting maybe… the Ninja Turtles?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me! I have to use another key? Does the door eat the key?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Continue my ass! I’m back at the beginning of the game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game better stop sucking ass or I’m gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s totally unfair to get a game over and have to start the whole game all over again! Remember in high school? If you failed senior year, you just started senior year all over again; you don’t go all the way back to freshman year!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s time to bust out the Game Genie. But check out these codes! “Almost infinite energy”, “Invincibility after first death… may cause the game to freeze”, “Start with no continues”, “Cannot collect extra energy”, and “One touch is fatal”! What kind of codes are these? Some sick f*** thought the game wasn’t hard enough? Was it somebody who wanted to be suffered some more? Okay, I got a code for ya! How about a code that just starts you off dead!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The monster’s name is Frankenstein. I guess the designers of this game have never read the book or saw any of the movies.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The monster’s wearing shades! Frankenstein is cool!

Franken-Nerd:
Game, bad!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, it’s frustrating, isn’t it?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Big mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you make a monster, you’d better know how to shut it off. However, I cannot shut off the game, because the monster is in my soul.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[Jason Voorhees is holding a knife to him] Don’t kill me.

[Jason hold’s up a copy of “Friday the 13th” for Nintendo]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Kill me.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You’re easier to beat in real life than you are in that f***ing game, you no good, piece of…

[blows Jason’s head off]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
I’d rather play Doom on Atari. I’d rather play Halo on a Tiger electronic wrist game. I’d rather drown in diarrhea. I’d rather f***ing eat my f***ing balls off and puke’ em up my f***ing ass. I’d rather piss a cactus out of my dick. The music is f***ing worse than life itself, and I’d turn the volume down, except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason alarm. It’s all just a test of patience and it can kiss my f***ing a**hole!

[Whacks Jason with controller]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Die! You piece of sh*t!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Well…Friday the 13th on Nintendo. What can you say? The knife going in the eye at the beginning right away should be an indication of how… cool it is. This game is infamous for being… great, right? Everybody loves this game, ’cause it’s awesome! I mean the concept is just brilliant! Adapting a series of R-rated slasher movies for all the kiddies to play? Great idea.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Oh f***! Look at the map! I’ve just been walking in the wrong f***ing direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that is why this game is so great, because it’s free from all logic! Logic is for pussies!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Wasn’t this a great idea? Isn’t this fun? Going 3D for the cabin parts! I love how smooth the camera angles are! The overall design, the AstroTurf floors… Just genius! The control’s so fluid, you might have to tap the D pad twice to get it to move. Isn’t this fun? I just love trying to find the door, ”cause there’s nothing in here, and now I just want to get the f*** out. Just want to get the f*** out. [whispers] Get the f*** out.

[looks left and right and behind the couch]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[whispers] …Because it sucks!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Even Jason’s mom makes an appearance, and you know who she reminds me of? Those annoying f***ing Medusas from Simon’s Quest. Oh wait, I’m talking about Castlevania III. What, I hate that game too?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You’re dead. Your Friends are dead. Your f***ing pets are being skinned alive. Your mom’s a f***ing whore. The whole world hates you. You’re going to hell. Live with it. Game over.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
I love it. It’s just great… [looks left, right, and looks forward with an angry face] Like puke up a donkey’s ass! What a shitload of motherf***ing bullf***! I’d rather eat snot and diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo’s dick and if you thought I was serious about this [is suddenly grabbed by Jason from behind the couch; panicking] then you are absolutely right! I was just kidding! I swear to god I was just kidding! I was just kidding! It’s not a shitload of f***! It’s NOT a shitload of f***! [Jason goes back behind the couch]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[looks at Jason screaming] Please don’t kill me!

Jason Voorhees:
[shows him the NES “Friday the 13th” game]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[shakes his head side to side slowly] kill me [describing how bad the game is]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s a Clubberf***!

The Glitch Gremlin:
[the Nerd is playing a faulty copy of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out] I just ironed out his face. Now he’s sh*t-faced Mike Tyson.

The Glitch Gremlin:
Oh no, not the q-tip!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m gonna lay the f*** smack on you.

The Glitch Gremlin:
I sh*t all over it with me glitches.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I almost wonder if the Glitch Gremlin made a deal with game companies to sell you all kinds of cleaning devices that you don’t need. I mean, would you really need this to clean out your game? It’s just as good for cleaning out your ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Mega Man] Have you ever wondered what it would look like if the Air Man stage and Dr. Wily Part II stage got thrown together in a blender?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Sometimes games can be unpredictable. Cheetahmen II is a prime example where the whole game is a glitch. As I already described in my Cheetahmen review, after you beat the fourth level boss, it gets stuck in limbo. So there’s no way to play the last two levels unless by freak accident. If a blue moon occurs on Friday the 13th and all the planets align, the game will actually start up on the missing levels, so now the frustrating part is that now I have no choice but to play them. It’s not like, this is gonna happen again, so it’s like, I gotta sit my ass down and play the two hardest to find most mysterious levels in video game history in what’s already one of the rarest games in existence. What a privilege. Oh, and guess what? It sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now if I ever have to talk about Action 52 or Cheetahmen again, I’m gonna staple my f***ing ball sac to the ceiling.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Let’s move on to Mario 3. The Glitch Gremlin usually stays away from this one. Yeah, it’s a little too crowded with demonic possessions.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What happened to the audience?

The Glitch Gremlin:
Well you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd. Ya sure did. Standing room only, full house of glitches! Ding, ding, ding, in this corner we have, weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, we have… nothing! In this corner, we’ve got much of the same: nothing!

The Glitch Gremlin:
In this corner, we have Bug-eyed Balboa.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What happened to his mouth?

The Glitch Gremlin:
His eyes are poppin’ out. In this corner, we have Spider Rico with no jaw!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They’re like zombies. Is this Rocky: The Un-Dead edition?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
As for Super Mario World, there’s a neat trick here too. Go to Chocolate Island 3, when you get to the goal, instead of jumping like normal, release Yoshi in midair. The screen is still fixated on where Yoshi was and you can only see Mario’s legs. But that’s only the beginning. [screen flashes] Wow! The stability of all the colors in this world depend on Mario and Yoshi making that jump correctly.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wonder if the Glitch Gremlin made a deal with game companies to sell you all kinds of cleaning devices that you don’t need. I mean, would you really need this to clean out a game? It’s just as good for cleaning out your ass!

The Glitch Gremlin:
You’re a real a**hole. I’ll be back.

The Glitch Gremlin:
Not gonna work. Not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o’clock.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Don’t you hate it when that happens? You start playing a game, then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up. Oh great, Metal Gear’s f***ing up now? You blow in the game, jiggle it around, try different consoles, but it still doesn’t work. You know when this happens, that means that there’s something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mish-mash of garbage. You’re dealing with… a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.

The Glitch Gremlin:
Whoa, you keep blowing the dust out, I’ve spent all day trying to get it in there. Well if you’re gonna blow it, why don’t you blow me?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now when we heard that a Ghostbusters game was going to be released on Nintendo, we were so excited we sh*t our pants. Literally, sh*t came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof. It was two of our favorite things coming together. Should’ve been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Are you willing to bet this game is going to get a lot worse? Oh, yeah. It gets worse the minute you press the start button…

Voice on Game:
Ghostbusters!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f*** was that?

Voice on Game:
Ghostbusters!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Gershbushderz!

Voice on Game:
Ghostbusters!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging this by it’s lack of clarity, but let’s let that set the tone for the game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who pays you to catch all these ghosts? Shouldn’t ghosts have a right to death? So why are you busting them? Because busting makes you feel good?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is the worst game I’ve ever played in my life. It’s worse than Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Well, maybe not that bad.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[holds up a Belle figurine] Wait, that’s not mine. Get that the f*** out of here.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And every kid on the block needed a Proton pack. Even though it’s only plastic, in our minds, it was an unlicensed nuclear accelerator.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So as you’re constantly running around, emptying your traps, you’ll keep running out of gas. That’s right, you can run out of gas in this game. How do you get gas? You need to go to the gas station. What happens if you run out of gas? Two little f*** balls get out to push the car. Do you really have to go to the gas station at all? No, you can also slam into gas tanks on the highway. So f*** the gas station. I wish it was that easy in real life. Need gas? Just run over the gas containers.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes. That’s right, we’re gonna cheat. But there’s only one cheat I care about: immunity to ghosts on the stairwell.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And I’ve counted. There’s 22 floors. You think that’s enough? I mean, what the f*** were they f***ing thinking?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***! I hate this f***ing game. What were they thinking?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***, I’m out of gas. It really sucks that you need to keep refueling your car. What sucks even more is that the gas costs money too. More money than it does in real life.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[the Ghostbusters finally reach the top of the stairwell] And *then* they run? They move like slugs the whole f***ing time but as soon as they get to the top, they run like they’ve got propellers in their asses!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s also kinda confusing that B jumps and A shoots slime. Usually, it’s the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don’t do donkey dick. Usually Start pauses the game, but here, there’s no way to pause it. [yells] I mean, if you gotta answer the phone or take a sh*t… oh, it’s tough sh*t if you gotta take a sh*t! You gotta take a quick sh*t! You gotta turbo-turd! I’m sitting here playing the game, I’ve got sh*t stains in my pants and a voice message on my phone that says, “Sorry, I’m playing Ghostbusters II on Nintendo”! What a selfish game! Bottom line: have a f***ing pause button, Goddamn it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wait, is that Kool-Aid? Gimme the Kool-Aid! Aww, f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That is dog sh*t. That’s what this game reminds me of. This game reminds me of dog sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Once again, there’s only three Ghostbusters. I mean, what’s their problem with Winston? Are these guys f***ing racist?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If they could make The Santa Clause 3, Free Willy 3, Home Alone 3, Psycho 3, The Never Ending Story 3, Problem Child 3, and about a million Scary Movie and American Pie sequels, then I don’t see why we can’t have Ghostbusters 3.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[talking about a Ghostbusters 3] I grew up with these movies. I’d love to see those guys put on their proton packs one last time. Even if the whole movie was just the Ghostbusters sittin’ around taking a sh*t, I’d go see it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Congratulations. You had the patience to sit through this awful game. You’ve proved your nerdiness. Now go f*** yourself!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ernie Hudson, maybe you should be glad you were left out of this shitty game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t understand why you’re dropping poop everywhere you go. I thought the Ghostbusters were in a car, not a horse and buggy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow. I never thought I’d see a car explode like that from hitting garbage.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“The Game is over. Start again from the beginning.” Oh, really? I thought I could just start from the middle.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Level 6. Oh boy, this is the infernal hellhole of the 8-bit underworld. There’s nothing more synonymous with hell, eternal damnation, fire and brimstone than level 6, Ghosts N’ Goblins. This will make you curse the day you ever picked up an NES controller. Your body will shake, your hands will be sweating all over the controller, your heart will be racing out of control, you’ll forget to breathe, and your eyes will be burning from not blinking. These are all common symptoms of NES fever, you get it from playing games like Ninja Turtles, Street Fighter 2010, the Famicom Transformers, and this one.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, f*** my uncle!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Godzi! Monster of Monsters! This should already be a clue as to how half-ass this game is because he’s blocking half the title!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why is it always X? It’s like they couldn’t come up with an exact year, so just make it X.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Great looking game, huh? What is this? Godzilla Chess?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How does Godzilla jump without bending his knees? Looks like he’s bouncing on a trampoline.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s this thing? What’s that? What’s everything? Did they just send Godzilla to some shithole planet that happens to be the garbage can of the Cosmos where everything that never existed got thrown away?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
She drops wings. That’s like if you can throw your own arms.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s a sensible solution: kick the top of a volcano.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That f***ing time limit! That sh*t-sucking, motherf***ing time limit! It’s not like there’s a counter. It’s like the game just pulls a plug! It’s like, oh, you’re gonna win? Well not anymore, you sh*t-sucking fecal-f***ing anus brain! The game cheats. That’s all there is to it. The game f***ing cheats.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You thought the first game was bad? This is an insult to the first game! This shouldn’t have been even called “Godzilla 2”! That would be like if the NES had a Ninja Gaiden 4, but it was a puzzle game. You don’t pretend that this is a sequel when it isn’t even in the same category! It should have been called “Godzilla Strategic Operations Simulator” or “Simzilla”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How can they do this to the King of the Monsters? They might as well have given Godzilla a clown suit and have him jumping around on a pogo stick!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The best way to some up this game is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare…”F*** it!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ooh! The year, 199X! They narrowed it down to the decades, so I guess they were more confident with the date on this one.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So playing as Godzilla, you’d want to be destroying buildings, right? Well here, the buildings drain your health. That makes no sense! Godzilla destroys buildings all the time! That’s what he’s good at! That’s like if Mike Tyson couldn’t punch anybody without hurting his hand.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why is it so hard to have two monsters fighting without it being a f***ing Einstein project?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Nintendo Power teased me with this game. Issue 75, May 995, they announced “Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters”. I was about to sh*t my pants. A Godzilla tournament fighter? I couldn’t wait to play it! Never again was it mentioned, and never could I find it in stores. Only in Japan, only in Japan. 15 years later, I am still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***! Why couldn’t I have those games when I was a kid? God damn it, I was born too f***ing early! Instead, I had to grow up with these miserable pieces of sh*t-f***ing anal jugs! These games suck Baragon’s sweaty ballsac! I’d rather get an electric shock from sucking Mecha-Godzilla’s mechanical wiener! These games are sh*t drizzling out of the Smog Monster’s rancid peutrid a**hole and then being swallowed and barfed up by Angorous while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan’s buzzsaw up my ass while Desutroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face! Man, it’s just a bunch of f***, it’s a pile of c*nt, f***, sh*t, f***, c*nt, f***… Goddammit! I just said “f***” from the bottom of my heart, and I said every curse that there is. There’s nothing left, so you know what? Somebody’s got to invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game… these f***ing games are… [censored out] ! Oh yeah! It’s that bad!

Kid, Kid:
Trick or treat.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, oh you want some trick or treat? Okay, here’s some trick or treat for ya. [holds a plastic bag over his rear and defacates into it] Alright there ya go, ya little f***ers. There’s some chocolate for ya.

Kid:
That’s not chocolate, that’s poop.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Not chocolate, nor is it poop. It’s sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, now that’s my cue to get the f*** out of here and go babysit.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, it’s Halloween and I gotta go babysit. Yeah, of all things, I gotta watch some little shitheads for the night.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hey wait, I got something for you too. A shitty game. [drops Halloween for Atari into the kid’s bag]

Kid:
What the heck is this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s an Atari game.

Kid:
What the heck is Atari, you dope?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[to the neighbor, talking about Michael Myres] Hey! Call the police, tell the sheriff, he’s on the loose!

Neighbor:
Is this some kind of joke? I’ve been trick or treated like sh*t tonight!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You don’t know what sh*t is!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f***? It’s Meatwad! It’s f***in’ Meatwad!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Exhibit A. Halloween, Halloween. Just in case you didn’t see it the first time.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Bruce Lee’s relative is so powerful, he’s the equivalent of a thousand nukes! He’s gonna murder the entire population of China by breakin’ their necks! Even when Bruce Lee would take down twenty people, it took him a little bit of time, but now comes Chin! You don’t f*** with Chin!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So, apparently, for the character of Tong Shau Ping, they used an actual image of a real Chinese leader, Deng Xiaoping. Spelled differently, but pronounced very similar. When the game was made, this guy was still alive. Couldn’t they have at least had the courtesy to wait for him to die before transforming him into an ultimate weapon?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there is a game worse than Big Rigs. WORSE than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. WORSE than CrazyBus or Desert Bus. It is known as Hong Kong 97 and I’ve been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, It’s time to sh*t ’em out.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“The year 1997 has arrived, a herd of…” [stops, sees the text says “a herd of f***in’ ugly reds”] . This can’t be real. No. NO! Somebody’s pulling my leg! A HERD OF F***ING UGLY REDS? Was “A herd of ugly reds” too weak? Did they really need the F word to f***in’ drive home the f***in’ point? This was before cursing in games was common. I remember how shocked I was when I first played Rambo on NES and saw the word “Hell.” But here, they dropped the F-Bomb! THEY DID IT! A game made for the Super Famicom! [scene cuts to Mario flying past the Super Nintendo logo, with the word “F***” appearing on screen] It’s the closest you’d ever get to a Super Nintendo game that says “F***”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’d be like if I made a game called “New York 2017”. [Reading as images from the proposed New York 2017 appear] “Motherf***in’ demons from the planet Jupiter have arrived through the Manhattan portal. The leader of. United States calls upon Master Joe,. John Wayne’s half-cousin’s step-son to annihilate the 2.5 OctoDecillion alien scum of the universe. However, on Jupiter’s secret moon, a master plan is conceived to resurrect the astro-demonoid Dill Clyntin into a mecha-doomsday machine.”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
One hit, and the game’s over. Why would I expect anything more? [a real surveillance image of a man lying motionless appears] No… Oh, please. I hope that’s not a real dead body. No, there-there’s no way they’d have such bad taste. That’s gotta be an actor. Or… we’re looking at some guy who died… on that date and time in 1992. Oh, this couldn’t get the Nintendo endorsement?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Maybe it’s all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again! The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it’s the cycle of life! The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going: reproduction… and food… which becomes sh*t. The game is f***in’ sh*t. There.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What turkeys worked on this murky mess of monkey jerky? Some quirky jackass from Albuquerque?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’d rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports, like Altered Beast. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can’t stand in the least.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Last Action Hero, I can’t get passed the first stage. Getting whacked to death by Ernest P. Worrell sends me into a fit of rage.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They’d puke at the nauseating effect of Marsupalami; the camera jumps with the character, and that’s a bunch of sh*t sauce and salami. They’d take an axe to Mad Max; they’d take offense to Taboo: The Sixth Sense; they’d shriek squeaks and squeals racing around on Bigfoot’s uncontrollable wheels.

Narrator:
Then he ducked down the chimney, a bit absurd, but if Mario could do it, so could the Nerd.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Skating may be the best part, but it’s still just as delightfully tart. As a broccoli bean burrito eating skunk that’s ready to fart.

Singer:
[singing] You’re a foul one, Mr. Nerd/ you’re a dreadful, drunken schmuck/ your mouth is full of cusses and your mind is full of yuck, Mr. Nerd/ The three words that best describe you are, and I quote, “fick, fack, f***!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Puss in Boots, that one really sucked. Dodging eagle poop in a car, man it’s f***ed. Nothing’s more high class than the Statue of Liberty going right up your ass.

Narrator:
He brought everything back, all the games for the feast. Then he himself, the Nerd, played Beauty and the Beast.

Narrator:
Welcome, Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all the gamers far and near. Welcome, Christmas, while we play, some pretty f***ing shitty games today.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even if you’re doing fine, you’ll suddenly get hit by a bird. It’s as much fun as wringing the stank juice out of a turd.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ugh! Hydlide! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you’re about to puke! Hydlide! Sounds so retched and fowl! Maybe it’s pronounced Hidlide. Who knows? And who even knows what the f*** it means?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Picking up a game like this is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to one of the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer in search of the unknown. You might uncover a gem or a turd covered in vomit… and this is a turd covered in vomit.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It starts with a dragon breathing fire onto a princess and making her explode into three fairies. I’ve never seen that happen.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If there’s anything this game truly ripped off, it’s the music.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
In Zelda, you see the sword, but here, it’s nothing! Did they forget to animate it? Am I supposed to use my imagination like a f***ing board game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I guess it’s like rolling the dice or playing the lottery. You either win or you lose. At least it’s not like taking drugs and alcohol, because with drugs and alcohol, you always lose.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Am I fighting a rock?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No extra lives, no continues, you don’t get diddly dick!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Game? Does that give me the option to pick a different game? Because that would be a good f***ing idea!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s a cheat if I ever saw one! The game kills you with nothing!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Do I feel accomplished? No. I feel like this game just wasted my f***ing time making me have to figure out this cryptic sh*t. That’s not to say Zelda didn’t have it’s own cryptic sh*t. You have to burn a bush to find a staircase, and there’s thousands of bushes where it could have been. There’s a lake where you have to use a flute, a statue that you have to push, and a specific rock where you’re supposed to lay a bomb.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m only raising the question. What is it we love about all the puzzle-solving in Zelda? It wasn’t as hard to figure out, and there were clues within the game. People discussed this game much more sharing all the secrets, but I do have to admit, my first time playing through Zelda, I got stumped a lot to. Maybe it just boils down to the fact that it’s a much more well-designed game, and it’s fun, so you enjoy playing through it and trying to figure it all out. Hydlide just doesn’t have the same fulfillment. It’s a medioker adventure game with some serious flaws. And that’s what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog’s a**hole, because all you’re gonna find is sh*t.

The Guitar Guy:
[having just been brought back to life] Aw, I guess somebody needs a favor.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, I need your help. To beat a game.

The Guitar Guy:
Let me, let me guess, a shitty game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, a shitty game: Ikari Warriors.

The Guitar Guy:
Yeah, I know that game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, yeah?

The Guitar Guy:
Yeah, I know what you could do with that game, too.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Uh huh?

The Guitar Guy:
Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, grease up the game and just take it and shove it up your ass. I’m not helping you.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
OK, Ikari Warriors! You know what ‘ikari’ means?

The Guitar Guy:
What?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Anger. Yeah, in Japan, and, uh, it depends on, uh…

The Guitar Guy:
Do you know what ‘warrior’ means?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Warrior? No.

The Guitar Guy:
Brave soldier or fighter.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Aw, I’m stuck! What’s holding me back? Oh, I get it. It’s the green pipes. You can’t walk through ’em. But you can walk over the yellow pipes, and the yellow pipes seems to be above the green pipes, so, the layout just doesn’t make any sense.

The Guitar Guy:
That’s because Mario goes through the green pipes.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ah, so-so Mario’s goin’ through there. Yeah? Well then, who goes through the yellow pipes? Luigi?

The Guitar Guy:
Don’t be stupid, sh*t goes through there.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wanna get some beer?

The Guitar Guy:
Not particularly.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, if you drive, I’ll drink.

The Guitar Guy:
I’m sure you will.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[They’re in the car, driving down the road] Oh sh*t, we forgot to get gas.

The Guitar Guy:
It’s on empty! What should we do?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Get out of the car! Go, go, go! [Kyle and James run away from the car as it bursts into flames]

The Guitar Guy:
Just kill me.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m trying.

The Guitar Guy:
No, kill me for real.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even the bad guys hover inside the walls. Anything goes with this game. And look at these guys – hiding inside barrels of flammable liquid. If you’re in a gun war, would you hide inside a barrel of flammable liquid?

The Guitar Guy:
[singing] Better than hiding behind…

[speaking]

The Guitar Guy:
A f***in’ couch for all these goddamn years!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I guess I gonna have to go through the doorway?

The Guitar Guy:
[singing] Sounds pretty normal, if you ask me.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, that’s real fair.

The Guitar Guy:
[singing] It’s not fair at all.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If you get the helicopter you’ll be lucky if you can keep it for 2 seconds.

The Guitar Guy:
[singing] That’s a really bad rental.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The enemies explode now, by the way.

The Guitar Guy:
[singing; in Cajun accent] Spontaneous combustion.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
A hidden bomb under the doorway, that’s real fair.

The Guitar Guy:
[singing] That kinda sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Also, they run over the islands like it’s nothing, but if I try to do that: look how slow I am! And if you go under a doorway, you can count on there being a bomb there! That’s real fair! Look at this: I’m gonna go through the doorway. How much you wanna bet there’s gonna be a bomb there? Here it comes, here it comes, BOOM! See?

The Guitar Guy:
[singing] Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb.

The Guitar Guy:
So, who is this guy, Rambo?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, if he’s Rambo, then who’s the other guy?

The Guitar Guy:
Arnold Schwarzenegger?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Which movie?

The Guitar Guy:
Commando.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’ll be a f***in’ awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last. Of course, it’ll be Rambo and Commando. Say that three times fast.

The Angry Video Game Nerd, The Guitar Guy:
Rambo Commando, Rambo Commando, Rambo Commando.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What do you get when you have a game based on a movie that’s ass? You get a piece of sh*t! If you get a piece of ass, that’s a good thing, but a piece of sh*t? You don’t want that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[trying to enter a password] Ugh… Oh God!… Oh, why is it so slow?… Why is it so ass?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know, I’ve played a lot of sh*t in my day, but this game is f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Playing this makes me feel guilty. Like, I should be doing something better with my time. Like, rolling dog turds in cement. It’s like, I gotta get out of this room. I gotta go do something wild… like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby while snorting coccaine off its penis.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wish that voice would just shut the hell up.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So that’s Kid Kool for ya, it seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game: it has one-way-bullshit, two-gear-diarrhea, it’s heavy on the jump-f***ness, with loads of top-side-aquatic-ass, it has frequent air-suspension-sh*t-lifts, a ton of inviso-b*tches and some free-falling-f***-balls for good measure.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I went through all that torture just to be given the middle finger salute?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is a perfect example of a game that’s ruined by control. Control! And that’s the hardest part to explain, because unless you’ve played the game, you don’t really understand. I mean, maybe you’ve played other games with horrible controls like Karate Champ or Dr. Claw’s Dump N’ Pump. But those don’t compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it’s spinning on a record player. It’s like trying to drive a car blind-folded. You would not want to try that, nor would you try to play this game! Kid Kool is not cool!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The storyline is about a king who’s dying of an illness and needs seven different herbs to cure him. Yeah, I’ll bet the game designers were smoking seven different herbs.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Is that Kid Kool? What happened? He doesn’t look anything like the kid on the cover. That’s what you’d call cool. Shaking his fist at a wizard with a dragon humping his leg.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Spelling errors? Yeah, you gotta have those. Not that the word, “kool”, was spelled right in the first place. It just makes it more cool to spell it with a K.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a guy sitting on a white seagull’s poop curt shooting out lightning faster than Sonic the Hedgehog can sh*t out turbo turds.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If the king has the power of immortality, can’t he just use it on himself?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s not even a weapon. It’s a furry animal that looks like Elmo’s ballsack.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
All these things are just petty poop.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The game designers really should have taken lessons from Super Mario Bros., the time-tested-proved way to make a side-scrolling platform game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Kid Kool is a game that is so bad you wouldn’t even want to wipe your ass on it. Your worst f***ing enemies don’t deserve to play this accursed fowl piece of garbage! Satan doesn’t even have games in Hell that are as retched as this putrid shitload of f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, let’s the cut the sh*t. [cut to what looks like a piece of sh*t being cut through by a knife]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Does LJN Video Art have any good aspects? Well, I guess… you can change the color of the pen. You can change the color of the background. You can erase… one pixel at a time. This is the worst thing ever. Etch-A-Sketch is better than this, and doesn’t even need electricity or forks to screw on your TV.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It doesn’t even qualify as a video game console, but it… comes with cartridges, so I guess… technically, it is a video game console. Well then it’s the worst video game console of all time.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don’t know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You’ve done this, I’ve done this, we’ve all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you’re having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it’s that time of year, where everybody… make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I’ll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those self-lacing shoes, hover boards and flying cars!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
LJN Video Art is not fun at all, it’s a disaster. No human being should ever have the misfortune of playing this. And yes, the styrofoam was more interesting.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn’t have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it’s f***ing static! This kind of sh*t is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you’re at it, put on a different f***ing game

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[looks at all his games] What’s the point? It’s all gonna be dust one day.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Lester the Unlikely. It’s unlikely that this is gonna be a good game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I didn’t do that, the game did. Have you ever had a video game character disobey?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game is ass gravy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh no, why do so many games have to have bats? I hate bats. I f***ing hate them.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I’d rather f*** the Wicked Witch of the West. I’d rather play a CD-i game. Yeah. Like “The Flowers of Robert Maplethorpe.” [plays for a few minutes] No, I wouldn’t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now he’s afraid of totem poles? This guy sucks!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why is he standing still? It’s like he’s asking to die. After all, it’s the same guy who slept on a cargo platform.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This nerd makes me look like Charles Bronson. Steve Urkel could beat the sh*t out of this guy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I think this whole game was an experiment: to create the world’s worst video game character. No wonder he didn’t get his own sequels. I could imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would have been like. The game would start, and you couldn’t even move. All that happens is Lester pulls down his pants, sucks on his thumb and takes a sh*t. The third game, you couldn’t even get passed the title screen. All that happens is you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. [cut to him kneeling in front of his SNES] The fourth game doesn’t even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo, [SNES blows up] and it explodes. The fifth game isn’t even a game! It’s just a bag of sh*t that says “Lester the Unlikely 5” on it! [holds up a dripping bag] And there’s a new one coming out on the PS4 using the latest state of the art technology of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. Just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for it’s money.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F*** this game. F*** all games. I’m gonna watch some TV. [his old TV doesn’t work] Man, TV nowadays sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t have time to climb down. This is a moment where being able to jump would be really helpful.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I never noticed this rock before. Can I pick it up? [Lester picks up the rock] Oh my God, now I feel like an idiot, but I can’t really blame myself. I thought the rock was just a part of the scenery. How is anybody supposed to distinguish it from the rest of this crap?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
A ruby. Cool. Wait, you can’t keep both the rock and the ruby? Are you kidding me? You can’t hold a weapon and an item at the same time? Why even have two boxes then?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn’t you rather be a tough guy? Isn’t that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered. To be someone you’re not?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Then comes the story: you’re Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock and then…

[sighs]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay, I have no faith in this character already. He’s gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that’s being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway. The ship is attacked by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That’s where the game begins.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Run, Lester, run. Get away from that turtle. That turtle might charge really fast.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can’t jump on the turtle? Oh wait, you kick it? Why didn’t I think of that before? Ha, jumping on the turtle. I really gotta stop thinking about Mario.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The next level is inside a cave, and now things are becoming very labyrinth-like.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now that is the most embarrassing walk cycle I’ve ever seen.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh come on, he can’t even jump without getting hurt? This guy needs to take lessons from Mario.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I figured out that you can kill these crabs by kicking them, and yes, that puny little kick is your only means of attack. The air humping, I don’t know what that does. You can’t hump the turtle.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Aw doody!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Geez, I feel like a f***ing dumbass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The only way to find out what’s below is to jump down.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And the original Lester will always be a classic, that’s improved like wine. Wine that’s made from fermented rat piss with the fine auroma of a dead, fly-swarmed carcass of a three-day-old deer, and the delicate, crisp flavor of skunk farts, with highlights of ass sweat. The palate is rich with hints of residual dried poop crust from a truck stop bathroom and goes down with the long lasting finish of fly-covered summer harbor trash.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay… title screen: a guy swinging on a vine… like every other jungle adventure game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Have you ever had a game do something against your will? Go near the damn turtle! What is so threatening about a f***ing turtle?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ugh! You can’t even run and jump on a ledge without taking damage? You know what it is? You’re not allowed to take shortcuts. It has to be as slow and diligent as possible. What a fussy game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Just a middle of the road, every day, button-mashing marathon. Considering the Super NES was out by this time makes it as worthwhile as yesterday’s baby diapers.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Walk off screen to select a character. That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. That’d be like if I just walked off screen right now and someone else came in. [walks off screen]

Mike Matei:
[comes in and sits down] I’m getting too old for this sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s no logic anyway. You know, logic is for pussies.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Both characters seem to operate the same pretty much. So there’s no difference between them other than the color of their skin. Well, that’s deep. Almost sounds like the game is trying to make some kind of moral statement… no, no, no, the game sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Let me give you some advice: never play a movie-based game. You know why? Okay, okay, okay… they F*** you with the movie games, okay. They f*** ya, they f*** ya. They know you’re gonna buy the game, and by the time you play the game and realize you got f***ed, it’s too late. They don’t care. And after they get done f***ing you, they f*** you some more. Who got f***ed? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They f*** you with the graphics, f*** you with the music, f*** you with the gameplay. They f*** you, they f*** you, they f*** you!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know what? I’ve noticed something. These are the only two games that have that weird thing on top that you gotta connect something onto it in order to get it to work, and they both involve animals, slingshots and fruit, so I wonder if there’s a connection. Probably not.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird’s ball sack would appear. What, that’s not the story? Oh, well, excuse me, because this isn’t Little Red Riding Hood. It’s Little Red Hood!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Please, God, tell me one thing: why are there cherries coming out of a f***ing palm tree?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s how you attack in this game. Mario jumps on enemies, Link uses a sword, Little Red Hood uses a dog she finds under a rock. I can’t believe I’m explaining this!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The stores always sell the same three items, even if there’s two stores right next to each other. What’s the point of that? It’s like f***in’ Starbucks at every street corner!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I suppose if the game developers put a gun in the game, you’d be throwing that as well. Does that make any sense? No.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How can a key unlock an open staircase that doesn’t even have a door in front of it?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Don’t you wish there could have been a more appealing hue rather than this diarrhea-ish brown?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I feel like a guinea pig in a test of negative reinforcement!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How would anybody know to do that? You go through the game, and then suddenly, they throw a curveball at you and change the f***ing rules! Imagine if in Super Mario Bros., in one level, you can’t jump on the flagpole at the end unless first you collect exactly 29 coins, stomp 3 goombas and get a fire flower! You want to know how I feel right now? I’m f***ing enraged! You don’t just change the rules like that! This is sh*t sauce! This is Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde standards! And I’m still playing it! I don’t know why! I guess I can’t resist being able to say, “I beat Little Red Hood”! And you know what? I don’t expect a good ending, either. Why put together such an elaborate ending when the game is so hard to figure out that there’s not a chance in hell that anyone would get that far? In fact, I expect a shitty ending! A f***ing loathesome sh*t heap of an ending!

[he gets to the end]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Oh! My dear Little Red Hood! Thank you for your coming!” You did not disappoint.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
One thousand gold pieces, down the shitter.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
F*** balls.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
F*** farts.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So then you go to Grimace’s board. Here’s Grimace, the big purple f***. Look at his house, it looks like Barney the Dinosaur’s testicle.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So then you gotta go talk to the Professor, another of Ronald’s stoner friends. He tells you to find more cards, which just makes me wanna punch him.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Kids will have the patience to figure that out. Especially the ones with ADD, such as myself.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Toasty!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So there’s Ronald with his magic bag. Bag of hallucinagenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherf***er.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So there you go in Ronald’s magic zipper, running around magical McDonald world.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Then you go to Birdie’s stage. Stupid feathered f***ing bird b*tch.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Oh God, look, a McFlurry man. Those guys are badass.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Here you are at the last stage. Robble, robble. You gotta get cards from Hamburglar.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Ass balls!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
A lot of people like to call 1-ups extra lives or free men. I like to call them life insurance.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The game begins with Mario getting a bag thrown over him. How does he get in there? Is there a whole in the bottom? Why doesn’t he get out? It begs an explanation.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
None of the characters look like they belong in a Mario game or a Luigi game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is Luigi doing? Shouldn’t he be rescuing Mario? What is he doing in New York City collecting landmarks?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s sort of like a help desk where you’re supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won’t talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid b*tch won’t talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For f***’s sake, he can jump higher than the shittin’ thing! How stupid do they think we are? Use Yoshi to reach the help desk. Well, how ’bout use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack ya across the f***in’ face?!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who the hell is honking at me? Are the cars invisible?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is another “educational game”, and I put that in quotes because it’s barely educational, and it barely qualifies as a game. How can it be a game if you don’t die?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s one thing to make a shitty Mario game, but when you make an original Mario game look shitty, that’s quite an accomplishment!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Educational or not, these games are just horrible abominations of space and time that give insult to the very favorite of nature itself! In other words, they suck.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, it talks! It’s the first time I’ve ever heard the Olsen twins talk to me through a video game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You’ll move one of the twins over to a switch and then realize, oh sh*t, that’s Mary-Kate, gotta select Ashley because for some reason, only she knows how to flick switches and bounce off her sister’s head. What does that mean? Mary-Kate has a bouncier head or something? Mary-Kate can jump higher than Ashley though, so that’s probably the quickest way to tell the difference between them. Now I’m actually curious, can she really jump higher in real life? That should be put to the test because the world needs to know.

[repeated line]

Sh*t Pickle:
Sh*t pickle!

Sh*t Pickle:
Sh*t Pickle, Sh*t Pickle, Sh*t Pickle.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So what do you think?

Sh*t Pickle:
Sh*t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Exactly.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
What a piece of sh*t.

Sh*t Pickle:
Pickle.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
His full name is Solid Snake? It might as well be Erect Cock.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game has the fastest start up screen. It stays up for two seconds, and then it goes to the demo. Here, I’ll time it. [records time] There you go. Two seconds. It’s like the game is saying, “Oh, you’re not gonna push Start? Well, f*** you, then!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So anyway, you can walk up to this guy and either fight him or wait for him to fall asleep… or “feel” asleep. I guess if he feels asleep, that’s good enough.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, f***! What was the point of that? You know what the point was? To waste my f***ing time.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can’t do anything in this game without the enemies respawning! Was this a glitch? Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be f***ing a**holes!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Sometimes, the dialogue box can actually get blocked. They can’t keep the objects in the game from getting in front of the text? Or maybe it’s to hide their inability to proofread. “I have located some plastic explosive?” This game’s a mess! How did they f*** it up so bad?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Then your boss comes in and says, “I forgot to…” I mean, “I forget to tell you something. You will need your gas mask in gas-covered areas.” Oh, no sh*t! You’re a little late there, a**hole! You think you can tell me before I step into the room? Not after? I mean, if I survive long enough to get his message, I would have figured that out.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If Metal Gear was Kajima’s baby, then the NES version was his deformed grandchild! And I know, it’s a classic game if you overlook it’s flaws. It’s like digging for gold under a pile of horse sh*t. Or maybe it’s a silver turd. It may not look like sh*t… but it sure smells like it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, I know it’s a classic game, but when something is f***ed up, it’s f***ed up. So if you want to rip me a new a**hole, that’s fine. I have, like, 12. Yeah, I got Charlie Brown ghost ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s not just me, Hideo Kojima himself said it slurped anal grease through a warthog’s dickhole. Well, he didn’t say it like that. He said it wasn’t faithful to his original game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about the Sega Genesis] NES players such as myself glared at this sexy beast when it came out. It was black, it was round, and it said 16-bit like in your face, b*tch!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[to the game] The only question is… are you bad? Are you bad? Let’s find out!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can’t even kick these dogs! Such a b*tch! Literally!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s the use of having a special attack if it drains half your energy? Still, it’s there just for the amusement, and even the dogs dance.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah! He transforms from Michael Jackson to Mecha Super Jackson, the King of Robo Pop! This is one of the most awesome things I’ve ever seen! The only problem is you can’t rescue the kids. I guess they don’t respond to giant killer robots.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s a humble game. It’s not Mario, or Megaman, or Michael Jackson. It’s just Milon.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The first thing that bugs me is the weapon. Why bubbles? Why not a magic sword or lightning bolts or fire balls or a gun or undefined pixilized pieces of sh*t? F***ing anything but bubbles! What, is this game for little girls? Besides, they suck.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
When you let go of the D-pad, Milon stops dead in his tracks. He doesn’t gain momentum the way Mario does.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There is no thought process. You’re just blasting away blocks, the same way the game is blasting away all your f***ing brain cells!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s not a cheat, that’s just telling you how to play the game! The basic rules of this game needed Nintendo Power! That is some f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How can it be a secret if it’s something you need to do in order to advance in the game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is Counselor’s Corner where people ask questions about how to get through the game. Why Counselor’s Corner? Because you’re going to need counseling after you’re done with this sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You don’t get any continues or extra lives? You go back to the beginning of the game? That is the greatest offence in the world of gaming!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I can’t believe Hudson put their name all over this. You can find the Hudson bee, and there’s letters that spell Hudson. So I guess by sneaking their name in here so much, they must have been really proud of this game, and so am I, because it killed more brain cells than I could possibly imagine!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This whole game is based on secrets, but there’s a difference between secret and f***ing impossible!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the Hell? I was just standing outside the castle, minding my own business when… lightning bolts started coming down. Isn’t this supposed to be the safe spot? Imagine if any other game had that, if you were on the overworld or map screen, and then all of a sudden SH*T starts attacking!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So you need a lantern to go through the dark room. You need a fire-proof vest to get through the fire room. You’ve gotta go through secret walls, some of which require shrinking in size. Now I’m *really* losing my patience. This princess can go f*** herself.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So here’s the second boss. Looks like a giant turd that’s been run over by a steamroller.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***! [a duck dies] Heh, I killed a duck by saying, “f***”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[wearing the Lazerscope] Yeah, I would look so cool listening to my iPod with this f***ing thing on my head!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even though the Speedboard was made by a third party company, it was licensed by Nintendo. It’s like covering a turd with ice cream sprinkles.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah! I’m killing ducks with a piano!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ah, now that’s assy. Yeah, I know I use the word ‘ass’ alot. I guess you could say I’m an ‘ass-aholic’.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[the nerd is using the Roll and Rocker] I need a beer. [starts drinking Rolling Rock] I’m drinking Rolling Rock on the Roll N Rocker! Rolling Rock! Roll N Rocker! Yeah! Rolling Rock on the Roll N Rocker!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Dogs and cats would piss and sh*t all over it. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Everyone always said “Ninja Gayden”, but I know for a fact it’s “Gaiden”. You know where I learned that? From The Wizard.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay, Ryu and Ken? How can you not think “Street Fighter”?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game is a whole network of ninja cross-references.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Throughout the series, Ryu would say, “What the…”, “What the…” “What the…” What was he going to say? “What the f***?”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It doesn’t matter where you are, whenever you get hit, you always seem to gravitate towards the nearest hole.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Please, teach me how to beat Ninja Gaiden.

Ninja:
Ninja Gaiden. I have not heard that name in ages.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Really?

Ninja:
Normally, they say Ninja Gayden.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Does that mean I’m worthy?

Ninja:
Playing Ninja Gaiden is a secret of art. Only the most determined players can beat it. You must be quick, you must be strategic. Can you learn that, my boy?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve wanted to beat that game all my life.

Ninja:
You realize before you beat the game, the game must beat you.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And it has. For the past 20 years, it’s kicked my ass. I love the game. I want to complete that love by finishing it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, come on! How was I supposed to know a bat was coming?

Ninja:
A ninja must look beyond the borders of the screen.

Ninja:
Unlimited continues means no game over. Game is only over when you make it over.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No! I jumped a bat and got killed by a cat! That’s what this game is: an endless cycle of things that kill you… like a checkmate.

Ninja:
You’re playing with anger! Anger does not exist! Pain does not exist! Defeat does not exist!

Ninja:
Before you leap, you must look. Before you look, you must think. Before you think, you must feel. Before you feel, you must…

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve had enough!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It would be so much easier if I had a weapon, but this game is really stingy about it’s weapons. The amount is very scarce. When you die, you reset to nothing.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I give up.

Ninja:
You must not give up. Game is never over.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Game’s over now. You try.

Ninja:
Numchuck f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know, the whole f***ing trilogy is impossible. The first game sends you back, the second has the stage hazards, and the third one has game overs. So, it’s like pick your poison! Well, I got my poison right here. [takes a sip from a bottle of beer]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Tedphone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? Oh, that’s a great prize! That movie never got f***in’ made, unless you count Son of Mask, but that wasn’t until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don’t have Jim Carrey?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[reading letters] “It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the N64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you’ll also target younger ones, since the younger audience’s perception of coolness depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool”. I agree. The response: “Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of “friends” this week too see…”… Okay, here’s my letter: Dear Nintendo Power editor: What the f*** is your problem?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breaking their balls trying to beat some game, and you’d be like, “Oh, I know how to beat that,” or, “I know a code.” That’s because you had the power! Nintendo Power, motherf***er!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Remember Star Fox II, the game that never saw the light of day?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They even had a Top 5 for the Virtual Boy. That’s hilarious, because that’s just about the whole library of games for that f***ing piece of sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Have you ever dreamed of yourself in a trobical paradise, surrounded by sea and sand, a volcano rising at your back?” Well, not if it’s erupting, like in the picture. “It’s tropical, dude!” There’s the sun; I don’t really see it. There’s fun… Oh, that’s where the fun is? Right there? Surf? Okay. You? You’re right there? Okay. Sand? Uh… yeah, that is definately sand. And trees? Uh… yep, there are trees… all over the place.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Another thing powerful about this game was having the power to know what games were coming out, but if only we could read between the lines, we’d know how shitty they’d be. This one says, “in depth playing tips on the horrifying sequel to Castlevania”. This one says Back to the Future “has that distinctive LJN style and an interesting timer.” Wow, they knew it was bad!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It’s just a bunch of nerds showing off their high scores. But how do you prove it? You gotta take a picture of your screen. And nobody really knew how to do that back then. I mean, remember, there were no digital cameras back then. So, you take the picture of the screen, you have no f***ing clue what it looks like, and there could be like 20 other photos on the roll, so you’d either have to waste them all or wait until it gets finished, you get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like f***ing sh*t! So Nintendo Power printed some guidelines basically saying, “Look, dumbshits, this is how you do it!” And if my game said, “cheese”, I’d probably sh*t my pants, and if I wore that, I’d have problems.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“So, nice names guys. Mario 64, Super Mario Kart 64, PilotWings 64, Wave Race 64, Killer Instinct 64, and the list goes on. Yeesh! I’m not really mad, but I think you guys could at least put some effort into the names of the games.” He totally has a good point, but here’s the response. “So you wouldn’t be in favor of our plan to rename our magazine to Nintendo Power 64?” Wow, what an a**hole!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The ads were kind of weird. This kid better be careful not to get any of those games wet. Actually, those games suck ass; throw them to the sharks!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that’s great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don’t open unless you have a barf bag!

“Unmask the power animal in you!” Uh-oh, here we go. “And radicalize your game with a subscription to Nintendo Power!” Holy sh*t! Will it make me grow claws like that? You know it’s gotta be awesome when you’re flying a Jeep through space going apeshit with Nintendo controllers.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s the most rare NES game you have?

Pat the NES Punk:
Well, if you must know, I do happen to own a little game called the Nintendo World Championship cart.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You mean a reproduction, right?

Pat the NES Punk:
Oh, it’s real!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Are you sure? It could be a fake. You never know.

Pat the NES Punk:
Pretty sure it’s real.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Tell you what. If you come on over, I’ll help authenticate it for you. I’ll give it the Nerd’s seal of approval.

Pat the NES Punk:
The Nerd’s seal of approval? What is that? Does that mean you’ll take a dump on it?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No. That would be the Nerd’s seal of dissaproval.

Pat the NES Punk:
I needed another copy of Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt. I’m making a coffee table out of them!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The gold one’s a piece of crap. You don’t want that. You know how they made them. They cut out the logo with cheap paper and they glued it on with glue.

Pat the NES Punk:
Yeah. Elmer’s Glue.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer glued it on himself… from his own goat.

Pat the NES Punk:
Where’s your Nintendo?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s it. The Nintoaster.

Pat the NES Punk:
The what? Are you playing games or making breakfast? I am not going to turn these rare and expensive games into an english muffin!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, you’re right. Like you said, these games shouldn’t be played, let alone looked at.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedastool! It’s an overglorified Holy Sh*t Grail! F*** it to Hell! F*** it to High Heaven and Purgatory beyond existence!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Just to think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!

Pat the NES Punk:
Sure, you can buy a car, but would it be… a racer as rad as this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. What kind of games did you grow up with? Maybe Wrecking Crew on the NES, or Afterburner on the Sega Master System, or how about Game #1 on the Odyssey?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now all we need is someone to play with. Sorry, but these are 2-player games, so I don’t really have much of a choice.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
People in 1972 must have been bored out of their minds. You really gotta use your imagination because the Odyssey doesn’t have any sound. When you think about it, it doesn’t have any graphics either.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The game doesn’t keep score. It’s a f***ing free-for-all!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, look, he’s got a nuclear boner! Nuclear boner! She’s giving birth to a solar baby!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This one is called “Analogic”. Yeah, that one sounds fun. It’s like the logic of your ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You each start on your own planet. I guess it’s Uranus and MY-anus.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It may sound like a complete waste of time, but that’s because it is.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I like how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren’t really down there. Hey, Nerdy Turd! Did you know that Hawaii isn’t really south of Texas?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
A wheel and a ball is all you need to play Roulette, not a sheet of plastic with a glowing dot on your TV screen.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Primitive isn’t even the word. It barely qualifies as a video game. Master Shake would say, “If I were to play Tetris, I’d just draw it on a flip book and animate it.” You might as well be playing with rocks!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Odyssey doesn’t f*** around! This is what you call a gun! I mean look at it! It’s a f***ing rifle! You can never get away with something like this nowadays! It just blows my mind! I can’t believe there exists a gun like this!… Let’s try it out!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that “those are just baby toys”. Well, everybody I knew had those baby toys, and nobody, I repeat, nobody I have ever met owned a 3DO, probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, f***. But you’d better buy it because this is the *real* gaming console! That was its slogan: “REAL”, because it was a real piece of sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Judging by the box, I don’t know what to think of it. An interactive romantic comedy. A plumber, Daddy’s girl, chickens, crazed yuppies, evil bosses, shower scenes, race cars, pandas, a nun? What kind of game is this? What’s this? [turns box over] Get it? No! I don’t get it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why are we watching still images of racecars? Why all the wacky filters? Why does it keep showing a naked guy lying in bed? Why is there a panda in a car on the bed? Why did they leave off so much extra space when they cut the panda from the background it originally belonged to? Why is the perspective butchered so badly? It doesn’t even look like it’s really there! But then, why would it be there anyway? Now, why is it just a head of a panda? Why would there ever be a floating head of a panda next to someone’s bed? We haven’t even gotten through the credits yet, and this game is already a pile of monkey f***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is not a game. It’s more like a movie. Or, no! It isn’t a movie! A movie is something that moves! This doesn’t move! It’s just a bunch of still images. If the beginning was in motion, why couldn’t the rest be?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a code to remove the censor bars, or… censor face with a nose, but that’s only if you want to see John’s hairy ass that much.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This was before the rating system, but what kind of f***ed up rating is this? The box says 17, but for this one part, you gotta be 18!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Damn! She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?

[imitating Thresher]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Wow, I had no idea she’d actually do it!”

Narrator:
Well, sport, do you think you can make the right move without getting the lowest score in the history of this game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What, did somebody else play this sh*t?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wonder how this would have played out if it was actually moving.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If this qualifies as a game, then it is the worst game that I have ever seen in my life, and that’s one hell of an accomplishment!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Are there dogs applauding? I’m not imagining that, am I? There’s dogs clapping! I didn’t even know dogs were f***ing watching!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They left in an outtake? Is this a joke? Then it’s not even an outtake! It’s an intake of an outtake! What the f***? Why did they do this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Then you get the last choice: I want the Hollywood ending, or give me something different. Yeah, you know what? Give me something different! Give me a different f***ing game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[random filters appear over still images of him, just like in the game] It’s like some kind of experimental art project. If I made a bunch of sh*t and just put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of f***. It would also be the same to go take a sh*t on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing “I’m Too Sexy”.

Jane:
Put your big muscular arm around me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear, and I promise to do whatever your little heart desires.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[dumbfounded] Wow.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, the game is called “Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties”, so you could assume that he’s a plumber, and I don’t see him wearing a tie.

[John is shown wearing a tie]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f***? You can’t even trust the damn title!

Mark Thresher:
You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. Take your clothes off, Jane.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh sh*t.

Mark Thresher:
Take your damn clothes off!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What a pervert.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Pong. A simple word, a simple idea. It’s just Pong. It was one of the first video game arcade machines from 1972. It was in what looked like a carved tree stump.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can call this the Wooden Age of gaming when two people playing tennis looked like two sticks bouncing a square back and forth. Yeah, this was before circles were invented.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I thought it was fun. Apparantley, people thought so too back then. That’s why they made a home Pong console, so you can play it at home. And then… there was another one. And another one. Anda another one! And another one! And another one! And another one! There was like 9 million f***ing Pong consoles!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s amazing to think that a simple game could have inspired so many pieces of hardware to play it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Unfortunately, this one doesn’t work, but for home consoles this old, that’s something you’d have to expect.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Next is the APF-TV Fun. That’s a great name, isn’t it?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Man, if there was an RCA Studio 1, I’d hate to see it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Looks like a remote control for a TV with a Siamese twin. You pull this off and give it to your friend, and say, “F*** you! Look at me! I’ve got all this sh*t! I’m in control, motherf***er!”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m playing Ghost Pong! Oh, there’s color? Now, all of a sudden the color comes on?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f*** is this? Reverse Pong? Now, what is this? A**hole Pong? That’s not fair.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This yellow bastard here is called the TV4 Four-Way Video Game! Rolls right off your tongue.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These things come from Hell. These forks at the end might as well be the Devil’s pitchfork. One of them’s chewed off, so I have no way of connecting it to the TV. And I have no way of replacing the box! You think that makes me happy? It doesn’t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ah, that stained white color, tasteless wood grain. It reeks with age!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Did Pong have liscence agreements with the battery company to sell more f***ing batteries?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look at this mess! A steering wheel? A gun? What mad man came up with this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wanna play sh*t? This is your grandfather’s sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The character you’re playing as is Pee-Wee. Not Pee-Wee Herman, Pee-Wee from Porky’s. Which doesn’t make sense anyway because Pee-Wee is not the character whose dick gets grabbed. Not Pee-Wee Herman, he can grab his own dick, but… what are we talking about here?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Here you have to climb up the scaffolding while avoiding Porky. Yeah, now we have Porky too. Not Porky the Pig, but Porky from Porky’s.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What an experience Pee-Wee’s had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell: I was talking down the street, narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, rabid pigs, dudes in cars. I fell down to a pond where I swung around on a pole and built a ladder up to a girls’ locker room shower where this weird, blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I dropped a bunch of pyro equipment down the same hole that leads to the pond, but somehow ended up on top of a bunch of scaffolding where I went up and finished it all off with a BOOM! And that’s why you gotta love Atari.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Super Mario Bros] Come on, get over the pipe, you f***ing a**hole.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now you’re playing with power… Now you’re playing with f***ing sh*t. You’re better off f***ing sh*t than f***ing with this f***ed up sh*t. F*** this sh*t. You don’t know sh*t about how f***ing shitty this f***ing sh*t is. Its so bad, it sucks. It so f***ing suck it f***s!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It’s like puking on a pile of sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Contra with the Power Glove] Try doing the Contra code with this f***in’ thing.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest… There’s only one way to play this with the Power Glove. [punches the cartridge with his fist]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad… and I mean BAD.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now before you can even get this f***ing piece of sh*t to work, you have to put these three sensors on your TV like this. [they keep falling off] F***. Piece of sh*t. F***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m touching the f***ing floor right now. I am touching the floor, and I can’t get him to stop jumping.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I lost to Glass Joe! I lost to Glass Joe…

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So if anything, the Power Glove is an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just f***in’ jerking off! [makes the motion with his hand]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to f***ing play it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m surrounded by filth. I might as well just cover my walls in sh*t! I’m living in sh*t! F***ing video games. We’ve wasted so many hours of our f***ing lives with this vile crap! We failed at our existence when we were cursed of the technology to invent such mind-rotting catastrophes! We were better in the medival times. I wish we were just sitting on a river bed playing with f***ing rocks!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Gyromite? That was one of the NES launch titles. Yeah, like Duck Hunt, Excitebike, and Super Mario Bros. All the initial classics. Let’s try it out.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Robot Gyro? Well, that’s a good sign when the title of the game isn’t the same as the title on the f***ing cover.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[hands a controller to R.O.B] Here you go.

R.O.B. the Robot:
Error. Does not compute. Requires adaptive device.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s a controller! You play it!

R.O.B. the Robot:
I do not have thumbs, you moron!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, Rob, you got all your stuff. Let’s play.

R.O.B. the Robot:
Insufficient. Must have gyros.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You want a f***in’ gyro now? [goes to the kitchen, makes a gyro and gives it to R.O.B] Alright, here’s your damn gyro.

R.O.B. the Robot:
You idiot! That is not a gyro!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I know! I tried! Do you want me to go to f***ing Greece?

R.O.B. the Robot:
Bottom drawer.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about the gyro] Man, does this thing spin! You can probably sharpen a pencil on it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[after finishing setting up R.O.B. for Gyromite] Now, this whole set up looks like something Doc Brown or Pee Wee Herman would use.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There you go, Rob. You happy now? You’ve got enough sh*t to play with?

R.O.B. the Robot:
Affirmative.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Affirmative your ass! Let’s play.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Professor Hector somehow got himself trapped in a room full of dynamite and dinosaurs. Man, he really f***ed up!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Unfortunately, Hector cannot jump. He can’t even reach a dynamite that’s right above his f***ing face.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Smicks happen to love raddishes and will stop at nothing to eat them!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Robot Block? What’s with the alternate titles?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[referring to the blocks used for Stack Up] They’re a little bit, I’d say… rounded… for blocks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why do I have to control a professor in a game to control the robot? Why can’t I just control the robot myself? That’ll be a lot easier, right? Yeah! I remote control robot. Kids will like that. You’ll see little kids on the sidewalk playing with their remote control ROB’s. You just need to bring a TV set out to use him, that’s all.

R.O.B. the Robot:
Does not compute. Must be Gyromite or Stack Up.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, come on, ROB! You come all this way just to play the same two games? I’ve got this whole shelf, both sides, nearly 800 NES games… [R.O.B. throws the games at him]

R.O.B. the Robot:
Gyromite or Stack Up!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F***ing Smick’s a dick!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah. Ain’t that fun? How do you like that? Robozoid piece of sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What have you done?

R.O.B. the Robot:
Prime objective: eliminate all games that don’t meet criteria. Criteria equals Gyromite or Stack Up. Prime objective complete. No more inferior games. No more long passwords. No more annoying music. No more despicable controls. No more barf-inducing graphics. No more useless weapons. Like before. In 1983, the video game market was oversaturated with inferior games. All a product of human imperfection. The Video Game Crash left many companies bankrupt. A prophecy was told that a hero would rise from the ashes, a robot warrior that is I.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
F*** you! F*** you! F*** you! Nintendo made video games awesome again… for the most part, but I don’t think Nintendo’s success had anything to do with you!

R.O.B. the Robot:
Be quiet! You are a biological unit with insufficient intellect to make that determination!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You’re no hero!

[grabs a Mario plushie]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is my hero!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No more shitty games? No more Karate Kid? No more Top Gun? No more Ghostbusters? No more Fester’s Quest? No more Virtual Boy? No more Dick Tracy? No more Little Red Hood? No more Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde? I won’t f***ing have it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah. Like my new invention? I call it the Gyromite Control. It plays Gyromite.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Rambo on Sega Master] The controls are basic. Number 1 shoots bullets and number 2 fires exploding arrows. Give’em a little number 1, give’em a little number 2. Ha. Number 2.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
In the words of Mr. Horse: “No, sir, I don’t like it.”

Angry Video Game Nerd:
X-ray, y-ray? Oh COME ON!

Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ricky 1. Oh, thank God there’s no Ricky 2.

Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about the Nostalgia Critic] He’s a pain in my ass. Like, don’t you think I have enough videos to make? Like I have nothing better to do? Like… play with dog turds or something.

Angry Video Game Nerd:
All I can say to you, Nostalgia Critic, is f*** this movie, and f*** you for making me watch it.

Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s also a character named Dr. Foreskin and Officer Boner. Pretty funny, huh?

Angry Video Game Nerd:
What does any of this have to do with Rocky?

Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, this is a special review for The Nostalgia Critic.

Nostalgia Critic:
I challenge you, Angry Video Game Nerd, to review the worst nostalgic movie you can find. Have you excepted my challenge to review a horrible nostalgia movie?

Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a bunch of farting noises.

AVGN Your Friends Are Dead

Angry Video Game Nerd:
We’ve got a deal here going on where he does a shitty game, I do a shitty “nostalgic” movie. Now, I hope it’s nostalgic enough for you, and I hope it’s shitty enough for you: Ricky 1. Yeah, Ricky 1. Never heard of it? Well, you’ve heard of it now.

Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay, is the Godfather really that hard to understand? You know, this is probably one of the few moments where it actually comes close to being funny, but it’s just stupid!

Angry Video Game Nerd:
By the way, Hitler makes a cameo. Why? I have no idea.

Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a guy in the background giving a blowj*b to a blow-up doll.

Angry Video Game Nerd:
Toward the end of the movie, Ricky starts training to fight The Champ, and this is when it finally starts resembling Rocky. But at this point, I don’t even care anymore. I gave up a long time ago.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, good luck with your marathon, and after it’s all over and everybody’s donated, I’m gonna come and stick a cornish hen up your ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[a character is showering buck naked, but is only seen from behind] What… the… f***? Really, Pat? Really? You got me to play River City Ransom just so I can eat pixelated food and stare at pixelated man-ass?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Get up. Get up, you floor f***ing d*ckhead.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[after reading the instructions for Rocky] So did ya get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!

Rocky:
That’s right, it STINKS!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s a bunch of putrid anal sh*t coming out of a rhinoceros a**hole. It f***s up the ass, sh*t’s out the mouth, piss out the nose, dukie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, sh*t’s for the birds. The control is this game… is poo-poo

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Cock-a-f***ing-doodle-ass-sh*t-sucking-ball-f***! This is f***ing boring!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve got all five Rocky movies playing in my house right now at the same time. This is my projector, it’s playing Rocky up on the wall there. And on that ’80s TV, I got Rocky II going on. Here in the bedroom, you see Rocky III playing. Out in the living room, there’s Rocky IV. And check out the computer, there’s Rocky V. Now, there’s one extra TV there with a Sega Master system…

Mickey:
You don’t wanna know.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, I wanna know.

Mickey:
You wanna know?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, I wanna f***ing know!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s with the graphics here? Looks like King Kong splashed his ass all over the place.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, there you have it. Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game. Shitty graphics. Shitty music. Shitty… everything. F***ing big, clumsy moose. Bullwinkle. [imitates him] Ooh, I’m Bullwinkle. [normal voice] More like bull-f***ing-sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Damn. It looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You get the pitchfork from a devil, a devil that only appears when you cut down a hanging skeleton that I thought was only there for decoration! F*** you and your cryptic sh*t! In true Dragon’s Lair fashion, the first level of the game is a mindf***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why put the cryptic stage in the beginning? To prevent kids from seeing the rest of the game? Who would want to play this game anyway? I’d rather have a Sasquatch sit on my face and sh*t diarrhea down my throat. I am dead f***ing serious! What a shitload of f***! What were they thinking?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah! This is a man’s game! This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur… like me!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow! They sure followed the movie pretty closely! You know the plot. A special forces team lead by Alan Dutch Schaefer dressed in hot pink go on a mission to rescue hostages in Central America. They’re hunted by piranha balloons, plants that spit fireballs, Lolos or Shyguys, chickens with skull masks, giant bacteria, metroids and birds that crap blood. Now I know two NES games with birds that crap blood! The other being Daydreaming Davey.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I remember playing this game as a kid. It was a Friday night, I finished all my homework, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home and played it, and it just f***ing pissed me off and ruined my whole goddamn weekend!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Then there’s this part with mysterious holes with… things coming out. Now, I know what we’re all thinking of. Glory holes, alright?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You get her gun and start attacking her with bullets… which seem to take no more damage than her fists.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Come to think of it, I just realized that you’re playing an NES game where you shoot your wife. I can imagine that going over well with the parents.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s so many scenes in that movie that left such an impression on me since I was a kid. It was one of the first R-rated movies I’ve ever seen. I remember the alien with the three tits and the guy coming out of its stomach and the eyeballs popping out on the surface of Mars and Arnold trying to rip that tracking device out through his nose! If you’re expecting to see any of that in the game… then you’re just out of your mind.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why are there dogs hanging on me like a turd hanging onto a poodle’s ass?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The best part is when you go into a movie theater to watch the movie this game is based on. It’s just a credit crawl for all the game designers to laugh in your face. I miss Fred F***s.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Whoever made this game, you can go eat a bowl of f***! I think it was made by the Assholeons from the planet Ass!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
We gotta find a good Schwarzenegger game, or this’ll be a great stain on the pages of gaming history.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Maybe the sword is imaginary and you’re only hitting them with your fists? I don’t know.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Is he wearing pink? Why’d they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn’t wear pink in the movie! That’s not an appropriate army color! I don’t know. Maybe he’s in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game’s mom.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Aside from the army soldiers, there are also these scorpions, which you can jump on and have them take you for a ride… but only the green scorpions. What? Did you think you can ride on the red scorpions? What are you crazy?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You kill more Predators in this game than the Predator kills people in the movie.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game blows ass! Sucks duck c*nt! F***ing sh*t-munching pile of poop!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You’re kidding me! You can fall through the walls? That’s like if you can fall through the staircases of your own house.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look. The bird got stuck. This game is so messed up, even the enemies can’t play it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Arnold looks much bigger in this mode, and they call this segment of the game “Big Mode”! How creative.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now he’s wearing green? I guess because pink wouldn’t stand out as much against the purple background? As if this game has standards.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How can bubbles kill you? Maybe when you’re so masculine, little sissy things like bubbles become your Kryptonite.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Every muscle in your body tenses when you jump.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m so f***ing pissed I’m seeing red! I can hold a chainsaw up to a baby’s throat! I can kick a baby pony!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[the on game screen reads: “Congratulations. You have survived.”] Barely!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You press down to jump. Whoever came up with that idea is a real cocksucker… who sucks cock.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m not f***ing around here! Ah… I’m not f***ing around!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The manual says “Go to meetseaman.com”. The website no longer exists, but I heard it was once a porn site. I just heard, that’s all. A Dreamcast game that sends you to porn. More like wet-Dreamcast.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Set the time? Since when did video game consoles start telling time? I have a clock. A Rolling Rock clock. I don’t need this sh*t; I can wear a watch! Or a watch is not cool enough? No, no, kids nowadays, they just look at their phones. [the Nerd holds up a rotary dial phone] Yeah, I’d look so cool telling time on my phone. Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! YOU’D BE SO AWESOME! Let’s play this.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
In the name of f***. How do I get involved in this sh*t? I-I gotta figure it out. I gotta do it, I gotta do it for Nimoy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s Sea-Man! Sea… Man! Not semen. As in jizz! Splooge! Man-bazooka juice!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay, so to pick up the egg you have to hit X and the right trigger at the same time. Why couldn’t it just be X? Well, maybe the idea to go like this: [makes a grabbing motion] You know, like you’re grabbing something? Yeah, well, grab my scrote! It’s 2015, it’s time to start sayin’ “scrote”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s alive. The creatures evolve slowly over time. This is a game all about patience. You spend most of the time waiting as things happen; you feed the fish, raise the heat back up, raise the oxygen, talk to the Seamen and keep them to live long… and prosper. That’s about all there is to it; you turn off the game, come back to it a day later… or… five minutes later, like me.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, there’s nothing I can do right now. The instruction manual says it best: “This is not the type of game in which one can spend several hours in one sitting and expect to experience vast amounts of action or change. As with life itself, change only occurs over time and even then, slowly. Change is only evident through the accumulation of experience over time.” Woah. That’s deep, man. But it’s bullshit! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well I guess I’ll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to “Explosive Fighter Patton”. Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this sh*t. Let’s check it out. [He inserts the disk. The screen says: “TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO F***ING BOX!”; stunned] No… NO WAY. It’s an official Famicom Disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s, this is before Hong Kong 97! It’s an officially released game on a Nintendo console – THAT SAYS “F***”! OH, MY GOD, my life is complete! IT SAYS F***! IT SAYS FUUUUUUUUUUUU… [Brief montage indicating the passage of time]… UUUUUUUUUUUU – Oh-oh, I forgot about Seaman!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now we got Star Wars. It’s an arcade classic but, I don’t know about this one. The graphics are balls. Everything looks like a polygon and it’s putting me to sleep.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a piece of sh*t. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You plop it on top of the Genesis like they’re mating. God, I mean, you think that’s enough add-ons? It doesn’t even look asthetically presentable. I mean, it’s like an ugly tumor. Did they really need all this bullshit leeching off of the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking, “oh please, God, take this sh*t off me.” It’s like getting gang raped. Both of its slots are getting f***ed at the same time.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s something wrong here. This whole thing is just a mound of cock-a-dookie.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Bullshit. What a load of f***ing bullshit. How did they f*** this up so badly?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Great title screen, huh? There isn’t even any title at all. What is this? Wait a minute. Oh please, God, tell me what’s going on. Why can’t I see the characters? I’m playing invisible Primal Rage! Alright, let’s try Virtual Fighter… what the f***?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look at this, it’s a f***ing mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the life span of the Genesis, and that’s exactly what the freakin’ thing looks like: it’s on life support.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Primal Rage] You got all the moves: the farting, the puking, the pissing… which I can’t do, so if you want to try that out, be my guest.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Like my Sega CD video, I’m limited to the number of games I can review. I’m aware that I’m leaving out popular ones, like Snatcher on the Sega CD, and Knuckles Chaotix on the 32X, but remember: if I don’t have the game, I can’t review it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Bottom line: the 32X sucked, and it was one of the biggest failures of all time, and just to celebrate their failure or just for shits and giggles, they released a few CD 32X games, which require both the Sega CD and the 32X, so if you happen to own both this pile of vomit [the Sega CD] and this piece of sh*t [32X] you can mix the two together.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So as you can see, the 32X was just not worth it. Gamers were too smart to be suckered in, because they knew that this piece of junk would be abandoned soon, because the Sega Saturn was on its way. Hell, it was already out in Japan so nobody gave two f***s about this beast. It cost about $150 when it first came out, and the only people who bought it said it had mechanical problems. On top of that, there were rumors that it could damage your Genesis games. I’m not sure if that was true or not.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Sega Saturn was released in the US about six months later. Only about 40 games or less came out for the 32X before it bit the dust. What kind of marketing is that? What were they thinking? And on top of that, Sega had yet another console planned in between called the Neptune which was scrapped pretty quickly. All it was gonna be was a stand-alone version of the 32X, which is what it should have f***ing been in the first place! So not only was the Saturn on its way, but so was the PlayStation and the Nintendo 64. Gamers knew it was a better idea to just wait, and stores were selling the 32X for $20. I got mine at a flea market for $2.50. I’m dead f***ing serious.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now, excuse me, I gotta send this f***ing sh*t back to the fires of Hell.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow, it’s like you get to play the games on a *CD*! Check out the graphics. Full motion video, opposed to video that isn’t full motion! Sixty four simultaneous colors. 12.5 megahurtz processing. Holy sh*t! This thing is total f***ing “gar-b*tch”!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The frog’s name is Horny?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now, we’ve got Sol Feas. More like Sol Fecies!

[talking About the Sega CD]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow! It’s like you get to play your games on a *CD*! Check out the graphics. Full motion video! As opposed to video that isn’t full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy sh*t! This thing…

[changes facial expression from hysterically happy to furious]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
…is total f***ing gar-b*tch!

Guy on TV:
Hey! You still don’t own a Sega CD? What are you waiting for, Nintendo to make one? [Nerd gives a dopey nod] You *have* seen the games, right? [Nerd hesitates] Wrong answer, man. Show him.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[about the Sega 32X] This ugly, mushroom shaped piece of sh*t was the last effort from Sega to keep the Genesis alive to compete with its nemesis.

[Super Nintendo]

Guitar Guy:
[singing] He’s the Angry Atari Omega Cd-i Colecovision Intellivision Sega Neo-Geo Turbographix-16 Odyssey 3DO Commodore Nintendo Nerd. He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s not even like playing a game. It’s like watching a movie. A bad movie.

Marshall:
Let’s see some fire power or I am personally gonna call headquarters and find out what hole they dug you out of.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hole in your ass.

Eddie:
Hey.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hey.

Eddie:
Hi.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hi.

Eddie:
My name is Eddie.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hi, Eddie.

Eddie:
I need your help. This is my building, and since the neighborhood really sucks…

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Like this game sucks!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f*** am I watching? [woman screams] Oh, shut up.

Willie Beamish:
Man, I’m so bored I can’t stand it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, I know. I’m f***ing bored.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Full Motion Video, my ass. I’d rather it be full f***ing screen!

Team Leader:
I don’t believe what I just saw.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I know, this game sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So this is the Sega CD. It’s a load of ass. You just pop it onto the side of the Genesis like some deformed Siamese twin or something. You ever see Basket Case?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So there’s this problem: the load time. Load of sh*t. You could go dump your ass in the time it takes. So if you’re playing the Sega CD, grab a beer and be patient.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Jurassic Park] Well, this one can’t be too bad. Remember the Genesis game? Running around, trying to get away from dinosaurs? Well this one is nothing like that. It’s just one of those point-and-click games. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go and I get so bored with it I shut it off before I even get to a single dinosaur. I want some dinosaurs, dammit.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You’re just going around, beating the sh*t out of animals. Yeah, punch’em. Damn bats. F***ing b*tches. Kick’em in the face. F***ing rats. So this game is pretty funny.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now we got Wonder Dog. We start with this long, drawn-out cartoon about this overly-happy kid is walking with his dog, everything’s fine. Then some guy shows up, takes the kid away, then the dog goes inside his big… metal dick with balls where he conveniently finds a costume and becomes Wonder Dog. So now we get to the actual game and you’re just throwing stars at rabbits. Yeah, kill those f***ing rabbits.

The Angry VIdeo Game Nerd:
I can’t touch that red pot?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know, there’s really no point in going on. It’s not like there’s a reward like a pot of gold sitting on the TV. When you beat the game, it probably just says, “The End”. So, to keep on playing it, you have to be a f***ing nerd. [keeps playing]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Every time you die, this appears: this image of Silver Surfer mourning in defeat. This image will be burned into your retina, and how appropriate; this image sums up more than words my feelings on this game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game is so hard, it would be easier to go out into a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain! It would be easier to walk barefoot without your toes and heels touching the floor! It would be easier to pick fly sh*t out of pepper… while wearing boxing gloves! The fact that you can hit only once pretty much means that you’re weaker than every enemy in the game! How do you die from just touching a wall? I can understand if he’s flying at 200 miles per hour, and he crashes into a wall, but the fact that he just touches a wall and dies is just ridiculous! I never read any of the comics, so I don’t know what Silver Surfer’s powers are, but isn’t he supposed to be pretty strong? So why’d they make him into a wimp? Why is he f***ing up rubber ducks and weeping like a crybaby? It’s like some sort of f***ing joke. Like, what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It’s a f***ing insult! This game should have been classic! Instead, it’s worthless! It’s as worthless as this f***ing LJN poster I’ve got here! Man, I would just piss and sh*t all over this F***ING game! In fact, just thinking about it makes me want to have an anal evacuation!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is the grand champion of hard motherf***ing games! It doesn’t f*** around.

Spider-Man:
This game sucks my spider balls!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Don’t worry, Spider-Man, its only a game. Here, have a beer.

Spider-Man:
I don’t want this corporate bullshit.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Its Rolling Rock.

Spider-Man:
[pours it out] Its Sh*t Rock. Stick to the local brew.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas everyday.

Spider-Man:
I’m gonna f***ing shove a pizza up your f***in’ ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What are you doing on my f***ing ceiling?

Spider-Man:
Alright this guy’s f***ing impossible. Get over here, you f***ing son of a b*tch! [character dies] What the f*** is wrong with these game designers? They don’t know what the f*** they’re doing. I can’t believe they did this to me. They made a game out of me and its f***ing sh*t! It’s horrible!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a suicide button on the controller! What the f***?

Spider-Man:
What do you expect? You’re f***ing jumping while you’re trying to hang on to a building.

Spider-Man:
But is it necessary to kill him? In all honesty, do we have to kill everybody we see?

Spider-Man:
Alright, goddammit! There’s nothing over here, what the f***’s the point of this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Alright, well here’s the first level of the game. You have to deliver pizzas.

Spider-Man:
They put that in the video game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s pretty weird, you delivered pizzas before, right?

Spider-Man:
No, no. I never did that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, you did. In the movie Spider-Man 2…

Spider-Man:
I did that at one point, but I don’t want people f***ing knowing about that.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You ever have to break a window to deliver a pizza?

Spider-Man:
Well not on PURPOSE.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, you died.

Spider-Man:
Well you’re talking to me.

Spider-Man:
See, now you’re being Spider-Man.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[player is killed] Sh*t.

Spider-Man:
Now you’re f***ing being dead.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ah, LJN. What we’re dealing with here is a shitty, game-making machine. It’s really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games. That’s all.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You might as well be trapped in a fishbowl.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s always funny how the shark’s name has always been Jaws, even though nobody ever called it that in the movie.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Jaws’ power goes down slower than the hairs on a moose’s scrodum.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What a waste of time. Isn’t that the whole point of a video game? To waste time? Well, the entertainment you get from this f*** heap is more shallow than a puppy dog’s piss puddle! You’d have a more entertaining time seperating a pile of Whoppers from a pile of rabbit duties!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I didn’t even move the length of a gnat’s dick!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These jellyfish are coming from Hell, and it’s a long way from Hell for them to not make their mark!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They lure you down there with stuff like crabs and starfish. But no! You gotta tell that ocean floor to go f*** itself! I don’t want your starfish and crabs!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s one of those little orange submarines. Yeah, you know, the ones that are way smaller than people and have an unlimited supply of amo?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
We’re gonna need a bigger ass… to sh*t out this f***ing turd!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Lookie-lookie! I’ve got Hookie!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s amazing how many games in the NES library try to be side-scrollers and fail.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These look like logs of sh*t! Yeah, I know, sh*t; it’s getting old. Maybe you can say that they’re… granola bars that are all soggy?… because they’ve been sitting in a toilet too long?… next to a pile of sh*t?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Super Schindler’s List 3D? Nah, I’m just kidding. It’s Jurrassic Park.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who are you playing as? Smokey Bear? That’s kinda scary. Smokey Bear with a gun.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow. That is one gymnastic raptor.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What does it say on the floppy disks? “Dump”? It says “Dump”? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s nice to be playing a game that resembles a scene in the movie, but who’s driving the car? I don’t see any hands. Are you a ghost? Why would a T-Rex be chasing a ghost? There’d be no meat to eat. I guess the hand could be on the bottom part of the wheel or driving with the knee or something, but that’s some casual driving for someone who’s being chased by a f***ing T-Rex!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even though this game says “E.T. Go Come” on the cover, it is not the “E.T.” game. Oh, no. Now, I need to make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don’t have to, but there’s one game I never play.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing the Sega CD version of Jurassic Park] This is a good game to play if you want to fall asleep.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know what kinds of games I like? Good ones?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Does this game suck? You bet Jur-ASS-ic sucks!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[after a chessy fight with a Klingon] Phew! Well, lesson learned. Don’t say anything bad about Klingon’s. Klingon’s don’t f*** around.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Shall I add the repellent to our inventory, Sir? Yes or No?” Well, yes! Why would I say “no”? It’s like my crew is out of their f***ing minds!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Here’s the thing about the Vectrex. There was no color, but each game came with an overlay. You slide it over the screen, and there you go. I fail to see the point.

[last lines]

[while shooting the Metron in the face]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Mercy this, motherf***er!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is it? You want Genesis? [holds up a Sega] You can have Genesis.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
One thing that’s incredibly annoying is this loud buzzing sound. It reacts to the graphics. It’s caused by a lack of shielding between the ray tube and the speaker wiring. It’s penetrating my auditory nerves, I must deactivate this game’s power supply. [turns the Vectrex off]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So you talk to some of the natives and they’re like “Sure! We don’t care, you crazy spacemen from the distant future who we’ve never seen before! Go ahead and raid our holy temple.” In fact, they even offer to help make a repellent for the blood worms in the forest. It’s like “Hey, you wanna rob my house? Here’s the key!” Most illogical.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
First you gotta find a library card, then you gotta get back your lost communicator and you zap two guys find a diamond, you exchange it with the shop owner for a marked deck of cards, then you find a bone on the sidewalk and a gumball from some guy with a dog, then you find a hair pin, then you find a stick, you gotta put the gumball on the end of the stick, put it in the gutter and fish out some coins, then you talk to a bar tender and get Oxmyx’s phone number, give him the diamond in exchange for some plates, you take the plates to the police, use the hairpin and the bone to open up the door, find counterfeit money, use the coins on the phone booth, give the operator the number, go in to talk to Oxymyx about the communicator, he tells you to go to Cracklin’s place, he tells you Bonehead Malone has the communicator, you go to the casino, you give Bonehead the money, you give him your marked deck of cards and you get the communicator!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I have a bad feeling about this.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is worse than a piece of sh*t. It’s a whole sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
One thing that’s kind of annoying is that if you fall from too great a height, you take damage. Does that happen in Super Mario Bros.? No, it doesn’t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Those conveyor belts can go f*** a dick.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s this? The program engineer shows his face? I wish it was Fred Fuchs.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in any of the movies? Did Darth Vader say to Luke, “I am your father… and I am also a f***ing scorpion.” No! It’s not true. That’s impossible! Why does Darth Vader turn into a f***ing scorpion? That doesn’t even happen in the Special Editions. There is no version of Star Wars in this universe or timeline or any other… I’m sure of it… where Darth Vader turns into… a f***ing scorpion. I need a beer.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay, I guess he’s going into Moss Isley. That’s the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets Han Solo, but one thing I didn’t know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? That’s quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets the bar so fast, I’ll bet Han and Greedo were still talking at that table, like who shot first? Han or Greedo? Whatever. But actually, neither one of them shot first! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder right after Han says, “Over my dead body.” Boom! All of a sudden, Luke comes through crashing with the f***ing landspeeder! I want to see that in the next special editiion!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Is that Darth Vader breathing or is that the sound of the ocean?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The odds of successfully navigating through this f*** heap are 3,720 to 1.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The NES got a different kind of Star Wars game. Wait, no LJN? It’s a movie-based game, it’s on Nintendo, and it wasn’t made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Here’s Empire Strikes Back, it starts out on Hoth, like the movie. [a text box with Obi-Wan Kenobi appears] What’s this? “The lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi”? Yeah, thanks. Thanks for interrupting the game to tell me that. Might as well tell me, “cows go moooooooooo.”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, that’s my beer droid.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Did that blast just come from its ass? Are these Walkers or are they dogs shitting out airborn turds?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The object of the game is to get closer to the Death Star so you can destroy it, but unfortunately there’s a dance floor in space that stretches out for an infinite number of lightyears. You have to wait for a hole to appear, you go through the hole, and now you engage the Death Star. Going with the dance theme, I think this would be a better game if you were trying to destroy a giant disco ball. Yeah, the storyline is that disco is coming back and you gotta stop it. It would be called “Disco F*** Yourself”, but now I’m just thinking out loud.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Of course, we had to stop somewhere, and there’s a whole galaxy of Star Wars related games, and this could have gone on and on. There’s Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Accademy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefron, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blasters, Star Wars Pod Racer, Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cookin’, Storm Trooper Tennis, Jabba’s Farts Unleashed, that was a good one, Wedge’s Wedgie Attack, Fishing for Akbars, Super Sith Sh*t Toss: Tournament Edition, Boba Fett’s Name Game where you find his game in the f***ing movies, Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie…

[a buffalo takes a big sh*t in the window]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[screams] Oh my God! A f***ing buffalo took a f***ing sh*t in my f***ing window! Oh, God! There’s sh*t all over the place! I gotta clean this f***ing sh*t up! What the f***, man?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Once you get a clear shot to the center, it’s time to go boom. It’s gonna go boom. It’s Atari, I know, it’s gonna go boom. BOOM!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It figures, of all the scenes from the movie they could have chosen, they had to go with the space scene. Why? Because Atari loves space! The best way to describe Atari is “Spaceship shoot lazer! Boom!” That’s it. Just the amount of games with the word “star” is overwhelming, or damn, “space”! What was this? The f***ing Space Age of gaming? If this game was called “Star Wars”, it would seem like any other Atari game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s one way to make more money! Split ’em up into two different games!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a giant dance floor in space stretching out for eternal light years.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Instead of “use the force”, it’s “chooser the force”. Very clever.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I saw it explode and collapse! How did it regenerate itself?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You never thought you’d beat a game like that! Not without the “Beat-a-Game” button!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
We’re gonna play a bunch of Star Wars games. The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action set pieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases, they had loveable characters, great storylines and a classic mythology that was ripe for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So how could they f*** that up? Let’s find out.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the hell is this sh*t? There’s metalic sea sponges everywhere! There’s titanium rocket jog straps, headless parrots with bottle caps, floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How did this happen? Oh, this is the year, 2010! This was all forseen in the game, Street Fighter 2010!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
In 5 years, we’re gonna have hoverboards and automatic lace-up shoes! It better happen! If it doesn’t, they should have had it be the year, 3000. Or at least 2100. It doesn’t matter. We’re all gonna be dead anyway. Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who would have thought that Street Fighter’s past would take place in the future, which is now the present?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
We’re gonna be doing hadukens in space! We’re gonna be doing sonic booms on the moon! We’re gonna do sharukens up Uranus! F*** Street Fighter 4! This is Street Fighter 2010!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There are no streets in space, but there are definately fights.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The Japanese version had less to do with Street Fighter? As in nothing?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Street Fighter seemed to be the only franchise to have a game with it’s own series.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s no wonder nobody ever played the first Street Fighter, but they changed the name of the title to Fighting Street. That doesn’t make any sense. But at least you get to play as classic characters like, Ryu, George Washington and Abe Lincoln.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Come on! Do a Shuryuken! Shuryuken! More like Shure-you-can’t. It’s no wonder nobody remembers this game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The irony is stunning, and I’m nerding the f*** out of myself!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’m getting murdered! I’m getting butt-f***ed up the dick!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So that’s five bosses, all in the same life bar and the same time limit!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The final boss looks like a big festering ball sack that swallowed Grimace.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You have to 1. Beat all the bosses without getting hurt that much, 2. Get all the powerups, and 3. Do it as fast as sh*t! But once you do it, man, you’re on top of the world!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Let’s play charades. Who am I? [immitates Pitfall Harry] If you guessed Pitfall Harry, then you’re right.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Super Pitfall”. Probably one of the most disgraceful names of the word “super” in video game history. You wanna know why? You wanna know how this game super sucks? You wanna know how they cranked up the diarhea dial? Just watch.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
My only theory behind this is that there is an angel or a devil waiting to take him to either Heaven or Hell. It’s first come, first serve, and they both want him real bad! So they’re constantly there waiting for him to die, and then as soon as he dies, they both grab his arms fighting over his body.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Are frogs a common hazard in a jungle? Has anyone ever died from being attacked by a frog? And he has a gun? Who the hell goes around shooting frogs?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The graphics always flicker. There’s always something popping up at the edge of the screen like the NES can’t handle it’s awesomeness.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[seeing a red clone of Harry] Who the hell is that supposed to be? The ghost of Pitfall Larry?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So I’m going around getting suits of spades, hearts and diamonds. What kind of purpose do these items have? What am I supposed to do? Play poker with her?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, sh*t! What the f*** is that? That’s f***ing scary! You’re just walking around, and then a head run amok from Easter Island comes flying towards you!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How the f*** is a kid from 1987 without Internet supposed to figure out how to beat this game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Don’t you just love games that just end with a black screen with plain text? At least they spelled “Congratulations” right. The third line’s a little off center, but other than that, I don’t see any errors. I guess that’s why they kept it so short. They knew they’d f*** it up. But the last sentence mystifies me. “Please try another world”? What other world? As far as I know, it’s the second quest, but it’s the same exact game. The only difference is that the items are all in different spots, and after that, the game just keeps repeating like that over and over and over again like a never-ending Easter egg hunt, but that would be like if the Easter eggs were full of diarhea, and the Easter was shitting all over your face! But I’ve had enough with bunnies and sh*t lately, so I’m gonna end it right here.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[a green clone of Pitfall Harry appears] Oh, must be Pitfall… um, Gary.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! *No!* It’s a shitty game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s enough from me. This game is just so awful that it can’t be explained. I could review it for another hour, and it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s an un-reviewable game. It cannot be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning, you will not be happy.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“Haven’t you seen the movie, Superman?” Yeah, I did, actually, and it’s nothing like this garbage!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You have a map screen, which looks like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there are times when you have to use the subway train. “Oops! You can’t ride the subway with no pass!” What are you kidding me? He’s Superman! He needs to buy a f***ing ticket? It’s like, yeah, we know you’re trying to save the city , but you still need to pay for your ride. Why does he even need to use the subway? Can’t he just fly? Why go underground? That’s the complete opposite of flying! That’s like if Spider Man wanted to go from building to building, he’d just go down to ground level and just walk. That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Is this a Superman game? Flying through rings? Is that the best they could come up with? That’s like if they made a Batman game where all he does is play hopscotch!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Looks like Superman’s stroking his super dick.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What kind of game is this? Is this some sort of insanity test?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
See? I just f***ed around too much, so I might as well just kill myself. See that building over there? I’m gonna fly into it.

[he does so and gets stuck]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, that didn’t do a damn thing. You mean you can’t die? Of course, not. You’re just stuck in limbo until the time runs out.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You all probably know better than I, and it goes without saying, but this game… is horrendous!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s actually better than the Nintendo version, but that’s not saying much; that’s like saying the sh*t I took last night was better than the sh*t I took the day before!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The games came on floppy disks. Yeah, remember those? The ones that actually were floppy?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Let’s pop this f***er in, turn this son of a b*tch on, and play some Superman.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[inserts game cartridge] Here goes. I’m turning on the power. First, we’re greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. [Misreads the name Titus] ‘Tit-us’? What the f*** is that?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh this is ass. This is really ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s like the equivalent of sh*t taking a sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh this is the shits. This IS the shits.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[wondering where the remaining prizes are today, assuming they’re in the possession of Atari’s new owner] Somebody’s gotta find out. The real Swordquest for that sword and the other treasures, they belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance to win it. It was something to dream about. But that dream has been thrown down the toilet. It’s thirty years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can’t have earth, fire and water without air. The balance of the cosmos must be restored. The true bearer of that sword must be found. The kingdom of Nerdom depends on it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the game. That’s what I call a promotion; you’d be wearing your Swordquest T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice, with your crown, philosopher’s stone and sword, and not to mention your Swordquest video game cartridges exclusive from Atari.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Oh, you f*** rat. This is just a bunch of cock-a-dookie. This is bullf***.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Oh, you son of a f***!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
April O’Neil says ‘you have my support’. Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearing b*tch.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
You know what pisses me off? They’re turtles for f*** sakes. They can’t even swim?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Cowabunga. Cowa-f***ing piece of dog sh*t! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a f***ing ooze infested dirty rat sh*t! I’ve had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder’s my ass, and Splinter’s my balls! This game is an inside out a**hole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I’d rather yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I’d rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo’s anus! It sucking f***s, it f***ing sucks, it f***ing blows, it’s a piece of sh*t… and I don’t like it.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Why does this jump have to be so close to the ceiling? F*** this game! And you know what pisses me off? Every time you fall down, you have to walk through the entire room all over again. All the enemies come back, so you have to fight everybody all over again. Now, if you get the pizza, the pizza doesn’t come back, only the bad guys. What a shitload of f***! I mean, you can’t even develop a strategy, because the enemies keep changing. It’s completely random.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Whoa, dudes, this game’s like a total bummer. What a joke! F***!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Okay, all that just for a pizza? Pizza sh*t!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So here’s a pop quiz: who is the target audience for this game? Kids. Kids who are fans of Ninja Turtles. Now, you’d think they would have more Ninja Turtles characters in the game like Baxter Stockman, The Rat King, Krang… I mean, it’s not like Krang was a minor character that came in the fifth season of the show, Krang was right there from the beginning. So, there’s like, no excuse. There was no excuse not to have him there. Instead, make way for, uh… the missile balloons, flying robot heads, those little butterfly things, Mr. Fire Man… and why don’t you hear the Ninja Turtles theme song anywhere in the game? What a piece of sh*t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Who’s that guy with the chainsaw anyway? Remember him from Ninja Turtles? I sure don’t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So, you have to swim around and deactivate all these bombs, and there’s so many things out to kill you and you have a time limit so naturally you’re rushing to make it through as fast as you can. And all these electric plants hurt you so you need alot of patience. But how could you have patience when you’re in a f***ing hurry? F***!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So you may be, like, ‘come on, it’s the first of its kind. Go easy on it.’ But, no. It sucks. It sucks ass from a straw, and you wanna know why? Well, where do I begin?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
And look at this sh*t right here. These spike walls come at you like an Indiana Jones booby trap and some game designer who’s laughing their ass off just decided to put a pizza down there. Okay, well, what’s the point? I mean, are you going to be suicidal enough to try and get that pizza? I mean, who’s gonna do that? It’s impossible. What a joke.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Why is this game so hard? It’s for kids. Have mercy.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
F*** this game.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Can I get up? Can I get up? No. God f***ing damn… get the f*** up there! Get up there! F***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[opening lines] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III sucks sh*t. Not even regular sh*t. Putrid, barfed-out, roadkill, diarrhea sh*t. Now you might be saying, “well that your opinion.” Well, yeah, it is my opinion that it’s a motherf***ing FACT that this pile of dogshit called Ninja Turtles III is the most godawful disgrace in human existance.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What an ass load of f***.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now I can tell you from the perspective of a 12 year old and a 26 year old that it needs to rot in hell, in Satan’s a**hole.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Remember back to the late ’80s and the beginning of the ’90s. If you weren’t there, try to imagine it. Ninja Turtles were the f***ing sh*t. I mean they were awesome, and everyone I knew couldn’t get enough of them, even though it was everywhere.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now how’s the third movie begin? Well the turtles just come in dancing to ZZ Top. No build up, no scenerio, no f***ing thought whatsoever. Now, just look at the turtles. They look like sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I just held the truth inside and it’s been tearing away at me all these years. But now, looking back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. This movie is F***ING TERRIBLE!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s hammer time! [smashes tape to pieces]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What a way to end the series. Would there be a follow up? Would there be a Turtles 4? F*** no. Not after that.

Donatello:
I think I swallowed a frog. I hope it wasn’t an ancestor.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
He swallowed a frog and he hopes it’s not an ancestor. Guess that’s why they’re turtles.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Was I expecting The Addams Family? No, I wasn’t. The Addams Family is probably the last f***ing thing that would ever come to my mind when I think of Ninja Turtles.

Donatello:
Help, I’m a turtle and I can’t get up.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This line was in the commercials too and even worse, I distinctly remember in the theater that everyone laughed. I mean, come on, it’s not funny.

Donatello:
Help, I’m a turtle and I can’t get up. [AVGN laughs]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Okay, I’m back.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know what other part I can’t stand? This. That turtle-duck thing is really getting old. I mean, it was cool the first time, but come on, that’s enough of that sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So is there anything I like? Well I kinda hate to admit it, but when they’re dancing to Tarzan Boy, that’s the highlight of the movie.

April:
Whoa, it’s Star Trek time, guys.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s Star Trek time.

Donatello:
It’s hammer time!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh God.

Michaelangelo:
What if we make, like, a cosmic u-turn and end up back in Godzilla-land?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Funny, get it? Japan? Godzilla-land?

Raphael:
Did you hear what he called me, Leo?

Leonardo:
Yeah, an ugly lump of dung.

Raphael:
Well… that was an insult, Leo!

Donatello:
Not necessarily, Raph, did you know that in some countries, dung is used as a fuel source?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, so that makes it a whole lot better. He called Raph a fuel source. Guess that’s what he meant too.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The recurring joke is “wet willy time.”

Raphael:
It’s wet willy time.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Pretty bad.

Donatello:
Wow! A leg-o-rama!

Donatello, Leonardo:
Schwing!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No comment there.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Cowabunga. Cowa-f***ing piece of dog sh*t! I’d rather watch crap oozing out of a buffalo’s a**hole. I’d rather f***ing puke diarrhea up my dick. It f***ing sucks so much f***ing suck it f***s! It f***ing sucks so much cocksucker motherf***er bullf*** that… well, something must be done. [Slices the VHS tape in half with a katana]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I swear, I don’t even plan this. It just so happens that LJN holds the monopoly behind shitty games.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“LJN proudly presents…” Oh, I bet!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s the first part of the game, and already, I’m f***ing sick of it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who is this guy, and why is he taller than you? Aren’t you supposed to be the Terminator? Arnold f***ing Schwarzenegger? It does underestimate the hugeness.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You collect these bombs that look like… I don’t know, a headless chicken holding a dead rat?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You put the bombs in this thingamaf***er.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s treating us like a f***ing dog! Go get the ball! Huhuhuh! Go get it again! F***ing dickwads.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, come on! That killed me? I landed on the pipe, not the lava! If that pipe was meant to kill me, then why not make it look the same as the lava?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The thought of getting through the entire game once without dying is ludicrous!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The game starts out where we see a naked Arnold, and they censor him Austin Powers style. Now that’s funny.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look at the jump. What is this? It’s like he’s a marionette or he’s being hung by an invisible rope! Holy lord! That is some f*** right there! Look at him go! I can’t see the reasoning behind it. You can’t make it look funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator and made him into a mockery. It’s a f***ing joke. And I’m not doing this just to be funny, it’s because of how slow he walks. The only way to move any faster is to hop around like a f***ing idiot.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, man! A head on collision with a truck and a motorcycle… and the truck explodes!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Without hesitating, I can safely say, this is the worst driving stage I have ever played in my entire life! Roger Rabbit was bad. Dick Tracy was horrible, and at the time, I thought that was the worst, but now that I’ve played this, all I can say is, “Wow.” It takes the cake!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They really stuck to that format, didn’t they?: Play the whole game in one go. It’s unthinkable.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Choose the right fate, and terminate this son of a b*tch!

James, Age 8:
Come on. That stupid man, he wouldn’t walk.

James, Age 8:
Oh great. Why’d ya hafta do that?

James, Age 8:
Grrrrr! I lose every game!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What dumb shits came up with this game? They should have sent it to the Marx Brothers!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why the f*** would anyone even think of going through a wall? Is there ever such a thing as a door?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
By this point, I also really have to say, using two controllers is a pain in the ass. Unless you’re Goro. I’d recommend two sets of hands or two players.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Man, having to solve all these puzzles, it sort of makes you feel like… Indiana Jones. Well, they got me there.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger and walks like he just dumped ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’d rather drink buffalo shizz. It’s a combination of sh*t and jizz. That’s foul, I apologize.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[playing Karate Kid] F***! F***! F***! F***! F***!

[slow-mo with word spelled out]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
FUUUCCCK!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that’s the question everyone has asked theirselves, and they all have the same answer: Because you’re angry, and you want to win. You want to beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
This game is ASS!

James D. Rolfe:
Now, while I’m playing the game, I’m also recording it onto a DVD recorder. Every system I have is connected to the DVD recorder, and then of course goes to the TV so I can see it. How do you connect this many systems to one thing? It’s a mess. It is not reccommended. What I do is a lot of these use coaxial cables, which suck. You can see right over there, they go into a splinter which goes into the back of a VCR here, and for all the ones that use these RCA composite cables, they go into these different switchers. We have Switcher A, Switcher B, and Switcher C. Now, it is very hard to keep track of this, so that’s why I have a chart, and this helps me keep track. Say, for example, I want to play the CDI, I don’t know why I’d ever want to play that again, but it would go to Switcher C, which’ll be set to 4, VCR will be set to Line 2, and the DVDR will be set to Line 1. The AC adapters are an outstanding mess; I do not recommend this. You could risk an electrical hazard, but I’ve been doing it pretty safely, because I have surge protectors, I never turn on more than one system at a time, and when they’re not in use, I turn them off.

James D. Rolfe:
You see, this game is giving me some possibilities, but I’m not an improv kind of guy; I gotta go through it. I can’t just play it at once and spit out creative gold; I gotta go through it and develop it some.

James D. Rolfe:
How long does the whole process take? Well, it depends on the video, it depends on the game, it depends on the level of production. I’d say on an average, probably 30 to 40 hours for one video. I always keep an hourly log for every video I do, because you see, for me, it’s like a game to see if I can beat my record. The Dragon’s Lair video is one of the shorter ones; that one only took me 16 hours. The ROB the Robot video, now that one took me 122 and a half hours! While I was editing the ROB video, while I was animating all those lazers and sh*t, I had time to listen to every single one of these Iron Maiden CD’s, plus the live albums! That’s how long it took!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the sh*t-seaking gamer who decides to play Barbie on the NES! We all know that most video games were targeted at young boys, so here’s one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ever want to play this? Because I’m pathetic, and I’m asking for Hell!

James D. Rolfe:
Now, since Day 1, fans have expressed genuine interest in knowing what goes into making an episode, and many of you have asked perfectly legit questions on my site, Cinemassacre.com. I think one of the reasons I’ve held off on doing this for so long is because I kind of just take for granted that there is a lot that goes into making these videos. See, for me, I don’t really think about it that much, and I’ve made over 100 episodes, and I’ve become very efficient at it, so to me, it’s like the same way I don’t think about brushing my teeth. You know, I do it so many times.

James D. Rolfe:
Now, the whole fate of the video, whether it turns out good or not, it all depends on the choice of game. You know, it has to be bad, but it has to have some funny things to say about it and everything.

James D. Rolfe:
For some reason, the games that always seem to turn out the best, I think, are the NES games. I don’t know why, it just seems like NES is like my safe zone.

James D. Rolfe:
Now, there’s two kinds of games. There’s games that I remember from my youth, and there are games that I just found out about, like the Atari porn games for example. I didn’t know about those when I was a kid. I had a hit list, you know, in the beginning of games that I wanted to do, but then there’d be new discoveries that would come along all the time, you know. I’d get some requests, and the requests help me steer my decision. You know, like, I’d go to a game that I always wanted to do, like Jaws was one of them, and Fester’s Quest, I wanted to do that from the beginning, but then I’d find out about a game like Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties, and I’d be like, “Oh, wow! That will make a good one!”

James D. Rolfe:
No matter how simple, every video involves the same steps: playing the game, writing the script, shooting the video and recording the voice-over, and editing the video. It’s never been any different. You can’t just hit record and have everything happen instantaneously. We can try it, though.

James D. Rolfe:
If I think, “Yeah, this is workable. I can do this.” Then, that’s when it goes from casual gaming to making a Nerd episode! So this is the point of no return!

James D. Rolfe:
A lot of people have asked why I don’t use emulators, and I know that on emulators there are ways to cheat and skip through the game, but that’s not the point; I need to sit and really play it. Also, I just couldn’t see myself hunched over at a keyboard playing. No. Playing the game is sitting back on a couch with a controller in your hand. This is it. This is the real deal.

James D. Rolfe:
Playing the game is the easy part; now comes writing the script. This is the most unpredictable phase of the whole production, because it depends on what kind of mood I’m in.

James D. Rolfe:
I don’t want to go too in-depth, because if I describe the game too much, I start to sound like an instruction manual. I want it to be funny too, but being funny is the hardest part, because it has to come naturally. I can’t really force humor.

James D. Rolfe:
Swearing is a Nerd tradition, but it has exhausted it’s vocabulary. Words are words.

James D. Rolfe:
As you can see, I’ve got plenty of Nerd shirts because they get f***ed up all the time. Blood stains, sh*t stains, missing buttons, whatever.

James D. Rolfe:
As far as lighting goes, I’ve used all kinds of lighting in the Nerd videos, even something as simple as a desk lamp with a piece of paper to soften it. And I’ve used the pro light here in most of them, so whatever you want to use, just try experimenting. I’ve used all kinds of different lighting in the Nerd videos, and achieved all kinds of different results.

James D. Rolfe:
Sometimes, I have friends helping out, but most of the time, I’m a one man crew.

James D. Rolfe:
That should be pretty good, and… Forgot the pens, almost. Actually, they’re sharpies, but you won’t believe how many times I’ve done takes and realized I forgot the pens. Oh yeah, it happens!

James D. Rolfe:
Lots of people have asked what kind of editing software I use. Well, use whatever works for you, but what I use is Final Cut Pro, that’s what I’ve been using for the past six years or so. Before that, I used Adobe Premeire, I’ve used Avid, but then I went Mac and never went back!

James D. Rolfe:
These are my archives, these big ass books full of DVD’s. So I got the book and page number: book 5, and page 59. And there it is. Like I said, I record every game I play, and it always comes in handy later. Like say I want to show the ending to Super Metroid, that could take a long time to play, but I’ve already got it recorded. In the old days, I used to record one VHS until I started getting more serious. If I want to use a clip from a previous Nerd episode, like Simon’s Quest for the nine-millionth time, I can go onto one of my hard drives, and here, I have access to all Nerd episodes. And if I really need some old raw footage, I still have my old mini DV tapes.

James D. Rolfe:
One time, Mike and I were at a bar, and we were talking to Dave Willis from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, he’s the voice of Meatwad and Carl, and we were asking him about effects, and he said, “Just do it in Photoshop!” and that’s something I’ve lived by ever since. Photoshop is like duct tape; it fixes everything!

James D. Rolfe:
After everything is done, it’s still not done. It’s never done when I think it is.

James D. Rolfe:
Usually, somebody would catch some mistake I made. Like the funniest one I can think of is in the Street Fighter 2010 video, where I was describing the final boss, and I said he looked like Grimace from Sesame Street. Grimace is not from Sesame Street, he’s from McDonald’s, so luckily, someone caught that.

James D. Rolfe:
I’m always listening to music while I’m working on a video, unless it’s involving voice-over or any kind of audio. Music is the only thing that keeps me sane.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wonder if this is supposed to be a real human Barbie or a plastic doll Barbie. From the way she moves, I’d say she’s a plastic doll.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So the whole game is basically her dream, in case you ever want to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that’s been overtaken by a poltergeist!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wonder if there’s any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie’s really f***ed up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don’t dream this sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The wallpaper is covered in teddy bears, roses and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can’t help but notice how many balls are in this game! They’re everywhere! I guess the meaning behind this is that Barbie is so obsessed with Ken’s balls!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I just got my ass handed to me by a Barbie game! This game was made for little girls, and I can’t even get passed the first few stages! F*** this game! F***ing Barbie, you plastic, pink, mall-shopping, bimbo-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, hair-brained piece of sh*t! Go to Hell!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Eat my shorts. Eat’em good. Right after I took a shitty diarrhea dump.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Don’t you wish you could go around killing aliens, instead of making purple objects NOT purple? Why not just f***ing sh*t all over and make everything brown?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You motherf***er. I went right through it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That’s quite a lesson in geography: China, Egypt, the North Pole and Hollywood. Pretty f***ing educational. When I was a kid, my world was video games. Locked in my room playing Bart vs. The Space Mutants and all this crap. I’ve wasted all my time on this sh*t. I want it back. Ruined my life.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Bart’s my ass and Krusty’s my balls. F*** this sh*t, now I’m gonna eat my own shorts.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The plot is basically Bart won a trip around the world by drawing some shitty picture of Krusty the Clown for an art contest and now Mr. Burns wants the Simpsons wiped off the face of the earth.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh look, there’s Maggie. What do I do here? Okay, a boat comes and explodes? I don’t get it. Now, where do I go? I’m stuck here. Maggie, can ya help? No? Suck my ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s really funny how people just casually walk by. If I was walking through a mall and I saw giant bouncing donuts and killer marshmallows, walking shoes, spring jumping shoes, moonwalking shoes, paper bags with legs, paper bags with scary f***ing heads, and killer towels, I think I would sh*t my pants. Sh*t would come out of my ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
D’oh!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What a piece of f***ing dog sh*t! Making a game based off of the first Terminator movie was quite a deal. The movie was film noir, action, science-fiction and time travel all thrown into a blender, but the game was like using that same blender to put cat piss, horse dump and pig vomit! Yeah, that’s a shake you don’t want!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You’re jumping around on half-disappeared blocks, q-tips and pipes. What is this, Super Mario Bros.?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It really fails in the auditory department. If your ears could puke, they would.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This game is like a cheating, spoiled, rotten kid, and you have to let it win!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Six? Only six? Okay, I gotta be honest. It’s only one digit; I didn’t expect more than nine, but why a random number like six? That means that some f***ed up masochist actually programmed it that way, made a decision: “Hmm, let’s see… Well, anything more than six. That’s too much.” F***ing a**hole!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If you’re gonna make a game where you can’t shoot the ground, don’t have enemies that are on the f***ing ground! The foreground always gets in the way. How is it fair when I can barely see the enemies? What the f*** are these things anyway? Decepticon d*ldos?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Holy mother and f***ing god sh*t holy maceral god sh*t damn! Why is it not over yet? How long can this first level possibly go? Unless the whole game is like this. I just can’t believe it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
From here on out, things can only get better. The first movie was even better than the first, so we can assume that’s the same for the games. I believe there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. We’ve made it through the storm, and at the end of the storm, there’s a rainbow. A rainbow? Oh no! [looks at the cartridge and sees the LJN logo]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ll be back.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look at that, I have six lives already. So I’m just gonna go to bed, I’m gonna come back and it’s gonna be all maxed out. Now isn’t that a great idea? Yeah, well guess what? I have an even better idea. How about: have f***ing continues! Make me have to put a wrench on a controller. Is that what you want to do with your life? That’s senseless, but that’s what happens, man.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Surprisingly, this game is really hard. Now I can imagine what Kyle Reese and good old Johnny C. had to go through. Just running out into a wasteland full of maniacal machines shooting bombs and lasers at you left and right. There’s sh*t shooting from the sky, sh*t on the ground, there’s sh*t everywhere! You’d get annihilated. Those movies are very unrealistic, there’s no way they could have survived. But the time travel concept, that’s okay.

Narrator:
In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from store shelves, or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity/ For them, an ideal hit movie based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected, nor would they have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doo-doo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game/ Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, the Angry Video Game Nerd.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[looking at a table with video games for sale] What have you got here?

Hillbilly:
Bunch of sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I see. But unfortinatly this is kinda my thing.

Hillbilly:
Batter up, b*tch boy.

Hillbilly:
Well if he don’t like video games, why the f*** is he playing video games?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Let’s pop this sh*t f***er in.

Hillbilly:
I have no idea what that is. I can tell ya what it looks like. It looks like the sh*t stain that’s at the bottom of my drawers right now!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is a sh*t stain on a shitty game! That perfectly sums it all up!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[Referring to the design of Leatherface and his chainsaw] Couldn’t they have at least made the chainsaw a different part of his body? It looks like his arms are tangled together or he has a big jagged dick coming out of his chest. What the hell, man?

Chop Top:
You were right on the money. Right on the ball. Right on my balls!

Chop Top:
F*** you. F*** you, f*** you, f*** you.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f***, man?

Chop Top:
How’d you like to play some Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[muffled] NOOOO!

Hillbilly:
[tying the Nerd’s mouth with a rubber chicken] I guarantee you it’s gonna be better tastin’ that chicken than what’s in store for you next.

Hillbilly:
He’s playin’ that game like he really don’t like it. Ain’t that a shame? Listen to him whimperin’ like a little girl.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[on Fred Savage] Who the hell are you? Go back to the freakin’ Wonder Years, you piece of sh*t.

[repeated line]

Super Mecha Death Christ:
F***ers!

The Angry VIdeo Game Nerd:
The power of Super Mecha Death Christ compels you!

Super Mecha Death Christ:
[bursts in] F***ers! F***ers!

The Angry VIdeo Game Nerd:
Yeah, Super Mecha Death Christ 2,000 B.C. Version 4.0 Beta, b*tch.

Super Mecha Death Christ:
F***ers!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Holy sh*t!

Super Mecha Death Christ:
[zaps him] Watch your f***ing language!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
We annihilated him.

Super Mecha Death Christ:
Yes we did!

[sees the Nerd wearing NES accessories as a costume]

Super Mecha Death Christ:
What the f*** is that sh*t?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, all this sh*t? I’ll tell you all about it.

Demon:
Your mother sucks c*cks in hell.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the f*** did you just say?

Demon:
I said, your mother sucks c*cks in *hell!*

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Ah! Go back to hell, you evil motherf***er!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This part doesn’t f*** around! It’s like, you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell! That’s what it looks like… all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell. There’s sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean this game loves Hell? This game worships the devil! Oh my God! Of course it does! Why are there so many inverted crosses? What’s the H stand for? Hell? How about the part with the tarot cards? The N? Necronomicon? The P must be possession or pentagram! Yeah, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere! It’s no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the seven deadly sins. You kneel before Satin on the block, and after six seconds, you fall through; there’s six arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal you go in the sixth door. That’s 666! Everywhere you look, it’s the number of the beast! In the Wizard, the game’s introduction is basically the Gates of Hell opening! Yeah, Video Armaggedon! The Devil watches you throughout the game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes… yeah, literally, the hills have eyes. Thank heavens, and we know there’s no need to thank Heaven unless there’s the presence of Hell! There’s 8 worlds, in the eighth world, there’s 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands take you down to your doom, there’s 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes 12 jumps to get Bowser to jump down the hole. The eighth letter of the alphabet is H, 5 = E, 12 = L, what’s that spell? Hell! And what’s it sound like when you play the game backwards? This game’s a product of the f***ing devil, and none of the other Mario games are like that, so I don’t know why it’s only this one. So, in conclusion, all I can say is that other than being the total ippedimy of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3 is a good game… so good that it’s a sin!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now Tin Man, what a miserable f***. He raises the shittiness to a whole new level. He can’t duck or jump, at all. That f***ing helps, right? Why not have a character in a platforming jumping game that can’t jump? He’s useless. A complete waste.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Damn, you just plastered the game on my ceiling with your sh*t!

The Cowardly Lion:
With a nuck and a ruff and a f*** and a f***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Hey man, did you just swear?

The Cowardly Lion:
Yeah yeah, f*** you, f*** you, dick, dick, dick, huh huh huh huh.

The Cowardly Lion:
Wipe your ass with Toto.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Here’s the enemy run down: we got blood-thirsty blue birds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird looking dude, flying elephants that are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy and killer chairs. Is this The Wizard of Oz or Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even the hands of a clock can kill you. [holds up clock] Oh my God, here it is! Watch out for the clock! [gets hit]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Come on, you f***ing green b*tch, melt. Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now, what the f***? How am I supposed to get under this flame?

The Cowardly Lion:
Piss on it.

The Cowardly Lion:
Oh, a balloon.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, the animation’s stunning.

The Cowardly Lion:
Looks like a ball sac.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s no place like home. There’s no shitty game like this. I’m serious, it shouldn’t have been made. Like, it’s almost half as bad as Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, and like, I know it’s been 40-something reviews and I’m still talking about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but I’m serious! It’s really almost that bad. F*** this game. Watch it go!

The Cowardly Lion:
What’s that green thing?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t know. Oh, that big emerald is a door?

The Cowardly Lion:
Yeah, yeah, what are you, stupid?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Once you get the two keys, that’s it. No end boss or anything special.

The Cowardly Lion:
Oh that sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s the last stage in the game.

The Cowardly Lion:
Thank f***ing God.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How about Full House? That’s right, FULL HOUSE, the Tiger game! You play as Michelle, I think, going around, slapping high-fives, while fighting against inanimate objects. Apparently, everything in the Tanner household came alive and is trying to kill you. Personally, I prefer the Super Nintendo version of Full House: Tournament Fighter.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Yeah, this Tiger sure rose up to the challenge of its rivals, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it’s not gonna stop! It’s literally a survivor!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s a difference between something that’s old school and something that’s outdated. Old school is like the Atari 2600. The games are primitive, but they’re still fun to play. You can always go back to them. Outdated is something you never want to go back to. Tiger games are so outdated, they were never in-dated! They were a fad! Like POGs! If they were an experiment in the seventies and they only made a few of ’em, then I could accept that. But no! They milked these things for all that they’re worth!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now check this out. Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh boy… [the Nerd tries to open it] Wait, I can’t get it open. Good! God, I hate this sh*t! You know… you know what’s bullshit?

The Bullshit Man:
You know what’s BULLSHIT? [gives the Nerd scissors] Packaging that you need scissors to open. Even with the scissors, it’s still a pain in the ass! Why is this plastic so f***ing strong? This stuff is bulletproof! Nobody wants this sh*t, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially love when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What f***in’ idiots think this is a good idea? They don’t care! By the time you’re having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Thanks, Bullshit Man!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Beyond that, it was a bunch of shitty ports like Mortal Kombat Trilogy. I don’t see Scorpion or Sub-Zero. Trust me, they’re not there. There’s Rain and Reptile. How could you have a Mortal Kombat game without Scorpion or Sub-Zero? And who’d want to play this on a crappy black and white portable console anyway?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that. As if the Virtual Boy isn’t already shitty enough! Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Remember back then when I first warned you about the horrors of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the NES? Well, there were a few other games I mentioned there…

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[in 2004] They’re just, you know rare, obscure games like, y’know, “MC Kids” or uh, “Taxman” or whatever…

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What the hell is Taxman? I didn’t even know what the hell I was talking about! I had too much to drink. What I meant to say was Wall Street Kid, a game about the stock market. Who would ever wanna play a game like that? But it so just happens by some f***ing coincidence there actually is a game called Taxman for the Apple II computer. I’ve heard that there’s nothing much to this game, it’s just a Pac-Man clone. I figured that probably means it’s a game that’s very similar to Pac-Man. I was wrong. By “clone”, they meant “an exact copy”! It’s Pac-Man! Have you played Pac-Man? Then you’ve played Taxman without even knowing it!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about something that I feared since the beginning.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[in 2004] Those little Tiger, like, electronic wrist games, those are better than “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Have we gotten to that point now? Is it time… to scrape the bottom of the toilet bowl of the whole video game industry? Yeah, it’s time to talk about… TIGER GAMES.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It was the cheapest option for a handheld game. You could find them at any store, they were convenient for birthday presents, and each one was its own individual game. You didn’t need to get any other game cartridges to play on them, and all you needed was two AA batteries. The Game Boy, on the other hand, was more expensive, needed four AA batteries, and you’d still need to buy games for it. Tiger was like the poverty version. For a lot of us, it was either this, or nothing; and nobody minded. These things brainwashed us!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They had colorful artwork that looked way better than the sh*t that came on inside the screen. It somehow gave you the impression that you were holding an arcade machine in your hands. The commercials made them look awesome; but really, they were garbage. These games were so mass-produced, it was like a swarm of mosquitos sucking our blood; and we all got bit! The most shameless part of it is that these games tried to be more than what they were. With this kind of technology, they could have stuck to solitaire or video poker. But no, they took it all the way and adapted action-adventure games. They took Konami games, Capcom games, Sega games like Altered Beast, Shinobi, and Sonic The Hedgehog – any video game franchise ended up butchered on one of these things. Any licensed product – movies, TV shows, this Tiger got its claws on everything.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
People have discussions like “are video games art?” or something like that. Well I have a better one: “Are Tiger games video games?” These are a caveman’s version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy. Or just go [imitating the Tiger handheld sounds] eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Yeah, well, [while simulating hand jerking and alternatively flashing the middle finger] eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. J-Just, what the hell – T-These things, how’d they waste so much plastic to make these things? It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It’s proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed His middle name to “F***ing”! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It’s worth a whole lot more! [drinks Rolling Rock]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Yeah, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass, shitting out turturturturturturturtu-t-turd! These are the worst games I’ve ever had the honor of playing – if you even count them as video games!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This thing tried to be hip and cutting edge. It had a stylus pen, making it the first touch-screen game console; and PDA features like a phonebook, a calendar, a calculator, and a built-in solitaire game. You could even connect a dial-up modem into it to access the internet, text-only. I don’t believe it myself. Imagine reading your e-mail on this thing. And you’d have to hook it up to a modem so you couldn’t leave your house anyway… why not just use a computer?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What were they thinking with this shitload of f***? I know what I’m thinking: I might carve a giraffe out of wood and decorate it with Christmas lights so I can put it up in an albatross nest. Did you expect me to say that? Probably not. Neither would you expect this crazy idea of a video game! Case closed! It sucks.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing Dinosaurs handheld game] Listen to that awful music. You’d rather listen to “I’m da Baby. Gotta love me!” Remember that sh*t?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
If Purgatory exists, this is it: Top Gun on the NES.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[screams] Assssss! F***!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
I’d rather fly a cargo plane full of rubber dog sh*t out of Hong Kong.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
This game chews turds. This game sucks your balls off and spits’em up your ass.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Now because I’ve never passed the refueling plane, I’ve never seen the last two levels. So, what I’ve decided to do here is to create my own version of what I think the last two levels may be like. “Mission 3: Blow Sh*t Up.” [shoots Top Gun game cartridge and Top Gun movie poster] “Mission 4: Vent Your Anger and Destroy the TV.” [Nerd screams, punches in TV screen] Hadouken! Sonic Boom! [fires beams into the destroyed TV]

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Anyway, that’s all I have to say about this garbage. F*** balls.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Mission 2: Destroy an Enemy Aircraft Carrier. Alright, fine, as long as I don’t have to f***ing land on it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How’d ya like the graphics? The backgrounds are filled with garbage cans and toilets – sums up this game perfectly.

Lloyd Kaufman:
What you don’t know Nerd is, they cut out the best parts of these backgrounds – we had come-rags, we had used tampons – and those toilets themselves came directly from the set of Steven Spielberg’s A.I. We got a good deal.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I take it he doesn’t like A.I.

Lloyd Kaufman:
I love A.I., look at those toilets!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s just an average sidescrolling shooter. There’s not much to say. You play as characters from the show, firing off sonics, nuts, or throwing microscopes at people. Who the hell throws microscopes at people?

Lloyd Kaufman:
Nerd, nerd, nerd, that is not a microscope. That is actually a replica of Taylor Swift – and that’s the thing with Troma: we’re movies of the future we… we anticipate…

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why’s there always gotta be bats?

Lloyd Kaufman:
These aren’t bats, Nerd! These are cats with wings! When I was a teenager in Tijuana, I – I had some p*ssy with wings. And – and – and – that’s what this is all about man!

Lloyd Kaufman:
Whaddaya talking about? You want something to take a long time to beat? It’d take me a long time to beat off to Justin Bieber man!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Takes a long time.

Lloyd Kaufman:
Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now and I’m not even flaccid.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And what’s really annoying is this yellow Pac-Man ballsack that’s always bouncing around and following Toxie. Why do you need that? You can whack it every now and then with the mop…

Lloyd Kaufman:
That’s Blobbie, man! That’s Blobbie, Toxie’s pet! He’s very important – and by the way, a little film-fact behind the scenes. You know how we made Blobbie for the movie? We took my ballsack, we made a cast of my ballsack, and – and we got Blobbie – it – it did pull off my pubic hair, which is very painful, but you folks out there, in Videoland – can make your own damned Blobbies. And you could be just like George Lucas, sell them at Burger King!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Whoever came up with the idea of using Select to attack can suck the piss out of a platypus’ penis!

Lloyd Kaufman:
Very good alliteration, boy, but I prefer sucking elves’ penises.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Did you say elf or elk?

Lloyd Kaufman:
Both. At the same time.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Whatever, it IS only the 111th f***ing episode.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
And that’s what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game – it’s like putting a golden egg on a mountain of sh*t, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain’t the same. [to Lloyd] And look, that’s your name on it! That’s your name on this game!

Lloyd Kaufman:
I spit on my name! Puy! Puy! Puy!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What you created that’s great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that’d make the Pope weep. They made a mockery your sh*t, man! What’re you gonna do about it?

Lloyd Kaufman:
What am I gonna do about it? What am I gonna do about it? I’m gonna sh*t on this! I’m gonna take a huge dump! Here I go! And I had baked beans for dinner!

Lloyd Kaufman:
F***! Jumpin’ Jesus on a… f***in’ pogo stick! F***! Dick! Quack! Wee-wee! Doodie! F***! F***! F***! F***!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why even give the mop at all? It doesn’t do anything special anyway. It’s not like the sword in Zelda that shoots until you get hit the first time. No, the mop is just another basic short-range attack, you know. And for a guy whose motto is “It’s Clean-Up Time,” he sure doesn’t clean up much. Look at all that waste he leaves lyin’ around!

Lloyd Kaufman:
What do you expect? He doesn’t have his mop!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
As you can see, there is no Optimus Prime, which is kind of stupid. Instead, there’s Rodimous Prime.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look at this. I’m at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The title of the game translates to “The Mystery of Optimus Prime”, which sums it all up as it’s a mystery to why Optimus Prime is not in this game. Instead, it’s Ultra Magnus.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How the f*** can this little thing destroy a giant robot? It’s almost insulting to find out how much of an advantage the enemies have!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Transforming is pretty much the equivalent of saying, “Here, kill me.”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Everything is so small, and moves so fast in so many directions, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that’s spinning on a record player that’s strapped to a cheetah’s back while you’re riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, f*** you! I can’t even touch that little sideways ice cream cone?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Oh, that’s real creative, having the Decepticon logo as a boss. That’s like in the Ghostbusters game. The logo belongs on the f***ing cover!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If Megatron isn’t the final boss, I’m thinking it’s gotta be Galvatron or maybe Unicron or F***atron. Who knows? Oh, it’s Mechagodzilla. I shoulda known.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Who are you?

Optimus Prime:
My name is Optimus Prime.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look, you don’t look like…

[the Nerd gets blasted by Optimus Prime]

Optimus Prime:
I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Could you imagine going to Universal and the lines are that short? That would be your lucky day, that would be like a two minute wait. But no, Woody’s gotta send you away like, “Uh… go away a**hole! [imitates Woody Woodpecker’s laugh] F*** you, you Woody Bunny-f***ing-pecker piece of sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
E.T., yes, the dreaded E.T. made almost 20 years after the so called worst game of all time on the Atari 2600. But would you believe, I sh*t you not, this version is far worse.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I should also mention that the main goal of the entire game is to collect stamps. Yeah, apparently, there’s a big stamp collecting contest going on at Universal, so every time you finish one of the rides, they give you a stamp. So shooting at dinosaurs, flying around in a DeLorean, throwing barrels at sharks, all that is just about winning a stamp collecting contest. If I went on a ride at Universal and they gave me a stamp, I’d be like, “What the hell is this?” I’ll tell you that’s one time at Universal when you’d see me throw something in the trash can or better yet, I’d use the stamp on an envelope that I’d send a letter to the game developers asking them, “How the f*** did you take so many popular franchises and f*** them up so BAD?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Visit Universal Studios Theme Park. Experience the thrill, ride the movies, pick up f***ing trash. The only theme park on Earth where you get to clean up after everybody else. Nothing gets you closer to the movies than wearing funny hats and collecting stamps. Book your trip now. But seriously, the park’s dirty, we need someone to clean it up.

But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know, in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there’s volcanoes and sh*t and then you’re riding the bike with E.T. and then the… the truck comes and almost hit you and then you’re on the waterfall and… then the T-Rex comes out and then… and then f***ing Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there’s earthquakes and then there’s those other movies that you don’t even know what the f*** they are, nobody cares! It was awesome!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I wanna see Jaws, Jurassic Park, you have access to all these major franchises, but instead they just send the gamer around collecting trash? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? They should’ve called the game, Universal Theme Park Janitor. Yeah, great idea, right up there with Super Plumber Mario Toilet Cleaner. This kid isn’t even an employee of the park, why would he have to pick up all this trash? Poor kid, imagine all the stuff he has to handle: fries that have been stepped in, wrappers that are covered in ants, paper bags that are filled with vomited cotton candy. UGH! Maybe he didn’t buy a ticket or something, maybe that park has a special deal with him like, “Ok kid, we’ll let you on the rides for free, but you gotta help us clean up all this trash.”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Dude, I f***ing shook hands with E.T. I mean come on.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Even LJN, when they f***ed up Jaws and Back to the Future, it was one at a time, not all at once and that was on NES. This is Gamecube. I thought by now, games this horrible would be extinct. I didn’t even know it was possible to make something so rancid. I guess we’ll just leave it at, it was a poor excuse of a game, just a shitty exploitation to promote the theme park. But it even fails at that. It’s the worst promotion of all time.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
So you get all this trash, throw them in the trash can, get enough points, and then guess what? You STILL can’t get on the rides, because you have to cash the points in at the store and buy a f***ing hat. Remember that time, you went to Universal, they wouldn’t let you on the rides unless you wear a stupid f***ing hat.

[the Nerd laughs at how ridiculous the idea is]

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, only one more present left. Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let’s take a peek. [rips the paper off a corner of the box to reveal an LJN logo] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
WaterWorld is the only movie-based game on Virtual Boy, and doesn’t that seem like a match made in heaven? It’s a perfect analogy. An over-budget, over-hyped movie turned into a game on a gimmicky, over-priced anal atom bomb of a console exploding with diarrhea!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It looks like sh*t.

Deacon:
It DOES look like sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, as far as the graphics go, too bad they couldn’t use the color blue. I mean, they had two choices for the water: it could have been red or black. Well, at least they chose black because if it was red we’d be calling it “Bloodworld”. Either way, it looks like sh*t.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There’s actually a nine-player mode which I *honestly* find hard to believe. Could you imagine passing the Virtual Boy around the room to eight other people? I’d rather drink Kevin Costner’s recycled piss-water.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Well, that’s it. The Virtual Boy was such a flop, it died in less than a year. Yeah, and I didn’t pick these games. This is all of ’em! I just reviewed every Virtual Boy game to be released in North America. That’s right, I am holding the entire library of games for this piece of sh*t in my one hand. With the exception of “Jack Bros.” which is rare, expensive, and probably not worth jack-sh*t.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Look at this! It doesn’t look like any other NES game. And what’s this button for? “Press Here”? Seriously? “Press Here”? What for? I mean, is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like how to put the game into the system? Well, I can’t really push on it when it’s inside the Nintendo. You know, do they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, “Press Here, You Dumb F***!” Like some kid’s going to be like, “Uh, duh, how do I put the game in?”

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
The backgrounds loop over and over again kinda like in a Flintstones cartoon. The only difference is the Flintstones were entertaining; this is just a piece of f***.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Back in the 80s, it seemed like there were all these characters trying to keep kids off of drugs, whether it was McGruff, or Pee-Wee, or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny, and Miss Piggy. And this game I’m sure didn’t help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I’m sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs… unless you are f***ed up on drugs.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There you go. That’s how you do it. Just make it a game about Garth going around shooting stuff. That’s real creative.

Wayne:
Not!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
They mention going to see the Lousy Beatles when in the movie, it was the Shitty Beatles. It’s a shame you can’t use the word “shitty” in a Nintendo game, because “shitty” is the best word to describe this game.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There was no thought process into this game. They said to just put “Wayne’s World” on the game and sh*t it into the stores.

Garth:
It’s like people just do stuff to get paid. That’s just really sad.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I didn’t expect this game to be good, but this is just the maximum catastrophe of ass! Take it away, Garth.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It starts off with Wayne and Garth doing a list of the Top 10 Worst Video Games. The irony is stunning.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Apparantley, either Wayne shrunk down in size or everything is giant. This level doesn’t have anything to do with Wayne’s World. Did they think they were making a game of Honey I Shrunk the Kids?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The music in this level is very familiar. Is this supposed to be “Foxey Lady”? It sounds kina like it. Maybe they couldn’t get the rights.

Wayne:
Denied!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You know Wayne’s girlfriend? Well, she makes an appearance in this game. Several. What, did she find a way to clone herself?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What is Elvis doing in a Wayne’s World game? Doesn’t Wayne’s World exist in the 90’s? What a paradox!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You fight this deformed hockey player. It doesn’t even look like a human being. But what exactly looks like a human being in this game? A bobblehead, or some deformed monster?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
This is Jessica Rabbit? Well I got your number and I’m calling just to say f*** you!

Jessica Rabbit:
I hope you’re proud of yourself!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Yeah well, I hope you’re proud of yourself, and you know what I mean you f***ing whore!

Jessica Rabbit:
I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Yeah well, wait until I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny f***ing b*tch! I’m coming over, and I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna kill your whole motherf***ing family!

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
The game sucks. End of story. I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the f***ing cross.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
Imagine if in real like, like if I walked into a liquor store and I wanted Rolling Rock, and all they had there was Budweiser sitting on a box next to the counter. So then I would have to leave, then come back in a again and there’s something else, and I would have to keep walking in and out until I get what I want. It’s just like… What were they thinking?

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
So this is kinda fun, you get to punch people. I’m gonna beat up Roger Rabbit now… yeah! The only thing that’s really annoying is that it takes so long to charge that punch. [misses] Ah! You know what? It isn’t fun, at all. It’s just a pain in the f***ing ass.

The Angry Nintendo Nerd:
[reading text box] “Go away you horrid man.” How about go away you horrid game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
It’s winter, it’s f***ing cold, we’re playing some f***ing Winter Games.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
If you have a problem with Happy Holidays, then Happy Shut the F*** Up.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The quickest way to do it is just type in all A’s and skip to the Enter button. Why put in your name anyway? It’s not like the game is gonna save it. If it did, I can guarantee most of the scores would belond to AAAA!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The NES just got it’s 8-bit ass handed to it by the Atari 2600! Well, that’s fine with me. It spares me the shitiness.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What people can be sadistic enough to design a game with such a disfunctional control scheme? The only people in the world to call the ski jump “Hot Dog Aerials”!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Next is “Speed Skating”. I’m surprised it’s not called “Cat Tit Bingo”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Is this supposed to be fun? Is this supposed to be challenging? Rocking the D-pad left and right? Was this game designed for monkeys?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How do you like that music? Listen. Exquisite. Isn’t that the most beautiful radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? It’s exhuborant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarhea bubbling from a coyote’s craphole.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The graphics look like crap. Literally. It looks like they crapped into an ice maker.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I know this is supposed to be ice, but staring at a screen that is 90% white makes me feel like I’m going blind.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I think that all that ever needs to be said about Winter Games is “you push buttons”, because that’s all it is.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You ever see a movie when someone’s playing the NES and they’re just mashing buttons? Yeah, they’re playing Winter Games. Who programmed this? I’ll bet it was Fred Fuchs!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
This is a blizzard of balls!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Burn, motherf***er! Burn!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can tell that the people who photographed these action figures didn’t know anything about them. Like, why is Lion-O and Mumm-Ra riding together in the Thundertank? And why is “laser” spelled with quotes? Did Dr. Evil write this?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Almost every kid had this game in their collection at some point. It had cool music, a catchy slogan, and signified everything that was rad about the 80’s. But the game was f***ing sh*t. Sh*t that we held with passion. Skate or Die? Looking back, I wish I chose the latter.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You see all kinds of crap like the Roll ‘n Rocker, and Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, for $39.87? That’s criminal!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I feel like I just awoke from a frozen sleep. Last I knew, Sonic games were in 2D, Nintendo and Sega were rivals, guns were for Contra, Sonic’s nemesis was called Dr. Robotnik, now he’s going by Dr. Eggman diddy daddy villain formerly known as whatever? What the hell happened here? This is about as new as I’ll go. Sorry. I’m going back to NES, that’s what I know best.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Speaking of prices, it’s funny that at some point, the NES and the Atari 7800 were both the same price. For the 7800, it says it has “super responsive joysticks” because they knew the Atari 5200 controllers were pieces of sh*t. Yeah, having a responsive controller is kind of a necessity, wouldn’t you say?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There were action figures, you had Ninja Turtles, Inhumanoids, the real Ghostbusters, as well as the other Ghostbusters that nobody gave a sh*t about. There was the giant G.I. Joe aircraft carrier, all kinds of toys, everything!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
There was no telling if the games were good or not. If it made it into the same catalog as Zelda, you assumed it would be awesome!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Playing this game was a symbol that you were a real man! But it hasn’t aged well. It just makes you wanna play Final Fight 3 instead. Still, it has a legacy and has one of the most famous opening screens of all time. “Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?” Bad… what was it with that? Maybe we could blame Michael Jackson for making the word “bad” so awesome. But we should never listen to Lucas about the Power Glove. In some cases, “bad” really meant it.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Sonic Blast? Should’ve been called Sonic Slow-Ass.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
These books were mostly for kids to tell their parents what they want, and there were even coloring pages in there. But then, there were things like knives and guns! That’s terrible that a kid would be flipping through and see that! You’d go from a page that has all kinds of kiddy sleeping bags, and right on the other side of the page is a gun cabinet! Right underneath the Mario sleeping bag is an assortment of guns! And there were lots of them!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I’ve always been a big fan of The Three Stooges, but the games’ charm ends right after the title screen. The plot involves an orphanage that’s unable to pay its mortgage. So, you’re trying to raise money, so that the kids have a place to live. That’s sad. That’s not a fun video game concept! It takes the idea of something that’s… too real.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Y’know, wouldn’t it be cool if they were sets to real shows, like Family Matters, Full House, or Dinosaurs – No. No, no, no, no. No more dinosaurs. You know what would be awesome? If you went on the set of Home Improvement, whoaaa. Wonder if Tim Allen ever played this game? Do you think he could beat this stage? How far could Tim Allen get in the Home Improvement video game? That’s a question that needs answering.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing “Bubsy 3D”] This seems as if it were the first 3D game ever made, but “Super Mario 64” came before this, and that played perfectly. What happened here? Even the blocks look like you can carve them out to make an N64 logo. Maybe it’s just that I have “Super Mario 64” on the brain because that’s what I’d rather be playing!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing “Bubsy 3D”] Overall, this game just feels unfinished, and what I really mean, is that it’s like it was barely started at all! I thought this was a prototype of some sort, not an actual finished game that got released in stores. It’s a pile of junk!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
[playing “Maximum Carnage”] And what do I hear? It’s “The Mob Rules,” by Black Sabbath! I don’t just mean it sounds similar – it’s the same song! Just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! I think it was just a rip-off and that they never got Black Sabbath’s permission, but it’s still welcome to hear and adds to this game’s enjoyability.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I remember being in school, and I had an X-Men comic book, and my teacher said, “Hmm, X-Men, huh? There’s women in there too, so isn’t that kinda sexist?” I said, “What’s wrong with being sexy?” No, I didn’t say it that way, but that is a good point. I guess X-People doesn’t make a lot of sense.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Why in the love of all f*** does it have to be LJN? You look at that logo, and you know that there is no pot at the end of that rainbow. That is the stamp of death! And I’m about to do the unstoppable… I’m gonna stick this abomination into my Nintendo. You’d rather stick your dick into a pirhana’s mouth!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Here we go: Marvel’s X-Men. Is that the official title? The label calls it The Uncanny X-Men. I’d say screw that. File it under “X” for X-Men, plain and simple.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s this? A hot dog in a bun? Or more like a big in a blanket? And what zone is this? Spaghetti Zone?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
That sounds appropriate. It’s an X-Men Bar-B-Que with burgers and beer.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What’s up with the vocabulary? I’ve heard of extra life and 1-up, but free game?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Now, it’s time for the enemy roll call. We have green rotorey-dial telephones, Silver Surfers in flying wheelchairs, Silver Surfers air guitaring, John McClain from Die Hard, the Green Reaper throwing skulls, Frankenstein monsters with metal masks with visers that look like Gordi from Star Trek, and bubbles.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Are these boulders self-aware? Do they know where you’re standing? Or is there an evil elf inside the hole chucking sh*t down at you?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Welcome to die? Okay…

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
The reset button on my model 2 Genesis is broken. Good thing I have more Genesis’s. Genesis’s? Is there a plural word for Genesis? Shall I say “Genesai?”

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
At last, we have “X-Men 2: Clone Wars!” Hmm… Clone Wars. Did George Lucas have anything to do with it?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
When it comes to X-Men games, X-Men 2 on the Genesis is the one I reccomend. The two on the NES, stay away! Stay as far away as possible! They suck my balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! X-Men, welcome to die!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Wow. Look at this mess! It’s all coming back to me now. This is one of those games I rented from the video store and wasted one of the weekends of my sad, pathetic life. Look at this! Cluttered pixels, scrambled textures, sh*t flying everywhere. It’s a disaster!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
“I am Error.” Well, okay, maybe that’s just his name. Maybe it’s pronounced “Eeyore”.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Couldn’t they have put this at the end of the game? I mean, what could be more dangerous than Death Mountain? They got it all mixed up. That’s not to say the later stages aren’t hard, but at that point you have more health, weapons and experience, but here, you’re like a 4-year-old trying to fight Hulk Hogan!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
What do you call that? A rabbit’s head? Wrong. A Pols Voice. What’s that? A mummy? Gibdo. What’s that? A ghost? Ghini. What’s that? Well, it’s like… like… What? It’s called a Like Like? Yeah, I’m not making this up. It’s coming from the instruction manual. What’s that? A snake? Wrong. It’s called a rope. Yeah. If you can’t tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you’re in trouble. What’s that? A bat? No. They’re called Keese. What do you call keys then? Bats?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Anything with a pattern has given me some psychological problems as a kid. Whenever I see wavy lines, I get pissed!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
I don’t want to go through the floor! But then again, what do you expect when you turn into a fairy when you’re high? High up or high on drugs, either way, you’ll see glitches.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You can’t beat your own shadow, and that’s what this game is! It’s your dark alter-ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself!

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
You gotta collect P Bags. What are P Bags anyway? Piss Bags? That’s right, Link collects bags of piss.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Look at that. That’s funny. Somebody should make a T-shirt of that. Every time Link finds something, he has to hold it up. Imagine having him as a friend.

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
Could he possibly be holding his sword in a more suggestive position?

The Angry Video Game Nerd:
How are you supposed to know all that without Nintendo Power? The townspeople don’t help at all. They might as well say, “Get the Power! Nintendo Power!” Yeah, it’s classic cryptic Nintendo horse sh*t!

The Angry Video Game Nerd
Each town has a woman who restores Link’s health. She always takes Link inside, and you never see what’s happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what’s happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the old in-out in-out. Link isn’t a little boy anymore, he’s all grown up. He learns all these special moves like the down thrust, the up thrust, and in there, he learns the c*nt thrust! Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves some from all this hell he goes through. He’s not going to get any from Zelda. Well, she is under a sleeping spell. But wait, what was Link doing there in the first place? No! Link’s a poon hound!

Leave a Comment