Based on the best-selling Girlfirends’ Guide books, Lisa Edelstein shows divorcees how to get their groove back in the brand new series Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce, coming this January!
Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce Characters
Will: Well, thank you for the gift basket.
Abby: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days?
I think dick shopping is stretching the meaning of cultural attache.
Hey, sex with an ex can be fun. They know how to work the machinery, you know what I mean?
I made a huge mistake. I thought I wanted to be more like you, but I already am. You surround yourself with bullshit, and if I don’t stop, I’m going to end up alone. Like you.
Phoebe: Anyway, I can’t really talk about this because I have to talk about Moroccan pillows.
Abby: As one does.
Abby: Can I just say something?
Barbara: I feel like you’re about to.
Abby: I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else but you.
Do not sign anything. I have a client. She is suing her gym. They will not let her out of her contract. Yes. I am fighting the fights that really matter.
Every since Ralf cut off the alimony, you’re pulling away. It’s like you blame me.
You goddamned bitch. You are going to be the next EL James!
Work itself out? Abby, your are dating the guy now, for reals. You have a right to know what is going on in his life.
Interviewer: So tell me, where do you see yourself in five years?
Barbara: That is a great question.
Mike: Don’t do this, Abby. Don’t spoil it.
Abby: It’s great. It’s rare. And that’s why we should stop. Now.
You call people names all the time. You bully people — dad, Scott, your friends. You don’t think I see that? I’m just learning from the master.
JD: I think that you can do your job and be my wife at the same time.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I think you’re being really naive.
Jo: How about you worry about your kid and I worry about mine?
Abby: I am worrying about my kid because your kid is bullying her!
Jo: Bullying? Wow! That’s a buzz word.
Jo: OK. My theory is correct. There’s a love triangle goin’ on.
Abby: Yeah, one that Zooey is on the outside of.
Jo: You don’t know that.
Colette: Mike doesn’t like chain grabbers.
Abby: Oh yeah, I can’t…
Colette: I’m one too. The worst.
Barbara: Sex tape. Makes Kardashian look bush league.
Delia: Or no bush league. HA.
Abby: I always want to hear your life story. I made your life, with my body.
Mike: I’ll see you at pickup?
Abby: Yeah. Will you be mean to be again in front of other people, because that is so hot.
Abby: This is fun. I like keeping secrets with you.
Mike: I like a lot of things with you.
Going most of the way but not all is ridiculously sexy.
Of course I wanna leave! Of all the hotels in California, I have to come to the one with gay men and Gordon?!
Abby: Oh come on twenty one, even your balls look great!!
Coach: Two eight’s mom. Sit down!
Abby [blushes]: Sorry. I meant that all of his pitches look like strikes.
Gordon: Cher wishes she ever looked as good as you.
Oh no. I’m not gonna pee where I play. No drama here. I’m not a drama mama.
Of course I wanna leave! Of all the hotels in California, I have to come to the one with gay men and Gordon?!
What is your problem with me? The way you talk to me is mean. It’s dehumanizing. You’re mean to me.
To me, a night out on the town includes me on lying the couch watching Ben Affleck *in* The Town.
Delia: Could you explain this?
Gavin: Well, see, we were trying to make a cast out of Ronnie’s cock…
Gal: It’s so beautiful. It belongs in a museum.
Abby. Deal with your own truth. Stay the hell out of mine.
Not bad for today’s work. Who knew two tiny broads could give the baking whisperer a run for his money.
Jo: A sunrise on a snowy sky, a rolling wave beneath the moon…where are the ingredients?
Ethan: Scott says that sometimes when we write out our ingredients on a list, it dulls our creative spark.
Jo: This is not a recipe, this is a nonsensical, romantic baking poem!
Yeah well. The man is fine. As are you. I feel like you guys, you fit, you match up. I don’t know if he was an addict so much as he was just screwing around until he found his person. I’m guessing we’ll never know, now.
Grayson: Phoebe, where do you think I negotiate my sales?
Phoebe: I have no idea.
Grayson: In my office. Top buyers hungry for product will see JD’s painting hanging on the wall, will ask why it isn’t out with the rest and what do you think I will tell them? Cuz it’s my personal favorite. And what does that accomplish? It makes them want it more. This is what I do. I build up new artists; I create demand. And YOU, Phoebe, I’m sorry to say, you live in a fantasy world where you think you can step into MY gallery and everyone will just fall at your feet. Well, this is real life, a business. You want your husband’s career to take off? Then let me do my job. And you want to have success here? Shut up. Learn. And bring me some buyers. Yeah? Understand? OK. You look great.
Jo: Trust is not in my wheelhouse right now.
Scott: This? Could have been amazing.
But, whatever. The magic’s in the rewrite. At least that’s what I tell my writers when I crush their dreams.
You are incorrigible. You know, the world is full of women, all types, but there is only one infuriatingly sexy, magnificent Josephine.
Abby: But he got a hit. He got a double hit. Why is he being punished?
Baseball Mom: There is no crying in baseball. Welcome to the team.
He caught the ball in his ball glove…in his mitt…in his glove.
Mitchell: Where is the fun, the energy?! You’ve got a whole section here on the duality of the inner goddess.
Barbara: I thought it was interesting context.
Mitchell: SheShe doesn’t do context. This read like a college thesis paper.
Barbara: OK. I’ll take another pass. But just to be clear, you wanted my distinct voice. THIS is my voice.
Mitchell: Yeah, your voice is kind of a drag.
Abby: No, it’s not adjustments, really, it’s more global thoughts.
Abby: Big picture stuff. You know, it’s great, but it’s not from your perspective.
Barbara: Well, you know, it is, in that I wrote it.
Abby: Well, it is, but I kind of lose it in there. You know. Where are you?
Barbara: Well, I’m there at the Goddess Ceremony, which is what the column is about…
Abby: Yes. I just…I want to know what you feel about things, what is your POV, what is your personal experience, you know what I’m saying?
Barbara: You think I should rewrite it.
Abby: Noooo! Not at all. Just like, take another pass.
Mommies trump coaches! That is the hierarchy!! ~~~ Quotes From Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce
Delia: Enough with the games, Albert. I’m a partner here. I’m a senior divorce attorney for THIS firm.
Albert: And Vanessa is a top notch lawyer, brought in to replace you, actually, back when we thought you were moving to New York. She’s caught up on firm business. That’s what this is about.
Delia: Oh please, Albert. I think we know what this is really about.
Albert: Do you want to share more specifically what you mean here?
Delia [looks around the room]: No.
Abby: Here, smell this. Tell me what it is.
Lilly: Do I have to?
Abby: I pushed you out of my uterus; smell it.
Abby, anything good that’s happening to me is happening because you supported both of us while I figured my shit out.
Scott: My goodness. Is this you making an effort, Josephine?
Jo: Well, I didn’t come here to bang you and take off. That would be tacky. I came here to talk to you and then bang you and then take off.
Scott: I can accept that.
Abby: I am just not an “everything happens for a reason” kind of gal. It’s just all that kind of talk is kind of insane. Ha ha. No offense.
Phoebe. No. None takes. [laughs]
Abby: By that logic, genocide happens for what? Or when a kid dies of cancer? What is the lesson there? That watching a kid suffering of cancer is awful?
Jo: Wow. Bad day, Abs?
Abby: Aaaghh. It’s just what we want to believe when the truth is we are all just blobs of sentient plasma sharing time on a big, cold space rock. We are born, we age, we outlive our usefulness, and then we die. And there is no little patch of estrogen that is going to save us from the ultimate futility of our existence.
Barbara: Might want to bust out the wine, Phoebs.
Abby: Estrogen patches.
Doctor: Come on now, don’t look so grim. People just weren’t meant to live this long.
Scott: As soon as you open your legs to me, you close your heart.
Jo: That is very pretty. Did you just come up with that?
You know you have a unique way of making me feel like a dildo with a person attached.
Hey little baby. Want to watch Aunty Delia drink? [big smile] Just kidding.
Your brand has actually been helping me. That DJ called me sex on a biscuit. I was just a biscuit before you came along.
Who pays for sex, crack whores?
Abby: And I forgot to tell you the worst part.
Abby: I had my first hot flash. Today.
Jake: Oh honey. Why does God hate you?
Yes, that’s the baby that lived in my girlfriend in your guesthouse and briefly in Taye Diggs’ ball sack.
You know what Carl said in the article? That you were lonely and desperate, because after you tried to get back together with your husband, you tried to get together with Harris, and he dumped you.
Why are all my middle aged women falling for younger guys? What is this, upside down world?!
Anyway, I need it fast, funky and sweaty, and I need it now.
Whoa. Hello gorgeous. Love me yet?
Scott: God woman you are difficult! You just lock your jaws and won’t let go. And I am helpless. Every time. I am completely helpless against you, Jo. The way we fight. God. It’s exhausting and hot and exhilirating and frankly, weird, but you know what? I cannot imagine sparring with anyone else, ever.
Jo: I’m sure there are plenty of ladies out there you can swordfight.
Scott: No, no, no. See, now I believe that all of those were just replacements for you, Josephine. They…those women, they were just one off and goodbye. But you, I can’t stop thinking about you. I wake up and I cannott stop thinking about how we might be together. I am, God help me, I am in love with you.
Honestly? I feel like I am cracking up a little bit. Like, survey says.
Barbara: OK, I don’t know how many Kate Hudson movies you all watched last night, but folks don’t actually run around saving people and magically getting people back together.
Jo: Not with that attitude they don’t.
Gordon: I know you’re not superstitious…
Delia: This is the happiest day of my life. I wanted to see you.
OK. Enough romantic comedies. I need to get my Mr. Robot on.
Phoebe: So back off, because he’s not goin’ anywhere.
Jo: The claws come out! I like it. You should suck on candy dicks more often!
I will no longer be punished! Anymore! You can…you can take your trolley, and you can take your ticket, and you can shove it up your aaaasssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!
Life lesson. Don’t mix cake and strippers!
Delia: Abby, what are you doing? One moment you’re fainting and the next moment you’re stripping. What is going on?
Abby: Delia, um. I’m sad and tired, and I’m stressed and I…And this isn’t about me tonight. This is about you. So…
Delia: Yeah, well you wouldn’t know that from that display. You’re acting nuts. And you’re hijacking my night.
I’m Harris. Watch me battle germs with my blinding smile. He was like a line drawing of a person. That’s the laughing gas talking.
Jo: Legal eagle is leaving the building.
Abby: You are taking this way too seriously.
Scott: Hang on a minute. I thought we weren’t getting emotional.
Jo: Well, you should have thought of that before you stuck your funky love cruffin inside my pastry box. you know what my box says? I’ll tell you what it says. Go screw yourself!
Gosh. It’s so weird coming home in the same clothes I went out with. It’s so Orange Is the New Black.
Abby, I think we should celebrate gently before you expire from the juice cleanse.
Jo: I don’t want you to lose sleep over me.
Scott: What if I want to?
Jo: ‘Scuse me?
Scott: What if I care about you, Jo?
My ass is so damp it feels like it’s growing moss.
Jo: I still cannot believe Jake shoots a load into a starlet and you are out shopping for her.
Abby: OK. Inappropriate!
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Thank you. That was exactly the kind of everything I needed. A little fun with non-monogamy.
Jo: I mean, Charlene, she might have her problems and everything, but I’m the one my kid’s embarrassed of. She didn’t even want me there today.
Scott: But one day, she’ll remember that you were there and it will matter. Why are you second-guessing your instincts, Jo?
Look, porn is great for some things, but it’s not real. It’s super intimidating and half the things they show, women don’t like anyway.
Jo: Something terrible is happening.
Jo: I still don’t have a drink in my hand.
I know. That’s what I’m saying. I talk a big game, but the whole sexy divorcee thing is just not me.
No, you taught me that I need to quit confusing big words and bad denim for life experiences. So, thank you.
I do not want to throw darts at Jake’s face.
You forgot to say ‘Like us on Facebook.’
I just believe people should really get to know each other before they define who they are in a relationship.
Jo: So the people out there eat a lot of potatoes. Take it easy. I don’t want you comin’ back lookin’ like Michael Moore.
Abby: This is the new hot eatery? Why is everyone standing?
Harris: It’s a social experiment. The owner wants everyone to feel like they’re at a party.
Albert: Wait! Somebody could see us.
Delia: Yes. It’s dangerous. I like it.
Albert: Not if my wife or your fiance found out.
Dad stuck his penis in Becca’s vagina. You don’t have to love someone to do it.
Harris: I don’t think men and women can be friends. I think it’s always a lie.
Abby: Did you just quote When Harry Met Sally? I love that movie.
Screw that blended family shit. I’m not blendin’ it for anyone.
Jo: OK, either my ears are melting or I just heard you say I am rushing things with Gordon because I almost played hide the pastrami with little Albert.
Delia: Jo, maybe you should just chill out.
Abby, Jesus, I thought I finally met someone who had their shit together.
I think I need to hit the pause button and think about what’s next for my future.
Trust me, I am just trying to stay in motion because I am afraid if I stop, I will not be able to get going again, ever!
A TRUE guide to divorce:
1) Woman 35+ thinks she is still young and beautiful and tries to trade in her old man to get a better man.
2) Woman finds out no one wants a divorcee 35+.
3) she panics and does research. Finds out there is only 1 single man for every 7 single women, between the ages of 40-50 The men are all dating younger women and don’t want to marry anymore.
4) She becomes bitter and angry. Men want her even less because she is so bitter and angry.
5) Spends the rest of her life single and dies with 17 cats, writing columns for Ms. Magazine about how she hates men.
6) EVEN IF she is lucky, and finds another man, he will never see her as beautiful as her first man did. Because her first man sees her the same as she was when they met.
This is very typical, and TRULY what women should expect from divorce.