250+ The Best Quotes From American Vandal

From co-creators Tony Yacenda (Pillow Talking) and Dan Perrault (Honest Trailers), and showrunner Dan Lagana (Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous), American Vandal is a half-hour true-crime satire that explores the aftermath of a costly high school prank that left twenty-seven faculty cars vandalized with phallic images. Over the course of the eight-episode season, an aspiring sophomore documentarian investigates the controversial and potentially unjust expulsion of troubled senior (and known dick-drawer) Dylan Maxwell. Not unlike its now iconic true-crime predecessors, the addictive American Vandal will leave one question on everyone’s minds until the very end: Who drew the dicks?

Best American Vandal Quotes

“We’re the first generation that gets to live twice. Our existences are simultaneously experienced and curated. Presented. Packaged. Polished for our own protection.”

“Imagination is what makes us human.”

“Love had blinded me.”

“Instagram filter, Snapchat filters. They’re not fucking filters, they’re masks.”

“I think I just wanted it to be real so bad.”

“One day everyone wants to be your friend. The next, everyone wants to see you cry.”

“If they want you to stop talking, they shut you up.”

“A bidet shoot, like, a water stream up your ass. Now, it sounds a little gay, but it’s not at all. It’s hella clean and it’s hella tight.”

“Everybody sees me as this island. Like I don’t need anything from anyone. I feel like I’m sinking.”

“I know without definitive proof, hope means nothing.”

“I don’t think it would be appropriate for me, as a teacher to say that he’s a ten. But you know, he’s at least a nine.”

“Period after emojis? That’s, like, serial killer weird.”

“To a casual observer, we might have looked like lovebirds. Ironic that it all started with us playing Angry Birds.”

“If you were untouchable, how bold would you be?”

“Like, for instance, did you know dolphins weren’t fish? Dolphins are mammals, bro. That’s crazy. Like, they’re just like us, they just swim.”

“A lot of people that’s cool, they try to be cool, and that ain’t really cool. But being cool with being a weirdo, I think that’s super cool.”

“You think he shit his own pants to look innocent?”

“The idea that I should care what a bunch of kids at my school think about me… It’s preposterous.”

“Shat? Shit? Shat my pants? Shit. It’s shit.”

“I mean, kids can be really cruel.”

“You can’t throw a watermelon at me.”

“After four years, if enough people see you a certain way, do you start to believe they’re right?”

“I’m not, like, book smart or fucking street smart or whatever, but, like I’m not dumb.”

“I’ve seen the way an accusation can ruin someone’s life.”

“I signed a dick in a girl’s yearbook this morning.”

“Everyone has something to hide. People withhold information. People exaggerate. People lie.”

“When this is all over, so are you, okay? Because you are nobody, and you’re just mad about it.”

“You did the dicks because he deserved it for ruining your life.”

“She tells me shit she doesn’t tell anyone else. Dude, she tells me when she’s on her period.”

“I just always thought my first suit would be for, like high-school graduation, or, like, something sick, like the Winter X Games, or like the regular X Games. Or, like my funeral. Not for lame-ass court.”

“I’ve been watching a lot of Judge Judy lately, just, like, kind of preparing and whatnot.”

“Weed’s good for everything.”

“I think that’s why we were suspended, for flying too close to the sun. It tells me we were getting somewhere.”

“The thing people don’t realize about being a history teacher is, dude, it is so boring.” ~~~ Quotes From American Vandal

“No, dude, I don’t think someone would start drawing a dick at the mushroom head. That just doesn’t feel right.”

“Lit as fuck, man. There was titties, beer, a lot of candy.”

“Pro-tip dude. Never post an ugly video of a chick on Instagram, no matter how fucking dumb she looks. Not worth it, dude. She won’t think it’s funny.”

“I don’t remember anything. Honestly, I got so fucked up. That was a night I’ll never forget.”

“Mac and I are kinda like orange juice and vodka, you know? We just go together.”

“You could even say he has a passion for dicks.”

“I just smoked a victory blunt for no reason, and now I’m, like, upsettingly high.”

“She’s like that guy from Game of Thrones. Like, who’s that, like the bald guy that has no dick. She’s just, like, you know, she’s playing the game. Playing everybody.”

“It’s not really cool to worry about popularity.”

“The guy said, ‘help me help you.’ Did you hear that? That is some straight-up teacher shit.”

“I lie about all kinds of little stuff like that I understood Inception.”

“As a prankster, you gotta respect another prankster.”
— Dylan Maxwell, American Vandal, Season 1: A Limp Alibi

“Dylan does a better Kiefer Sutherland impression than Kiefer Sutherland.”

“Everyone in history has always known that if you text someone ‘heyy’ with two Y’s it means you wanna fuck.”

“A little bitch is more like someone who makes shit up.”

“I gotta work this shit job for half the day. The only thing on TV is, like Ellen, Wendy, Tyra, all those fucking first-name shows.”

“They say, like, high school is the best years of your life. Um, I know it isn’t for me, but I do think that I’ll look back and I’ll think I killed it.”

“We call ourselves the Wayback Boys ’cause we go way back.”

“Yeah, I never forget the ball hairs. It’s just, it’s such an important part of the dick.”

“Dylan says the squishy toilet seats are like pressing your butt against someone else’s butt, and then pooping into their butthole.”

“I mean seriously, like it’s super fucking funny, so, that’s all chill, but like, letting me get expelled for something I didn’t even do is just… It’s just such a bitch move.”

Just finished watching American Vandal and I have to say . . . its actually pretty damn good. Its a solid mockumentary with a lot of humor but also a really engaging mystery behind it. Plus the overall season is fairly short so it is pretty easy to binge watch all of it in a day.

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