250+ The Best Quotes From American Vandal

From co-creators Tony Yacenda (Pillow Talking) and Dan Perrault (Honest Trailers), and showrunner Dan Lagana (Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous), American Vandal is a half-hour true-crime satire that explores the aftermath of a costly high school prank that left twenty-seven faculty cars vandalized with phallic images. Over the course of the eight-episode season, an aspiring sophomore documentarian investigates the controversial and potentially unjust expulsion of troubled senior (and known dick-drawer) Dylan Maxwell. Not unlike its now iconic true-crime predecessors, the addictive American Vandal will leave one question on everyone’s minds until the very end: Who drew the dicks?

Best American Vandal Quotes

โ€œWe’re the first generation that gets to live twice. Our existences are simultaneously experienced and curated. Presented. Packaged. Polished for our own protection.โ€

โ€œImagination is what makes us human.โ€

โ€œLove had blinded me.โ€

โ€œInstagram filter, Snapchat filters. They’re not fucking filters, they’re masks.โ€

โ€œI think I just wanted it to be real so bad.โ€

โ€œOne day everyone wants to be your friend. The next, everyone wants to see you cry.โ€

โ€œIf they want you to stop talking, they shut you up.โ€

โ€œA bidet shoot, like, a water stream up your ass. Now, it sounds a little gay, but it’s not at all. It’s hella clean and it’s hella tight.โ€

โ€œEverybody sees me as this island. Like I don’t need anything from anyone. I feel like I’m sinking.โ€

โ€œI know without definitive proof, hope means nothing.โ€

โ€œI don’t think it would be appropriate for me, as a teacher to say that he’s a ten. But you know, he’s at least a nine.โ€

โ€œPeriod after emojis? That’s, like, serial killer weird.โ€

โ€œTo a casual observer, we might have looked like lovebirds. Ironic that it all started with us playing Angry Birds.โ€

โ€œIf you were untouchable, how bold would you be?โ€

โ€œLike, for instance, did you know dolphins weren’t fish? Dolphins are mammals, bro. That’s crazy. Like, they’re just like us, they just swim.โ€

โ€œA lot of people that’s cool, they try to be cool, and that ain’t really cool. But being cool with being a weirdo, I think that’s super cool.โ€

โ€œYou think he shit his own pants to look innocent?โ€

โ€œThe idea that I should care what a bunch of kids at my school think about me… It’s preposterous.โ€

โ€œShat? Shit? Shat my pants? Shit. It’s shit.โ€

โ€œI mean, kids can be really cruel.โ€

โ€œYou can’t throw a watermelon at me.โ€

โ€œAfter four years, if enough people see you a certain way, do you start to believe they’re right?โ€

โ€œI’m not, like, book smart or fucking street smart or whatever, but, like I’m not dumb.โ€

โ€œI’ve seen the way an accusation can ruin someone’s life.โ€

โ€œI signed a dick in a girl’s yearbook this morning.โ€

โ€œEveryone has something to hide. People withhold information. People exaggerate. People lie.โ€

โ€œWhen this is all over, so are you, okay? Because you are nobody, and you’re just mad about it.โ€

โ€œYou did the dicks because he deserved it for ruining your life.โ€

โ€œShe tells me shit she doesn’t tell anyone else. Dude, she tells me when she’s on her period.โ€

โ€œI just always thought my first suit would be for, like high-school graduation, or, like, something sick, like the Winter X Games, or like the regular X Games. Or, like my funeral. Not for lame-ass court.โ€

โ€œI’ve been watching a lot of Judge Judy lately, just, like, kind of preparing and whatnot.โ€

โ€œWeed’s good for everything.โ€

โ€œI think that’s why we were suspended, for flying too close to the sun. It tells me we were getting somewhere.โ€

โ€œThe thing people don’t realize about being a history teacher is, dude, it is so boring.โ€ ~~~ Quotes From American Vandal

โ€œNo, dude, I don’t think someone would start drawing a dick at the mushroom head. That just doesn’t feel right.โ€

โ€œLit as fuck, man. There was titties, beer, a lot of candy.โ€

โ€œPro-tip dude. Never post an ugly video of a chick on Instagram, no matter how fucking dumb she looks. Not worth it, dude. She won’t think it’s funny.โ€

โ€œI don’t remember anything. Honestly, I got so fucked up. That was a night I’ll never forget.โ€

โ€œMac and I are kinda like orange juice and vodka, you know? We just go together.โ€

โ€œYou could even say he has a passion for dicks.โ€

โ€œI just smoked a victory blunt for no reason, and now I’m, like, upsettingly high.โ€

โ€œShe’s like that guy from Game of Thrones. Like, who’s that, like the bald guy that has no dick. She’s just, like, you know, she’s playing the game. Playing everybody.โ€

โ€œIt’s not really cool to worry about popularity.โ€

โ€œThe guy said, ‘help me help you.’ Did you hear that? That is some straight-up teacher shit.โ€

โ€œI lie about all kinds of little stuff like that I understood Inception.โ€

โ€œAs a prankster, you gotta respect another prankster.โ€
โ€” Dylan Maxwell, American Vandal, Season 1: A Limp Alibi

โ€œDylan does a better Kiefer Sutherland impression than Kiefer Sutherland.โ€

โ€œEveryone in history has always known that if you text someone ‘heyy’ with two Y’s it means you wanna fuck.โ€

โ€œA little bitch is more like someone who makes shit up.โ€

โ€œI gotta work this shit job for half the day. The only thing on TV is, like Ellen, Wendy, Tyra, all those fucking first-name shows.โ€

โ€œThey say, like, high school is the best years of your life. Um, I know it isn’t for me, but I do think that I’ll look back and I’ll think I killed it.โ€

โ€œWe call ourselves the Wayback Boys ’cause we go way back.โ€

โ€œYeah, I never forget the ball hairs. It’s just, it’s such an important part of the dick.โ€

โ€œDylan says the squishy toilet seats are like pressing your butt against someone else’s butt, and then pooping into their butthole.โ€

โ€œI mean seriously, like it’s super fucking funny, so, that’s all chill, but like, letting me get expelled for something I didn’t even do is just… It’s just such a bitch move.โ€

Just finished watching American Vandal and I have to say . . . its actually pretty damn good. Its a solid mockumentary with a lot of humor but also a really engaging mystery behind it. Plus the overall season is fairly short so it is pretty easy to binge watch all of it in a day.

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